But here's the thing, and I love my voice.
I still think she's hot, but she just doesn't want to * this.
I get it. I don't want to * this.
And so we get this picture, and we share an office at home.
And so her computer's here, and my computer's here,
and I'm looking at something,
and she gets this picture sent from 20 years ago
and calls me over and goes, look, look at this picture.
And I look over her shoulder.
I'm like, oh, that's awesome, baby.
Super cute.
And she's like, yeah.
And in my head, I'm like,
oh, I'm going to * whack it to that so hard.
So she leaves,
and I didn't want to whack it to her computer
because her computer would be like,
what's happening, you know?
My computer's over here going, seen it,
same *, different day.
So I sent it from her computer to my computer,
and this is totally true.
And then I put music on.
Also true.
I don't whack it to metal so much anymore.
I like to mix it up.
I played the Pixies.
Yeah, because my wife and I love that band, the Pixies.
We like the Pixies.
I didn't play Here Comes Your Man
because two on the nose, you know what I mean?
Thank you.
If anything, I'm about subtlety, for sure.
And gigantic woodworking.
And I'm running out of Pixie songs that are about my wiener.
So don't yell about it.
So I'm listening to the Pixies,
and I should paint a visual.
As soon as my wife left, I kicked off my cargo shorts
that I wear all the time.
Now I'm just wearing a Scorpions T-shirt.
I'm just whacking it.
It's so gross.
And my wife comes home, of course.
How else could this end?
So here's the thing.
I thought she left for the day.
No.
She went to McDonald's around the corner from our house.
I will explain why.
We don't eat McDonald's, but anyway.
She got me a Diet Coke because my big thing,
how I lost my 50 pounds, is I had to kick out soda.
And then she finally got me to drink Diet Coke,
and it stopped tasting like poison.
But now that's my thing.
And I need Diet Coke before I walk the dog
and I do like a couple miles every day.
And so she's being super cool.
She's standing there with two Diet Cokes in her hand
and just this look on her face.
She sees just me, just in a shirt.
Just bleh.
Like the * grossest Winnie the Pooh ever.
Just...
Winnie the Pooh.
Winnie the Pooh.
Cuddly little, foggy little Winnie the Pooh.
And you know what?
You know, fight or flight.
Like, I saw the look of disappointment in my wife's face,
and I just thought of fight or flight.
Everybody in here, you know fight or flight, right?
Like, even if you haven't had to do it before,
you know it's like your body responding,
going, oh, my God, holy *, fight or flight, fight or flight.
Like, I thought of punching my wife in the face.
She caught me whacking it.
* gross, Winnie the Pooh.
I'm just like, duh, you know.
But it would just get worse.
So the second option is flight.
But my version of flight is just a kick away from my desk.
My chair has wheels,
and my floor is made of hardwood.
I'm in the middle of the * room,
and a matter of seconds,
she sees herself.
And I look at her picture.
My wiener's like, you're early.
And the look on her face when she saw gross Winnie the Pooh.
It's just like, God damn it.
She didn't say God damn it.
It was just her eyeballs.
God damn it.
My mom was right.
You're a * pig.
What am I doing with you?
And I'm so used to being *.
I really said this.
Like, I...
We never get into arguments,
because I immediately go, I suck.
And she's like, yep.
And then we're done.
Like, that's the key.
And I did that.
I go, I'm *.
And she goes, pretty much.
And I go, really, the only way out of this
is if you yelled at me.
And she's like, I'm listening.
And then I take a picture of you yelling at me.
And then later on, I let you catch me
whacking into a picture of you yelling at me.
And then I'm like, see?
I love every version of you.
She's like, that's dumb.
Are you going to do that in Portland?
No.
This joke needs an ending anyway.
Dude, we * cut that in rehearsal.
We * go.

Derek Sheen, everybody.
Thank you.
The shame roll.
The roll of shame.
Why did he have two dicks?
What in the *?
I actually, at one point today, had to go,
the dildos need to be bigger.
They had to go, come on, Portland.
Step your dildo game up.
Need bigger dildos.