My wife caught me masturbating recently.
Changing topics, clearly.
Could still be talking about Star Wars.
Leave the mask on, Kylo Ren.
Really?
Leave it on, brother.
No one wants to know you're that dude from that one show.
You have to admit, when he took that * cool-ass mask off
and he was like this long-haired Jewish kid from Brooklyn,
you were like, what the * is happening?
So, weird.
So my wife caught me masturbating.
She's caught me a bunch over the years.
Because I'm super good at it.
Getting caught, I guess.
Why give up your hobbies?
I see no reason.
She caught me once, when I wasn't even masturbating.
I had fallen asleep while masturbating.
And she still counted it as a win somehow.
Jamie Presley on the cover of Maxim Magazine,
my wiener's half-masked.
She comes in, she's like, what the *?
I'm like, what are you?
She's like, you were beating off?
I go, not now?
Must have been awesome, because I fell asleep.
What a loser.
She caught me just last year masturbating
to a picture of her.
Right, ladies?
That's why.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
Ellipsis from 20 years ago.
Yeah.
Story is a twist ending, ladies.
Turns out I'm a dick at the end of this story.
So, my wife and I have been together forever.
I've talked about her before.
She's my pal.
She's my dream girl.
She's the kind of girl I wanted in high school,
couldn't get, wah.
And then I got on TV, and I got her.
That's not what happened.
She's totally the kind of girl I always wanted,
and she's my best pal.
But, you know, *** was awesome in the beginning.
I don't want to bum you out with that,
but too many visuals.
But, you know, we were young, and I was super hot.
No, uh...
But, super not, and, uh...
But the thing's, you know, body changes.
You have a baby, food's delicious, you know.
And I can't * on anybody, because my body,
like, I lost 50 pounds this year,
but I still have pot tits.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I can get in the 2X, sort of.
I still have pot tits, and I have this gut
with a weird outie belly button I don't want you to see.
Like...
I went through the Total Recall machine.
No, shut up.
I'm not gonna...
You're not gonna goad me into showing it,
whatever you'd say.
It's not gonna happen.
Shut the fu...
You're wrong, anyway.
I went through the Total Recall machine
at the airport, coming up here.
And the dude's like,
sir, are you still wearing a belt?
I'm like, no, it's my body.
My body made a belt.
To keep my guts from falling out.
Anyway.