I like Star Wars again.
Yeah.
Just so the non-nerds know,
I will talk about other things other than nerdiness.
I will also talk about masturbating
and how much I hate Kid Rock.
So...
This special's for everyone.
Anyway, I like Star Wars.
I used to hate... Thank you.
It's huge for me.
Because I hated Star Wars for a long time.
Because before that, I loved Star Wars.
Now, if you're not familiar with my material,
or you've never met a 50-year-old nerd
that was mad at a movie for 15 years...
I will explain to you.
I've talked about this stuff before,
but I want to present it all in one big thing
and then show you where I am now.
I've worked it through.
I love Star Wars as a kid.
It was one of my first things I got really nerdy into.
I got super into it.
I got obsessed with Star Wars.
I loved those first three movies when they came out.
Well, let's be honest.
I was in high school by the time Jedi came out.
So when those Ewoks started that * chub-chub,
nub-nub *,
I was like, what the * is happening?
I was like...
Why are these Teddy Ruxpins doing a dick dance?
What in the *?
Chub-chub, nub-nub.
So I should have been prepared,
and I wasn't.
I wasn't prepared,
because then the special editions came out.
Now, if you're not familiar with the special editions,
it was George Lucas, the creator, going,
yeah, there's these things I wanted to fix,
and as nerds, we were like, they didn't need fixing.
They already was special.
Here and here.
We don't need more * doobacks in the background,
and we didn't need Greedo to shoot first,
because we all turned out okay
with * Han Solo shooting first
our entire * lives.
You know what I mean?
Thanks, Lucas,
but it didn't hurt our decision-making process,
because the antihero shot a * bluish-green thing
in the cock, you know what I mean?
I don't run through life
shooting bluish-green things in the dick
because Han Solo did it.
I turned out okay.
Clearly debatable, but...
And then my insanity for it went so much further,
because then the prequels came out,
but the prequels, to me,
I viewed as the ultimate act of betrayal.
I took the prequels personally.
It was like your cool uncle
trying to mouthfuck you on Christmas.
And I know that's super creepy.
I don't mean when you're a little kid.
That's * awful.
And against the law.
No, I mean now.
You're a full-grown man.
Yep, it's worse, right?
It's worse.
You're in your 40s now.
Your cool uncle is in his 60s.
He was cool.
He sold you his Mustang
when you got out of high school.
Took you to see the Scorpions
and Judas Priest at the cowpows.
Maybe I'm talking about my uncle anyway.
Now it's Christmas,
and it's Christmas morning.
You're staying at your grandma's house.
Everybody's asleep.
You get up early.
You decide to do a little wake and bake
behind the garage.
You come back in the house.
You decide to watch the best Christmas movie ever,
Die Hard.
Your uncle comes creeping out of the guest room
super quietly.
Gets right up to your face with his wiener out.
And you're like, what the *?
That's how I viewed Phantom Menace.
I know.
It's nuts.
I was like, when that came out, too,
I was like, well, that was a one-time only thing.
My whole uncle trying to mouth * me.
Then the second one, it was worse.
It was like Thanksgiving night.
I'm super full of turkey.
And it like touches my teeth that time.
I'm like.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.












God damn it.
My uncle's like, is this cool?
I'm like, it's super not cool.
You're not my * uncle anymore.
That's how I viewed those movies.
And I know it's insanity.
I talked to my therapist about Star Wars.
I swear to God.
I got so nuts about Star Wars.
I talked to my * therapist.
Not the whole session.
But I spent about five minutes like shitting on the new one,
one of the new Star Wars movies.
Like, I spent a hundred minutes on Star Wars.









I spent a hundred and forty dollars to tell a lady I was mad at a movie.
Because my wife didn't want to * hear it anymore.
She's so sick of my anti-Star Wars *.
Because it got so bad at one point, she knew it was my Vietnam.
You know what I mean?
I'm the crazy old * in the neighborhood.
Some young kid's like, I like the new Star Wars.
I'm like, you don't know * about dick, motherfucker.
I'm like, you don't know * about dick, motherfucker.
1977, where the * were you?
Daddy's nuts.
I was in the *, goddammit.
My mom took me to see Star Wars opening day and was sold out,
so I had to see the deep instead.
I saw Jacqueline Bessette's tits at ten years old.
Made me a * man.
Where the * were you?
Out of my mind.