I love Portland so much, I could not live up here
because I own a purebred dog.
Pretty sure they're illegal.
I have rescues too, so don't be like,
you know, she don't have rescues.
I do rescue.
My purebred, I rescued her from a breeder.
You ever met those people?
They're * nuts.
Breeders, they're the worst.
This woman lived out in the * desert
and she just bred dogs and guns
out of her goddamn mind.
So I think I did a good thing and I get * all the time.
Like I was at the dog park
and a woman actually said this in LA
and she goes, oh, you bought her?
And I'm like, yeah.
And she goes, I don't acquire dogs, I friend them.
And then I unfriended the * out of her
with my eyeballs.
I have two rescue dogs.
They're nuts.
They're both out of their goddamn minds.
All the time I have to make excuses for them.
I have to go in public, oh, sorry, she's a rescue.
She's out of her goddamn mind.
Like most of the time when somebody says to me,
oh, my dog's a rescue.
I'm always in my head like, yeah,
because why would you buy a three-legged dog, really?
I've been doing this whole bit about rescue stuff
from the last time I was up here.
And I came up with this bit about how I was eating
at a restaurant in Portland
and I was having this amazing apple pie.
And then the lady came over to me and goes,
oh, those are really good apples.
And she's like, yeah, well, they're rescue apples.
Like, we don't buy apples or grow them.
We wait till they fall from a tree and we rescue them.
That's stealing.
No, no.
We rescue them.
So I've been doing this bit for a while
and my buddy who lives up here goes,
hey man, you doing the rescue apple thing?
And I go, yeah.
And he goes, you know, that's a real thing.
Of course it is, Portland.
Like, it's impossible to think of a thing too dumb
for Portland to have.
What about cookie-free bacon
and just depressed suicidal pigs?
No, that's a real thing.
Hey, what about a kazoo band
that just does hair metal covers?
And they're called Motley Krazu.
Oh, that's a real thing.
God damn it, Portland.