So that's where I was last year.
You're all caught up.
And I realize that those jokes are from three different specials,
and I reworked them.
I basically did the special edition with my own jokes.
What a * *.
God damn it.
That's what I was.
But now I like it.
And here's what happened.
Last year, my friends started to get excited about the new one.
My friends are like, dude, are you going to watch it?
Are you going to see it?
J.J. Abrams, it might be good.
It might be good.
And the first trailer, I didn't even watch the first trailer
because I was like, they're not * getting me again, man.
They're not getting me again.
Star Wars isn't getting me.
You're not tricking me again, uncle.
So I wasn't going to be tricked.
And then the second trailer came out,
and I read about it first before I saw it.
I was like, freaking nerds.
We're like, oh, my God.
And my friends were like, oh, my God.
And my friends were like, dude, Han and Chewie.
You had to feel something when you saw Han and Chewie.
And I'm like, nope, didn't feel nothing, man.
My heart's made of turds.
* nothing.
But behind closed doors, I was a goddamn mess
the first time I saw Han and Chewie.
I was just like, man.
My two best friends together again.
I wonder what my two pals are going to get themselves into this time.
I can't wait.
I was so on board.
And I go opening day with my wife, and I loved it.
I took my brain out.
I went in to just enjoy it.
I just wanted to have a good time.
And I loved Force Awakens.
I loved it from the second it started.
And I teared up during the whole movie.
* that.
I full-on cried.
I was a mess.
I was a mess at the scroll.
Luke Skywalker has vanished.
I'm like, boo!
It was like * Toy Story 3 meets Up.
Just a blubbering mess.
Just...
Did I cry when Han and Chewie came on screen the first time?
* yes.
I cried when they showed the Millennium Falcon the first time.
They panned to the Millennium Falcon.
I'm like, my favorite * from life.
Boo!
And we come out of the movie, and my wife is like, what'd you think?
And I go, I loved it, baby.
And she goes, no *.
You cried during the whole goddamn thing.
I'm like, I'm emotional.
And then she goes, can we show our son?
Do you think we can show our little boy?
And I'm like, yeah, man.
We can bring him.
It's not super violent.
He's seen PG-13s before.
We're shitty parents, but anyway.
He and I bond over it.
He loves it.
He walks out of it, and he goes, daddy, I love Star Wars.
And I go, buddy, I love Star Wars.
And it was like this sweet moment.
And he goes, daddy, can we get the prequels on Blu-ray?
And I'm like, eh.
Yeah, I guess.
Which was huge for me, because before that, that * was banned in my house.
That was going to be something he was going to have to find in a tree fort,
like weed or porno.
No.
But no.
We bond over it.
Then my wife, we're watching one of the prequels, and she's like, this is really shitty.
I'm like, no, I know.
And she goes, well, you guys can talk about Star Wars this weekend.
We're going over to Rick's house.
Now, you don't know Rick.
That would be super weird if you did.
But Rick's a good pal of mine.
He's a comic book writer, good friend around my age, fellow nerd.
I know he felt the same way about Star Wars as I did, because we've talked about it a bunch.
And by talk about it, I mean yelled about it.
Full of whiskey at Comic-Con.
So I knew we would be on the same page.
So I see Rick, and I go, dude, Force Awakens.
I * loved it.
He goes, man, I hated it.
And then we fought.
For three hours.
Everything he said, I had an answer to.
He's like, well, the plot felt too familiar.
And I'm like, familiar?
Like comfort food?
Like mashed potatoes, you dumb * dick?
Yeah.
Yeah.
A movie made of mashed potatoes.
That sounds terrible.
The * is wrong with you?
And then everything he said, I had an argument to.
He's like, man, man, man.
I'm like, *, and I'm just fighting him back.
I'm defending Star Wars.
He's shitting on Star Wars, and I'm defending Star Wars.
This thing that I * on for so long.
Which I realized is one of the signs of abuse.
I know, not to get too dark, but defending your abuse,
that's the Stockholm Syndrome, you guys.
I have the Star Wars Syndrome.
Because all my friends are like, Star Wars sucks.
Now I'm like, you don't know Star Wars anymore.
Star Wars treats me like an angel when no one's around.
You ever think maybe Phantom Menace is my fault?
Yeah, I did a bad thing, made Star Wars mad.
I don't want to make Star Wars mad no more, you guys.
I'm only going to do good things for Star Wars.