Inside of your wrist, ma'am.
Thank you.
All right, so your ID, what's that?
What's going on, bro?
I'm half-COVID.
I ran an eight-minute mile for a while,
and that was, like, at my most...
That's probably the fastest running.
So the signs said slow down.
Yeah, there'll be a wait list.
Just kind of camp out by the wall and let you know.
Inside of your wrist, ma'am.
Thank you.
All right, everybody.
Enjoy the show.
This guy coming to stage is the man you all come to see.
Start clapping now for Mr. Wyatt Sundance!
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you guys for coming.
That was awesome.
That's all I got.
I just wanted to see if I could bring you guys here,
and I proved it.
So...
Gypsy, it worked!
Give me my soul back!
It's very cool to be here.
This is really cool, especially because we're here in Brooklyn,
and I live in Brooklyn,
so this is incredibly convenient for me.
If this show was in Manhattan,
I would not be here.
You all might still be here,
but then you would hear that I didn't show up,
because I don't like to take the train at night.
I tried living in Manhattan once.
I tried for, like, a year.
Everyone's like, you got to live in New York City.
You got to live in New York City.
And so I got an apartment in this fancy building in Manhattan,
and I knew that it was a fancy building
because there were all these West Indian nannies
that worked there.
When I say West Indian, I mean Manhattan.

When I say West Indian nannies,
I'm talking about Jamaican nannies,
Haitian nannies, really the Rolls Royce of nanny.
And I would see them in the hallways and in the elevators,
and they were always really surprised to see me
because they thought I was a male nanny.
Just like, oh, good for you doing your mama's work.
Who we thinking of starting a play group?
I live in this building.
Oh, you live with the family.
Oh.
It's a green card situation.
That building was the first building I ever lived in
where I had a doorman.
I'd never had a doorman before.
And a doorman, I can open my own damn door.
I feel fairly confident in my door-opening abilities.
Doorman is weird.
Doorman is one of those jobs where I feel like
you probably don't have that much to talk about after work.
I feel like he's a doorman.
I just feel like he's a doorman, and somebody's like,
hey, man, how was your day?
Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that,
a little more of this.
Oh, and then that was hard.
Management's talking about getting a revolving door.
I'm not trained on that.
I have to take night classes.
The building I lived in, I had this doorman,
and he was a black dude, and he was my age.
And that was really weird.
More so because he was my age.
Like, an old black doorman, that'd be weird,
but I feel like he'd make it okay.
I feel like he'd try to make it okay.
He'd be like, oh, young brother, no, no, no, no.
You don't feel weird about this at all.
No, no, no, you don't.
Look, I marched in the 60s so that you could live
in a building like this, all right?
So I want you to walk in here,
with your head high,
and you * all those white ladies.
* them all, from the basement to the penthouse.
* every last one of them.
Do it for me, do it for Dr. King.
This doorman was a black dude, and he was my age,
and that was weird because here's the thing.
I'll tell you a little secret about black dudes in their 30s.
We don't respect each other.
We don't.
We get along, but you take any two black dudes in their 30s,
I don't care where you put them.
You can put them in the lobby of an apartment building.
You can put them in a conference room at a Fortune 500 company.
You can put them on a subway train.
There will be a moment, one moment,
where those two black dudes will look at each other,
and each of them will think, if this subway ride
were to all of a sudden just magically turn into a basketball game,
he can't guard me.
He can't.
He can't guard me.
Uh-uh.
I could take him.
I could totally.
Because there's no way we're going to be on the same team together.
They're going to split us up.
Look, if Malcolm and Martin couldn't work together,
what chance is there for him and me?
Mm-mm.
No.
And it was always competitive with me and this doorman.
It was always weirdly competitive because he'd do all these things,
and I'd, like, he, every time I'd come home,
he'd always be like, welcome home, Mr. Snack.
And I'd be like, you don't have to call me Mr. Snack.
And he was like, yes, I do, Mr. Snack.
And I was like, stop it.
And he was like, I can, Mr. Snack.
It got to the point where I started just leaving the apartment
wearing headphones, and he'd still call me Mr. Snack,
and I knew because they weren't plugged into anything.
And he was always holding the door open for me,
making me feel like Sam Jackson's character in Django.
There were times when I would come home,
and I would just hang out across the street and wait for him
to go on break just so I could go use the door myself.
And then I'd wait for him to come off break,
and I'd open the door for him.
Just like, welcome home, Mr. Door.
I don't know your last name.
I'm sorry.
One time, I remember this one time, I ordered a book online.
And I just ordered this little book, just a little book.
And the book came, and he was like, hey, Mr. Snack,
you got a package.
And he ran off to the mail room, came back with his little box,
and he put it on a luggage cart.
And he was like, don't hurt yourself, Snack.
The worst, though, there was one day when I was going,
that wasn't the worst.
The worst, I was going out of town for something,
and I had to catch a cab.
And so I called a car service.
And the car service came, and I made my way down to the lobby.
The doorman sees me, and he runs to the door,
and immediately he's just holding the door open.
And I'm thinking, *, I cannot leave now,
because I don't want to get on this airplane.
God forbid this airplane crash and I die,
and this doorman thinks he won.
I don't * want that.
I don't want this doorman, smug-ass doorman,
showing up to my funeral, like, closing my casket for me.
Like, let me help you with that.
So I didn't know what to do.
He's standing at the door, and I had a decision to make,
so I faked him out, I went to the mailbox,
and I pretended to check my mail for the next 15 minutes.
And then he was just standing there, and after a while,
he gave up, and he went to his desk, and he sat down.
And the minute his butt touched the chair,
I ran for the door.
And I was just running.
And then he saw me, and he started running.
And now we're both running, and he's gaining on me.
And let me just say right now,
the only reason he's gaining on me
is because I had luggage.
Like I said, I'd have taken him
if it was a pickup game of basketball.
He can't guard me.
But luggage, I didn't account for.
We hit the door at the same time.
Now we're boxing each other out,
both trying to open this door, and I'm like,
yo, Steve, back off, I'm an adult.
I can open my own damn door.
And he grabs me, and he's like,
I know you can open your own damn door, nigga!
Which may have been the only time
he never called me Mr. Snack.
But he's like, I know, you think I want to open this door for you?
I don't want to open this door for you.
Mrs. Goldenbaum, Mrs. Goldenbaum,
welcome home, welcome, welcome, welcome.
Look, fool, I don't want to open this door for you.
But these people can't see you opening your own damn door.
They'll get ideas.
They'll start thinking, wait a minute.
I can just use these to open a door?
Then what the * are we paying Steve for?
We should kill Steve.
Like, *, Steve, I'm sorry.
He's like, you know the * up part?
My name's not even Steve.
It's Marcus.
They just gave me Steve's name tag after they killed Steve.
I had to leave that building. It was too weird.
It was just Manhattan in general.
I never felt comfortable in Manhattan.
And so I moved to Brooklyn. I love Brooklyn.