I suffered a head injury last year.
True story.
Yeah.
I was kicked in my face
by my son
while we were wrestling on the bed.
He's six, by the way, not 20.
Super weird story if he was an older kid.
I'm from college.
I'm like, take your shirt off.
Get on the bed.
Yeah, moms at work, don't worry about it.
Yes, their plastic sheets are very observant.
My story that never happened
got weird all of a sudden.
What really, really happened
is we were both wearing Spider-Man masks.
True story.
This moment in the front went,
yeah, I can see that.
We were.
We were both wearing Spider-Man masks.
He was wearing the traditional
blue and red Spider-Man
that everybody's familiar with.
I was wearing black costume Spider-Man.
Secret Wars, read a book.
Thanks, nerds.
The rest of you, seriously, read a book.
And when my son says,
Daddy, put on a Spider-Man mask
and get on the bed and wrestle me,
I'm like, *, yeah.
I just said, yeah.
I didn't say, *, he's six.
We're both wearing Spider-Man masks.
I don't know how both versions of Spider-Man
existed in that universe at that second.
I'm not sure my son worked his nerd * out,
you know what I mean?
And I have to be honest with everybody in here.
I was kind of phoning it in that day.
Because I'm an old dad.
I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted all the time.
I was 49 at the time.
He was six.
I have no energy.
He has tons of energy.
I have like maybe five, ten minutes
of good solid wrestling in me.
Then I start to get sleepy.
Maybe I got high before I picked him up at school.
Maybe it's not your business.
You ever think of that?
Maybe you should worry about your own bull.
*.
So I'm high as * and I'm wrestling my son.
And I start to get sleepy.
This is true.
I should tell you about the mask.
It might not be the kind of mask that you pictured.
It's not a plastic mask.
It's like a cloth mask.
It feels nice on my face.
It's breathable.
Whatever my wife washed it in smells real nice.
You know,
lavender.
That purple flower.
That's really nice.
My eyes are getting heavy.
I must remind you,
my son is six years old at the time.
So he's bored out of his * mind.
He can't believe he has fat old shitty dad.
Everybody at school has fun young cool dad.
Why do I have this * lazy turd?
So he decided to kick it up a notch.
Literally.
By kicking,
by kicking me in my * face.
And I didn't see it because my eyes were closed.
So here's what happened.
He blasted me right here.
And it wasn't the force of the kick because he was six at the time.
Sure, he's had a year of karate, but he still has pussy legs, whatever.
But it wasn't the force, it was the surprise.
I couldn't believe what was happening.
I was like, oh my God, my sweet, sweet son is kicking me in the face.
And I gave myself whiplash.
It's true.
I went, oh my God, he's kicking me in the face.
And I went, bam.
And I had whiplash instantly and I knew it.
And I wish I had died.
Not because it hurt that bad.
It was pretty painful.
Whiplash sucks.
I had to go to a chiropractor six times.
And there...
They're dicks.
But I wish I had died because it would have * up my kid.
Thank you.
Because if you kick your dad to death...
While you're both wearing Spider-Man masks...
That's going to * up a couple of things for you.
In life.
You know what I mean?
Like Father's Day is going to blow forever.
You're probably going to hate superheroes now.
By me having a pussy neck and going to heaven, I might have created a supervillain.
He kicks me in the grill, I die.
He becomes Green Goblin, starts * * up.
That'd be awesome.
Fatty's going to take his jacket off.
God damn.
Thanks, but you're wrong.
Uh...