i have been going to a lot of weddings lately because i love doing the electric slide
that's how i keep my carbon footprint low
i've been to a ton of weddings this past year i went to six weddings and i'm sick of going to
weddings i had six friends who got married and i'm done i'm sick of it mainly because i don't
want to buy anybody another wedding gift you got married that's the gift you found love
that should be the gift you want a salad spinner on top of that you you're
being greedy and i feel like some of my friends are realizing they're being greedy because now
they're saying stuff like hey you could get us a gift or you could make a charitable donation
in our honor oh that's great i could make a charitable donation in your honor yeah so you
look like the hero and i get stuck on some charity's mailing list for the rest of my life
like this you can't unsubscribe from a charity mailing list you can't do that you can't call
them up and be like
look i want to stop getting your newsletters i want to stop getting your postcards yeah i
know you help children them you know what i already helped a kid and he turned out fine
part of it for me though is also i have this weird thing where i
i can't throw away a piece of paper that has my name on it i can't like it's some weird thing
i don't know i feel like i'm throwing away a piece of myself or something i don't know what it is but
i can't throw it away and i can't throw it away till my kids deliver it they throw the paper
I just hang on to anything that has my name on it.
So if it's like charity mail or junk mail or receipts
or if somebody writes a note, I'll hang on to it.
And it started to get to this point
where things were piling up so high
that I started putting all these pieces of paper
into those big blue bins
like Walter White kills people in Breaking Bad.
And at some point then, the blue bins started to pile up
and I realized I was starting to look like a hoarder.
Not just any hoarder.
I was looking like the most arrogant hoarder
in the world of hoarders.
Because most hoarders, it's like,
oh, I'm going to keep these newspaper articles
and I'm going to keep this paper towel roll
in case I want to make a periscope.
Whereas me, it was just like,
my name's too pretty for the garbage.
But I realized I needed to do something
because I just found myself realizing
no woman wants to * a hoarder.
And the one that does,
but I did, I was like, you know what?
I need to take control.
I need to do something about this.
And so I figured, you know what?
I'll have a fire.
I'll just have a bonfire
and I'll burn all this stuff
because fire is cleansing and it's transformative
and I won't be able to see my name anymore.
It'll destroy it.
And I was like, yeah.
And my landlady was like, no, no, no, no.
So then my plan B was I'll get a shredder.
I'll get a paper shredder
and I'll put it all in the paper shredder
and the shredder will destroy it
and it'll chop it up.
And then these little pieces
so I can't read my name anymore.
And I was like, that's a great idea.
So I went out and I got this giant shredder
and I just started shredding stuff.
And oh, it felt good.
Just shredding, shredding.
Just this weight coming off.
I'm just shredding all these things.
And I learned something about shredders,
which is that shredders get tired.
I didn't realize that they overheat
and they stall out where they're just like,
hold on, man, what the *?
What's going on here?
Is this a boiler room situation?
Are the feds after you?
Or are you running some sort of
mock front mayonnaise shop?
What the *, man?
And there's nothing worse than a shredder
crapping out on you
halfway through mangling a Tom's Shoes catalog.
Just some picture of like a little Ecuadorian kid
looking up at you like,
Hawaii, Mr. Senac.
I told you call me Wyatt.
Don't call me Mr. Senac.
And it was you and me, Paolo.
I didn't want these * shoes.
The reason I bought this *
was because my friends didn't register
for enough * at Crate and Barrel.
And when I say enough *,
I mean cheap *.
Most of my friendships,
we're not food processor level friendships.
We're more napkin rings level friendships.
And I'm not even going to get them all eight.
I'm getting them five.
Because I don't think they can get eight people
in their one bedroom apartment.
You know what?
If they ever move to a bigger place,
I will bring them the other three
as a housewarming gift.
I got all these married friends now.
I got all these married guy friends.
I'm sick of hanging out with married guys.
Which is something I never thought I'd say.
I feel like that's something
that like a 23-year-old receptionist
at an art gallery says.
I'm sick of hanging out with married guys,
but they pay my rent.
I don't know.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of hanging out with married guys
because as a single guy,
when you hang out with married guys,
you just got yourself five wingmen
you did not ask for.
Imagine you're a 747
and then the Blue Angels flight squad
just flies in formation around you
and just sends you into a war zone
that peels off at the last minute.
That's what it is.
Like married guys,
they see their single friends
as just this laboratory
for all their friends.
All the crazy ideas they have
that they think would work on a lady,
but they can't try them
because they're married.
So all these * up stupid ideas they have,
they just pawn off on their single friends
where they're like,
hey wife,
you see that woman over there?
Go over to her
and stick your finger in her ear.
Just stick it deep in her ear.
No, trust me, it'll work.
My wife loves it when I do it.
Come on, do it.
All right, fine.
You don't want to do that?
Okay, you see that couple over there?
See that man, woman?
Go over to them.
Buy him the drink, huh?
Hmm?
Yeah.
You're thinking outside the box.
Come on, man.
Look, I know these things.
I'm married, man.
Okay, fine.
You don't want to do that?
You see that woman
who just went to the bathroom?
Follow her.
Follow.
Kick in the door.
Come on, man.
You got to do this stuff.
I can't do these things anymore
because I'm married.
I have to live vicariously
through you now.
I feel like whenever a married guy says
he wants to live vicariously through me,
I just want to make him watch me masturbate.
He's like, this is it.
Yep.
This is what you signed up for.
Yeah.
Oh, you thought I was going to talk to her?
Uh-uh.
That's not how I operate.
No.
Mm-mm.
No.