I've done roasts. I love doing roasts
because you get to make fun of other people.
Like, most of my act is me making fun of myself,
and it's fun to get to do roasts.
It's been an exercise in writing mean * about other people.
Like, I did a roast, and it was Bob Saget.
And we roasted Bob Saget,
and I went after Cloris Leachman really hard.
Nice old lady.
And I said, you look as old as the dirt you sleep in.
And super mean.
But that's what I love about roasts,
writing roast jokes, like sitting at home
and just going, I can be the meanest I can * be
and just go to these things.
So I've gotten to do metal roasts.
And being a metalhead, that's like one of the coolest things for me
because to be around these metalheads
and then also make fun of them,
and then they're like, ha, ha, cool, you know, most of the time.
Some of them hate me.
Like, I've gone hard.
Like, I said to Sharon Osbourne one time,
I was doing the Zach Wild roast,
and I said to her that,
you * Ozzy's career
just like you * all his guitarists.
And, uh, yeah, no *.
Brutal.
And she didn't headbutt me.
It's * awesome.
So this last time,
probably the last time I'll get ever invited
to do a metal roast
was the Corey Taylor roast.
Yeah, now Corey Taylor is from a band called Slipknot.
That's about right.
I love Slipknot,
but I didn't see a ton of,
you know, fat 15-year-olds in here,
so I don't know.
And, I mean, I,
I have a fat 15-year-old living inside me going,
* you, mom, I'm listening to Slipknot.
He's just,
that's all he does is sit inside me
and listen to Slipknot.
And so I get it.
So I went to the Corey Taylor roast,
and Corey's one of my buddies,
and I was like, man, if I'm doing a metal roast,
I'm gonna go brutal.
I'm gonna go hard,
because that's one of my favorite things about metal
is the brutality.
And I'm like, if you're doing a metal roast,
* brutal.
Let's go hard.
Let's do some * death metal roasting.
So,
I test one of my jokes
on a couple of my metal friends that were there,
and they were like,
dude, don't * do that.
And I was like, perfect.
All right, I went after Sebastian Bach so hard,
like,
that poor old dude.
My first joke, I was like,
I was gonna do the same,
same things I wrote about Lita Ford last year,
but I still want to * her.
And he was like,
what the * is happening?
It's like, look at your puffy face, dude.
You look like the guy who left an EpiPen
at the peanut factory.
Face is melting.
You look like you just saw the Ark of the Covenant.
I like to bring a Raiders joke
into being mean to somebody.
So then I got to the really mean one.
I got to Clown,
who's a member of Slipknot.
Now,
he's not the drummer.
He's a percussionist.
They have a drummer.
He plays percussion.
* that.
He bangs on a garbage can with a baseball bat
like a special ed kid wearing a clown mask.
It's * terrifying.
It's one of the worst things you could ever see.
It's * scary.
It's where nightmares come from, that dude.
And I love him,
but I thought I could * on him,
and so here's what I did.
I go, you know, there's nine members of Slipknot.
So I said, hey, Clown, which one are you?
Are you the one that died?
No.
I know.
Their friend died.
I know, and I made fun of them
because I'm a comedian.
We're terrible people.
Our friends die, and we make fun of them
the day they die.
That's not what normal people do.
And I didn't know that.
So then I went hard.
I wasn't done.
I go, dude, why aren't you the one that died?
That's about the reaction I got that night.
Have you ever heard 10,000 metalheads frown at once?
It was just like, meh.
And I just went, oh, I got so high.
Well, I botched that.
And I'm in L.A.,
and I see one of the guys who was at the thing.
He was a roadie buddy of mine,
and he was out at this thing
in Columbus, Ohio, where we did it.
And I go, hey, man, any fallout?
And he goes, oh, dude.
And I go, Sebastian Bach.
I go, yeah, I know, but who gives a *?
I'm like, what about Clown?
I was like, is Clown mad?
And he goes, no, dude.
Clown's sad.
Seriously.
You made Clown sad.
He couldn't understand why you said that.
You made him sad.
Oh, my * God.
I don't ever want to make Clown sad.
Any clown, especially that clown,
I don't want to make Clown sad,
because we're brothers.
You know, we're metal brothers.
I don't want to make bands
like sad.