I'm realizing I'm getting older because junior high kids have started * with me.
Nothing major, just little *.
These junior high kids, they threw a tin of beefaroni on me.
Like I said, little *.
Here's the thing.
I was walking home and these junior high kids, they were hanging out, taking up the sidewalk like they do because they think they pay taxes.
And they're throwing around a tin of beefaroni like it's a football.
And one of them drops back, throws a long bomb, and overshoots his receiver.
And then beefaroni hits me and explodes all over my shirt and all over my pants.
And now it looks like I've thrown up on myself.
And I don't know if you've ever smelled uncooked beefaroni, but it smells like I've thrown up on myself.
And it is three in the afternoon.
So I don't really have a good reason for throwing up on myself.
Not that there's ever a good reason to throw up on yourself.
But I just had beefaroni all over myself and I looked at this kid like, what the * is your problem?
And he looked back at me and he was like, you ain't gonna do *.
And he was right.
I'm not. What am I gonna do?
*** this kid by his collar, * drag him to his house, knock on his door, rat him out to his mother.
I'm gonna have to sit there in his living room.
Screams at him, and then I can gaze upon the squalor that he must live in, where he's been forced to use a tin of beefaroni as a football.
I don't want to see that, that, because I'm gonna feel bad for him.
And then I'm gonna have to be this kid's big brother until he graduates high school.
Because I've been a big brother, and I tried it in college, and I learned a valuable lesson, I can't be a big brother.
I was in college and I was like, you know what, I want to do something cool, I want to be a big brother, and I did it for all the right reasons.
I want to meet girls.
Not little ones, college girls.
I wanted to, because here's the thing, I figured college girls would see me on campus mentoring this underprivileged inner city kid, and they'd be like,
Oh, look at him, he's so socially conscious, how mature of him, we should touch his dick, both of us, yeah, both of us, at the same time.
There's a problem, though.
If you want to help an underprivileged inner city kid nine out of ten times, that's a brown kid.
And as a brown guy with a brown kid, I don't look like this kid's mentor, I look like his father.
And let me tell you, college girls aren't that excited about a 19-year-old and his six-year-old son just walking around campus.
I'll try to explain to him, I'll be like, he's not my son, and he'd be like, yes, I am!
Yeah, why won't you claim me, daddy?
* monster.
I was curious to know what that kid was doing.
I Googled him recently because I was like, I wonder what he's up to.
He's in jail.
So mission accomplished.
That was the point, right?
It was actually kind of my fault.
It was kind of my fault.
It was.
It was.
Because I remember we were having this conversation and I asked him, I was like, hey, what do
you want to do when you get older?
He was like, I want to go to jail.
I was like, why would you want to go to jail?
And he was like, because jail seems fun.
You get to play sports and you read books and you get three meals and you get a roommate.
That's awesome.
And I was like, you could get all that stuff in college.
Just go to college.
You get some college loans and you graduate and you have to pay back the loans.
That's awesome.
That'll take you a little while.
Like maybe, I mean, I've heard horror stories.
Just people taking like 20, 30 years to pay back these college loans.
Then they have kids and they got to pay the loans on those and they just underwater.
You know what?
Live your dream.
Live.
Live your dream.