I take a lot of cabs, and I feel like if you take enough cabs in this city, you will have an awkward moment in a cab.
And when I say an awkward moment in a cab, I mean something like you get into the cab, and the cab driver's like,
Hey, why don't you be an adult for once in your life? Take some * responsibility for something. Be a man.
And you're like, I'm trying!
And then you realize he's just on the phone.
It's an awkward cab moment.
I had an awkward moment that happened to me in a cab.
I was in a cab, and the cab driver was listening to the news on the radio.
The newscaster started teasing up the next stories.
The newscaster was like, stick around, and we'll update you on that cab driver rapist still at large.
That is an awkward moment to be in a cab.
But it's made even more awkward by the newscaster's syntax choice.
Because he said, cab driver rapist still at large.
So it's not clear whether or not this is a story about a cab driver who rapes people.
Or a rapist who only rapes cab drivers.
Makes it weird.
There's an awkwardness there.
There's a tension.
I felt it, and I know that the cab driver felt it too, because he was staring at me in his little mirror.
And we're both just...
Just looking at each other.
Neither one of us wants to be like, well, I'm not a rapist.
Because that's what a rapist would say.
There's really nothing we can do.
We just had to get out of the cab.
I go east, he goes west, and we never cross paths again.
Because I was going to rape that cab driver.
That's not true.
I actually have a lot of respect for cab drivers.
I have a lot of respect for cab drivers because my father was a cab driver.
My father drove a New York City cab.
And he was actually shot on the job.
And so I have a lot of respect for cab drivers as a result of that.
Because I feel like we take cab drivers for granted.
They're the ones that get us home safely.
If it's cold outside, if it's rainy, they get us home.
And because of my dad, I always try to consider that.
And I always try to overtip cab drivers when I can.
I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
But every now and again, I'll get into a cab.
And the cab driver will have his music blasting.
And he'll be on his phone talking really loud.
And the cab will just stink.
It'll stink to high hell.
And I'll roll the windows down.
And then he rolls the windows back up.
And he puts the child lock on.
And it's in those moments that I want to lose it.
And I'm like, no, Wyatt, calm down.
Think about your dad right now.
And I calm down.
I think about my dad.
And then I think, wait a minute.
Was my dad this type of cab driver?
Because that changes the story.
Something else that changes the story.
Is that my dad was a New York City cab driver.
Drove a yellow cab.
Was shot on the job.
He was actually killed.
My father was murdered.
And I was a little kid when it happened.
I was very little.
And I didn't know how to process that information.
Because I was so little.
And so somebody at a young age, they introduced me to Batman.
And they said, hey, you and Batman, you have so much in common.
First off, you're both boy billionaires.
But they were like, you and Batman.
Batman, he lost his parents when he was little.
And that hurt.
But it didn't stop him from being a good person.
And I took that to heart.
And I then just loved Batman.
And I was like, I want to be like Batman.
And I would dress up like Batman for Halloween.
And I would read comic books about Batman.
And I'd go see all the movies.
And I loved Batman.
Even to this day, I still am a fan of Batman.
I have a friend who is a New York police detective.
He's kind of my Commissioner Gordon.
He is.
He is.
It was cool.
He did this very cool thing for me.
He actually pulled my father's police file for me.
And showed it to me.
Because I knew what happened.
But I didn't know all the details.
So he showed it to me.
And I'm looking at it.
And I'm seeing the incident report.
Where it happened.
Exactly how and when and what time.
And he takes me through the whole thing.
And he's showing me the next page.
And he's showing me witness statements.
And I'm seeing what this person saw.
And what this person heard.
And then we get to a page.
It's a mug shot.
Of this man.
And he's like, this is the guy who killed your dad.
And I look at it.
And it's a current mug shot.
And I can see on the mug shot that he's out.
He's out.
And he's been out for a few years.
And he lives in Brooklyn.
Where I live.
There's a chance me and this guy have been on the subway train together at the same time.
Or we've maybe passed each other on the sidewalk.
And that started hitting me in this way where I realized I am not ready to deal with this.
Physically.
Mentally, I'm fine.
But physically, I spent my whole life looking up to Batman.
Batman spent his whole life learning Kung Fu.
Judo.
Taekwondo.
All in the hope that if he were to ever meet the guy who killed his parents, he could beat
the * out of them.
To this point in my life, all I have done is take a cooking class.
The best I could do is make this guy a quiche.
Just like, no, sir.
You are going to eat that.
Eat it.
Eat the whole thing.
You know what?
I know it's a little salty.
I know.
But you know what?
It was made with love.
The love of a boy who didn't know his father.
That's why it's salty.
Boom.
Revenge.
The dish best served.
Ah, *.
I * that up.
Give it back.
Give it back.
Give it back.
That was my fault.
When I saw the guy, it didn't...
I wasn't angry.
It just didn't mean anything.
Like, he's...
Like, I looked at his whole life, and this moment that changed my life, it also changed
his life.
And it was weird to see that and to see that we are linked in this way.
And that's not to say that if he didn't kill my dad, I still wouldn't be here.
Chances are, I'd still be here.
I'd just be bitching about how I went to prom in a taxi cab, and my favorite superhero is
the Green Arrow.
Bitching about, like, I couldn't even kiss my date at the end of the night because my
dad kept the meter running.
You know what?
And the Green Arrow shoots green arrows.
That was dark.
I know.
We went to a dark place.
But I'm doing this.
It's, you know, it's all gonna be turned into a vinyl record.
So this would probably be the place where, if you're listening at home, you could turn
the record over and be like, *, what?
Whew.
You guys are just here.
You have to deal with it.
But that means I don't have to.












But I also have to do something.
Like, I gotta tell some silly joke to change the subject so we can cleanse the palate.
I've been going to a lot of weddings lately.
Your wedding's late.