Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom is because I drank coffee, I don't drink coffee. My lady drinks coffee. She had a vanilla latte, I tasted it. I said, goddamn babe, that's good, what is that? She said, a vanilla latte. I said, yo, I'm going to get me one. Where'd you get it from? She said, Starbucks. I said, I'm going. She said, babe, I should go with you because you've never been. Girl, shut up, I'm grown, I'm gonna go by myself. No, babe, I'm serious. You don't know how it works there, let me go with you. Girl, shut up, I'm fine. I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks. She keep calling me while I'm on the way to Starbucks. You get there yet? You okay? You need my help? Now I'm getting nervous. Like, what the *** is this place? I'm really getting nervous. I get to Starbucks, I've never seen anything like it. I open the door, it's mayhem. All I hear is noise. Give me the frat-wack, frat-wack, bat-tap, frat-wack, bat-wack, frat-lap, frat-wack, bat-wack. I've never seen anything like it. I'm scared, I'm in line. I don't even know how I got in line, but I'm there. I'm like, in the middle. I'm trying to fit in, but I know I don't. I'm sweating. I'm next. Here's what I don't like. I don't like the pressure that the barista put on me for not knowing the lingo. It's my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. My first time. I'm like, good morning. It's crowded, right? ***. What do I want? Um, let me get a, let me get a vanilla la-tet. I'm sorry, sir, what'd you say? Let me get a, let me get a vanilla latex la-tet. Let me get that. You mean latte? Yes, that's what I mean. Let me get a, let me get a small vanilla latte. Okay, sir, that's one tall vanilla latte. No, it's not what I want. I don't want a tall, I want a small. Sir, a tall is a small. No, it's not. If that's the case, I will be tall. Tall's a tall, small's a small. You know what? I don't want to cause a rut. Whatever your version of a small is, let me get that. How would you like it, sir? Would you like that iced or hot? The *** is going on, man? What you talking about? Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat ***. Would I like it iced or hot? Would I like it iced or hot? ***. ***. How would you get it? The lady behind me was like, mm, she only had one shoulder. I stopped talking to her immediately. I said, let me, let me get it iced. He said, what'd you say? I said, hot, hot ice, icy hot. Put it together, like that. That's how I want it. That's how I drink it. Sir, would you like it whipped or blended? Would I like it whipped or blended? ***. ***. Would I like it whipped or blended? You know what? Whip it. Whip it, whip it real good. Just do that. Sir, for two more dollars, you want to make it a skinny? Well, you know I ain't trying to leave with the fat bitch. I ain't trying to leave with the fat bitch. Do what you got to do, man. Sir, what kind of milk would you like? Would you like, would you like whole milk, skin milk, 2% soy? I didn't even know it was that many milks, man. ***, ***. Would y'all cut the heat on? Goddamn, my ***ing ass is sweating. Can you back up? Goddamn, back up. You don't see I'm trying to take this test? ***. How many, you say it's four milks? ***. Put them all in there. Give me every milk you got. I want every goddamn milk you got. Put it in there. Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put cinnamon at the top? You know what? I just want to cancel it. I don't even know what I have at this point. Am I getting a latte or am I baking a ***ing cake? Just let me, let me get a banana. Can I get that banana? Just put some water in my hand so I can put it on my face real quick. You want that water to be hot or cold? What the *** is your problem, man? Goddamn, will you back up? Back up. ***. Relax, bend your knees. I can't bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan. The black girl popped out, orangutan. Really? I'm going to be honest with y'all. I don't like people to drink Starbucks coffee. I really don't. Matter of fact, if you're a real Starbucks drinker, you're here tonight, make some noise. If you're a real Starbucks drinker. Okay, all of y'all can suck my balls. I wanted y'all to know who I was talking to. Here's my question. Who the *** do you think you are? Like, do you hear what you order? Do you hear what you ask for people to bring you back? Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody? You don't even drink it, you're just being nice. Hey man, I'm going to go to Starbucks real quick. I'm going to get a bottle of water. It's always one guy. You can tell he drank way too much coffee because he got too much energy. Oh! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You going to Starbucks? You going to Starbucks? You going to Buc-ee's? Do me a favor, man. Let me get a caramel macchiato. Caramel macchiato, light ice, not heavy. If it's heavy, I'm not going to drink it. Do me a favor. Tell him to put a little bit of soy in it. Not a lot. Just enough for me to taste it and go, oh boy. Okay. Three whips. Take that third whip to the top of the lip so I can take a sip. You got it? You ain't got it. I'm going to say it one more time. Caramel macchiato. Caramel macchiato, light ice, not heavy. If it's heavy, I'm not going to drink it. Do me a favor. Tell him to put a little bit of soy in it. Not a lot. Just enough for me to taste it and go, oh boy. Okay. Three whips. Take that third whip to the top of the lip so I can take a sip. You got it? Let me make sure I got it. Let me say it back to you. Black coffee. Did I get it? Is it black coffee? Because if you think I'm going to go across the street and say what you just said, you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday. Not a lot. Just with a little bit of soy. Enough for you to *** and go, oh boy. When you get to the top of my dick, slow down so I can know you really sucked that ***. Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. Thank you. Thank you. God damn it, thank you. I love y'all. Thank you, man. Thank you. From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom. Thank you. I love y'all, man. I'll tell you what, Philadelphia. This is a ***ing moment, dude. This is a moment. You hear me? It's a moment. When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible. You hear me? I see some of everybody. We all came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. If you can laugh together, you can live together. If you can live together, you can love together. I live by those rules and I'd be damned if I didn't see that *** happen tonight. In my city, I made ***ing history, god damn it. I'm in the record books, you hear me? I am in the record books. My name is Kevin Hart and this has been the best night of my ***ing life, you hear me? Thank you all. I appreciate you so goddamn much. Good night, peace. That blah's in the bit. Burns up in the Rambo ho. Guns in that Bando ho. Chokee Chokee, you just came. You the man, you the man. I'm sittin' up there you do the man.