I love women. Don't think this year. I really do.
I'm like a 14-year-old kid. I still get excited.
I see tits.
Let me tell you a little titty story. This is true.
About a week and a half ago,
I'm sitting on my couch at home.
I hear my wife say, I'm going shopping.
I could have sworn I heard the door slam and everything.
Turns out she didn't even leave the house.
Not only was she still in the house,
she was like 12 feet away in the kitchen
reading a magazine quietly like the * sneak that she is.
That's what happens when you're married
to the same person for that long.
You actually hallucinate about them leaving the house.
So I'm sitting there watching a movie on HBO.
This actress comes on.
So out loud, I'm thinking I'm by myself.
I go, nice tits.
Which is kind of creepy to say that out loud
when you're by yourself.
So I go, nice tits.
And my wife sticks her miserable face in from the kitchen.
She goes, what's your obsession with tits anyways?
What a dumb question to ask a guy.
What's my obsession with tits?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's because somebody stuck one in my mouth
when I was three seconds old
and it fed me a delicious meal
that kept me alive for the next 24 hours.
I'm no Freud,
but I'm pretty sure that would * with a kid's memory
for the next 54 years or so.
I'm pretty sure that's why even today
when I see a tit,
I start to drool like a Saint Bernard
with his head out the window of a Jeep
on a highway somewhere.
And my wife goes, well, that's not true.
I'm like, what do you mean it's not true?
She goes, well, us women, we're breastfed.
We're not obsessed with tits.
No, you're not obsessed with tits at all.
No, you'll pay a doctor 20 grand to knock you out,
cut your chest open like a hot pocket,
stick in two Ziploc bags
filled with saline and margarita mix
so you can beat your girlfriend Pam
at the wet t-shirt contest on Sunday.
But I'm the one with the unhealthy attitude towards tits.
I understand.
Would she be happier if I was obsessed with cock?
Sorry, my dad didn't walk around pantless
while I was teething.
What if she heard that
coming out of the living room that night?
Nice dick.
Sticks her face in.
What's your obsession with dicks anyways?
Maybe it's because somebody stuck one in my mouth
when I was three seconds old
and it fed me a delicious meal
that kept me alive for the next two days.
Maybe that's why.
What is your problem?
What are you, homophobic?
Love tits.
I'm an old-fashioned guy.
Still go down on the wife.
You know what I mean?
I haven't put a pee-pee in my mouth yet.
I'm the one living the alternative lifestyle
at this point.
But anyhow.
I don't know.