We are finished as a...
We really are finished country.
I'm nervous.
We are *...
I mean, my wife was watching
the Kardashians the other night.
I had never seen the show.
I sat down.
I watched about...
Yeah, finally something
the fellas can relate to,
this joke.
I appreciate that.
They're high-fiving each other.
For Christ's sake,
finally something
that I can laugh at.
I watched five minutes
of the Kardashians.
About two minutes into it,
I had this thought.
Maybe ISIS has a point.
I don't think I'd mind
seeing Khloe's head
rolling down Wilshire Boulevard
with a Gucci wallet
stuck in her fat * face.
Aren't the Kardashians
everything that Islam hates about us?
Just money-grubbing,
shallow, spiritual-ish
* whores?
Yes, Riverhead.
Yes, the answer is yes.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't want you to get
the wrong idea, Pia.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't want to...
I don't want to live
in an ISIS world.
I don't want to live
in a world where they throw acid
in a little girl's face
who wants to go to school.
But I don't want to live
in a world where somebody
like Kim Kardashian
is a billionaire
because the thing she shits out of
is shaped like a giant peach.
Isn't there a happy medium
between the two worlds?
Can I throw hot cocoa
in a little girl's face
who has a Kardashian lunchbox?
Wouldn't that be fair?
ISIS.
Make me look liberal,
for Christ's sake.
They're a little conservative,
aren't they, those fellas?
They're throwing gay guys
off the tops of buildings
over there.
Imagine if we did that
in New York City.
We'd be reigning men
for three weeks.
Sam Champion comes on.
Let's take a look
at the forecast outside.
Holy *, my life partner Dave
just flew by the window.
What the Christ?
I hope he doesn't bruise
that perfect little ass of his.
Here's Mike with sports.
Okay.
I don't want to live in a world
where they throw gay guys
off the tops of buildings,
but I don't want to live in a world
where I'm watching
the Halloween parade
in the village
and a midget sticks a thumb
on my ass
and runs away laughing.
That's a true story, folks.
That's a true story.
What a night I had.
Boy, was I drunken.
Boy, did it feel kind of good.
Listen, I...
No, it was horrible.
I was screaming.
Nobody could hear me
because I had my
Nurse Jackie mask on.
I mean, it was just a horrible...
That's the best part of the joke.
Nobody gets it over * 50.
Oh, Nurse Jackie.
Oh, * that.
The Kardashians.
My goodness.
What else did I learn
washing the Kardashian?
Oh, the...
I noticed the Kardashian girls
enjoy black cock.
Anybody pick up on this?
They really enjoy
that black snake I noticed, huh?
Especially that Kim.
Yum, yum.
She loves that black snake.
Yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum.
Why is that wrong to say?
If you like cock,
you go with the best.
Am I right, fellas?
Am I right?
It's getting rave reviews on Yelp.
I mean, uh...
Who was the...
Kim Kardashian.
A lot of black cock.
Good for her.
You know, after her last pap smear,
they solved 22 murders
in the Los Angeles area.
You know that?
Yeah.
Now you know who you came to see.
That's right, sir.
Don't clap.
You couldn't even think that joke
up in a million years.
* dope.
Anyways.
If that gets cut out of the special,
I will be protesting.
Okay?
It's my favorite joke.
I did it during a roast,
and I'll keep it in
until I'm finally kicked out
of this thing they call
show business.
The Kardashians, yeah.
* Bruce, Caitlin.
What's his name?
Ted, Sharon.
I don't know.
What the *?
Uh, Michelle, Michael, Kevin.
Saw Caitlin on TV,
my wife, the other night.
Literally, she goes like this.
She goes,
he makes a beautiful woman.
I go, let's analyze that sentence,
fuckface.
He makes...
He still has a penis.
He's a * guy.
I don't give a *
what you're telling me.
I drive a Toyota.
I put a Mercedes emblem
on the hood.
It's still a * Toyota, folks.
Just lift the hood
and look at the parts.
It's very easy.
He makes a beautiful woman.
Is that a beautiful woman
in 2016, millennial guys?
Is that what you're looking for?
A chick with shoulders
like James Caan?
* feet like Gronkowski?
Neck like Hillary?
Yeah, put on that one piece, Caitlin.
I'm getting hard
as a shark's tooth.
You look beautiful.
Jump into the hot tub,
you crazy bitch slash fella.
He does look better now
than he did during
the Diane Sawyer interview.
He was back then,
he was in between.
He was in the lava stage.
He wasn't a caterpillar.
He wasn't a butterfly.
He looked like a prostitute
caught in a fire in 1928.
Let me show you my black skirt.
I'm going to show everybody
my pussy in a couple years, Diane.
La, la, la, la, la.
Still love him.
Doesn't affect me.
Who gives a *, right?
At least that's what
I'm supposed to say
or I get kicked out of Hollywood.
But no, I do.
It doesn't...
Bruce Jenner, I mean,
he was my idol.
I was 14 years old.
I had a poster.
I had a poster of him
in my bedroom.
I had to take it down last night.
I mean, Jesus Christ,
how do you think I feel?
That transgender thing.
You liberals, man,
you can complicate anything.
* God.
People don't know
what bathroom to use now.
They're at a * nightclub.
I was at a dance club
in Manhattan a couple weeks ago.
Here's the ladies' room.
Here's the men's room.
Right next to it,
there was a pile of *
in between the two doors.
A big pile of *
with a tampon
and a fake mustache.
I'm stuck in it
and cigarettes
and lipstick
and some guy
in a miniskirt going,
I don't know,
I gotta take a dump.
But there's a line
in the men's room.
I feel like Sharon tonight.
I think I'm gonna go
go pee-pee.
It does get confusing,
you know?
But I'm starting...
I evolve on that.
I really do believe
there's a spectrum of ***.
It's not just a guy and a girl.
There's a lot of *
in between.
You've seen them.
Come on.
My buddy goes...
The other day,
I said something.
My buddy goes,
I don't know,
does a bear * in the woods?
I go, I don't know.
Does he identify as a bear?
Maybe he thinks
he's an eagle tonight.
Somebody get my umbrella
if that's the case.
I don't...