Here's a symptom of a politically correct society.
Here's a phrase that makes me angry like there's any that don't.
But this one especially.
You ever hear people will be talking about some guy, some random guy,
and they go, he's a great guy.
He never has a bad word to say about anybody.
That doesn't make him a great guy.
It makes him a phony * is what it makes him.
Who doesn't have a bad word to say about anybody?
I can't stop bad-mouthing people.
I'll be in my car on a rainy day at a red light.
I'm like, oh, look at this fat * with a tiny umbrella.
Yeah, good luck keeping that muffin top dry, shithead.
Oh, there's an 18-year-old Dominican in a $90,000 Lexus.
I'm sure he's a dentist.
My cell phone rings. It's my wife.
What the *'s this * want?
Can you leave me alone for five minutes, bitch?
Who doesn't?
Who doesn't have a bad word to say about anybody?
Nobody. We all bad-mouth people.
Nick, what do you think of Hitler?
Well, he's kind of grouchy, but he had a good work ethic.
What do you think of Ted Bundy?
Well, he hated women, but he was a snappy dresser, goddammit.
What do you think of John Wayne Gacy?
Well, he * a few Cub Scouts, but he could paint.
You know, even my dentist is politically correct.
I'm sitting in the...
I'm sitting in the dentist chair waiting for him to come in.
He's got a poster on the wall.
It was the most politically correct horseshit I have ever read.
It was making me physically angry.
I'm * sitting there, gritting my three teeth that he's about to pull out.
It's a poster, and the title of the poster was
Life's Little Instructions.
How to be a good person and enjoy your life at the same time.
And there was a hundred things listed.
I read every one of them.
I am proud to say I haven't done one in 54 * years.
Not even close.
The first one was, when you meet somebody,
treat them the way you'd want them to treat you.
I'm going to spend an hour blowing a Jehovah's Witness
and making them a BLT.
It's one of my favorites.
God bless you, honey.
The next one was, always be the first person to say hello.
That's good advice.
If you and your best friend,
you're kind of trying to * the same waitress.
Never refuse an outstretched hand.
Even if it's a really chubby one
coming from behind a shower curtain
of a girl I picked up in a dark bar three hours ago.
She's like, get in.
I'm like, * that.
I can't even see your knuckles.
I'm not getting in there.
You got a sugar problem, bitch.
Where's my jacket?
Here's my favorite one.
At least once a year,
take the time to enjoy a sunrise and a sunset.
Well, thanks to my Virginia ham-sized prostate,
I can do both of those during one piss.
Here's another good one.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
It's the type of advice that kept Jerry Sandusky
in business for 20 years, isn't it?
Never refuse homemade brownies.
It depends.
It depends who's offering the brownies.
If it's a homeless guy coming out of a dumpster
in his underwear, I'll take a pass.
If it's Willie Nelson's bass player,
I'll take a dozen.
Always sing in the shower.
Even if I'm in prison,
surrounded by 10 black guys with hard-ons,
let me belt out something from The Lion King.
Well, I got to be black guys in that joke.
Okay, three Jews are trying to rape me
in a state prison shower,
and they're all my lawyers.
Anyway, it's back in a...
Hey, Long Island, that was for you.
Always wave to children on a school bus.
Even if the judge told me not to.
Beep, beep, hey, Billy.
Hey, I got some brownies for you.
Let me meet you.
John Maple's great.
Let me be the first to say hello.
We have the tight red shorts I like so much.
Okay, talk to you soon.
Bye-bye.