Wakey wakey, we're opening My band of thugs My den of disillusioned My dirty jugs My always pissed as news My sons of whores No, no, no, no, no, not tonight Spend their lives in my head Mowing pigeons, homing in They fly through my doors And they crawl out on all fours Welcome, monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest, all of them crooks Rooking the guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house, darling, how's the job? Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale, makes a little star Customers appreciate them all prefer Like to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve them of a sue or two Ordering the wine, making up the way Picking up their knickknacks when they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus So I'll plead him in the end Master of the house, quick to catch your eye Never was a master but you're passing by Serving to the poor, brought them to the grave Talking of the lost and very life-loving Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone But lock up your beliefs as Jesus won us Skinny to the bone Food beyond compare, food beyond belief Mix it in a mixer and pretend it's beef Kidney off a horse, liver off a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Presents are unwelcome Rital suite is occupied Reasonable charge and plus some little extras on the side Oh Santa! Charge them for the lice, extra for the mice 2% for looking in the mirror twice And over here a little slice, there a little cut 3% for sleeping with the windows shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks I know Now it all increases, all those bits and pieces Jesus, it's amazing how it grows Oh sorry love Let's get something done up here then I used to dream that I was made a prince A god almighty Have you seen what's happened since? Master of the house Isn't worth my spin Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shifter Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover But there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Learned me with such a louse God knows how I've lost it Living with this *** in the house Master of the house Master and a half Comforter, philosopher Don't make me laugh Serving to the poor Bugging to the great He's getting tidy in a nightly yank Everybody bless the landlord Everybody bless his pants Everybody raise your glass Raise it at the master's house Everybody raise your glass To the master of the house