Wakey-wakey, we're opening. My band of thugs My den of disillusioned My dirty jugs My always-pissed-as-news My sons of whores No, no, no, no, no. Not tonight. Spend their lives in my inn Harming pigeons, harming inn They fly through my doors And they crawl out on all fours Welcome, monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest, all of them crooks Rooking the guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house, darling, how's the job? Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale, makes a little store Customers appreciate the bold fever Like to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve them of a zoo or two Ordering the wife, making up the way Picking up their knick-knacks When they come see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I'll do whatever pleases Jesus So I'll plead him in the end Master of the house, Good to catch your eye Never was a closet But you're passing by Serving to the poor, You're a philosopher, a life-loving Everybody's boomer, man, you're a moon Everybody's chaperone But knock up your beliefs As Jesus won a skinny to the phone Food beyond compare Food beyond belief Mix it in a mixer and pretend it's beef Kidney off a horse Liver off a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Presents are unwelcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side Oh, Santa! Charge them for the lice Extra for the mice 2% for looking in the mirror twice And over here a little slice There a little cut 3% for sleeping with the windows shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks I know How it all increases All those bits and pieces Jesus, it's amazing how it grows Oh, sorry, love I must get something done, my brother I used to dream that I was made a prince But God almighty Have you seen what's happened since? What? Master of the house Isn't worth my spin Comforter, philosopher And lifelong shifter Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover But there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Let it be with such a louse God knows how I've lost it Living with this *** in the house Master of the house Master of the house Master of the house Master of the house Master and a half Comforter, philosopher Don't make me laugh Selling to the poor Buying to the great He's being told you're a no-brainer Everybody bless the landlord Everybody raise his glass Everybody raise a glass Raise it up, the master's up Everybody raise a glass To the master of the house To the master of the house