Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man you came to see, the one and only, Nick DiPaolo!
Hey, Long Island! Yeah!
Welcome to my big special!
Thank you, look at this, beautiful!
Beautiful! Thank you!
Alright!
Let's not overdo it, huh? Alright!
I had to train for like, you know, a year to do this show tonight, and...
I can't lose the... I can't, I'm 54, I can't have the metabolism, it just doesn't * move me.
I did P90X, you're supposed to do that for three months, I did it a year and a half.
Nobody told me it would turn...
You should hear my hips and knees into a fine powder.
You should hear my hips and ass bones, I'm coming down the stairs in the morning, it sounds like I'm walking on bubble wrap.
Jesus Christ, what the hell's that popping and snapping *?
My buddy goes, you gotta do the 30-minute insanity workout with Sean T, you know, the gay black fella, he's...
You gotta stay focused, welcome to 30-minute insanity, you gotta get some abs up in here.
You wanna meet a confused Cub Scout, you gotta get ripped, you know what I'm saying?
I'm making fun of this guy, meanwhile he's got the lung capacity of a blue whale, I can't keep up with this * guy.
I make fun of people, I used to make fun of people who did this *, you know, worked out in their living rooms, I'm like, how faggy is that?
Now I can't even keep up with these people.
You know, he's got all these broads behind him, they're like in their late teens.
I'm doing the modified version of the exercise, you know, they always have the one chubby chick up front doing the modified version.
Everybody behind us are doing one-arm push-ups, me and Catherine are going...
Yeah, this is what the Navy SEALs do to get ripped, I think.
This is what Belichick has the pats doing in training camp.
And I take it out on her, this heavyset girl, she's, you know, I'm so old and bitter, I can't keep up with her.
Sean T's like, now Catherine's in all fours, I'm like, yeah, for the first time in her * life.
No need of saying that.
Meanwhile, he's got these girls behind him, they're like 22, they have negative body fat, they're in the tightest panties you've ever seen.
Six minutes into the workout, I'm on the couch with my pants down, going, yeah, this is great.
I heard this is like 450 calories, I read that in Esquire magazine.
Yeah, Johnny Depp said that or some *.
What am I going to do pull-ups for?
This feels much better, I got to be honest, I'm really going to get shredded, I'll tell you.
I'm going to get shredded.