All kinds of * out there.
Here's the disease I'm most afraid of,
and I know, I pray I don't get this.
Moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
Have you heard that phrase enough?
I'm almost jealous I don't have it.
I'm so interested in it.
You can't get a simple case of it.
It has to be moderate to severe.
If I come in with three red bumps on my nuts,
you're going to send me away?
Moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
All kinds of drugs for that.
Even in the drug commercials,
the husband has to be the *.
You can't give us a * break.
Both men and women get disease.
Every commercial, the guy has the disease.
You know the Humira commercial I'm talking about?
The wife is laying by the pool quietly,
like the little angel that she is.
And here comes the husband, the *,
with the red bathing suit, shitty physique.
He's got an oozing raspberry on his left ass cheek.
How can I get...
How can I turn that clean pool into a crockpot of bacteria?
I know, I'll do a cannonball an inch from my wife's face
with my... splash her with this leprosy water.
I think that'll get her.
How come the wife can't have the disease?
How come the wife can't come out with a nice tank top on,
some side tit, big oozing raspberry?
There you go, Dave.
Here's some moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
Enjoy that.
Those commercials, huh?
Humira cures everything.
Kids with leprosy are rubbing it on their feet.
People with flat tires are getting fixed with Humira.
Got a squeaky door? Humira!
Yeah, it's always the *...
The first Humira commercial was my favorite.
Remember this one?
Handsome guys, right?
* guys at a salad bar.
He's trying to get food.
Cute girl walks up.
They make eye contact.
They're like,
And then the girl notices his elbow is bubbling
like a slice of deep dish pizza fresh out of the oven.
So she scurries away like the shallow * that she is.
And he just stands there.
I would've been chasing her, trying to touch her neck.
Hey, have some chickpeas.
I'll make a nice Greek salad.
Let me stir these for you.
I got a rash and you're running away from me?
Just standing there, emasculated.
Every commercial.
It's just so tiring.
Every commercial is gender neutral.
Every commercial has to be gender neutral.
I heard this on the radio today, okay?
I swear to God.
The men and women have to be equal, no matter what the commercial is.
This is the commercial.
It goes,
One in four men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer this year.
But prostate cancer affects you too, ladies.
It does?
We can't even * have that to ourselves?
How does prostate cancer affect you?
I mean, unless you're Caitlyn or Hillary.
How the hell does that...
And what they're saying is,
they go on in the commercial to explain,
if a guy has prostate cancer,
his wife or girlfriend's sexual needs aren't gonna get met.
That may or may not be true,
but ladies,
you think you could put your pussy aside for five minutes
while I'm fighting for my life and I'm shitting blood
and my hair's falling out in the sink?
You think you could do that,
you selfish little feminist whores?
Could you do that for me, please?
Well, feminists that selfish back in the * 60s?
No, they weren't.
If they were,
Brian's song would've been a whole different movie, you know?
Brian Piccolo's on his deathbed.
Magic, it's fourth and long and they won't let me punt.
All of a sudden you hear a vibrator in the corner of the hospital.
I don't give a * what his white cell count is.
I'm a person too.
You wouldn't hear the opposite commercial, would you?
You wouldn't hear, you know,
one in four women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year.
But you know what?
Breast cancer affects you too, fellas.
You can't give your girlfriend a pearl necklace
if she has one tit now, can you?
Where's that commercial?
See, when we do that commercial, then we're truly equal
and there's not a bunch of bitches protesting
in front of the goddamn * studio, right?
How politically correct are the commercials?
If I see one more commercial for a home alarm company
where the white guy kicks the front door
in at three in the morning...
Not just that.
It's any white actor.
It's the whitest actor they could find.
Apparently, Ed Begley Jr.
isn't getting his checks from St. Elsewhere anymore,
so he's cat burgling for a living.
Who the * is stealing our silver?
Is that *... Who is that?
Lily Munster?
Look at the complexion on that bitch.