It's not the worst thing in some.
There's a lot of * out there
thanks to the borders being wide open.
You know this?
They canceled school in Wisconsin,
a middle school last week.
Two kids came to school with leprosy.
Who's the last person to have leprosy?
I think it was Ben Hur's mother.
Wasn't it?
Imagine your kid's going to school,
his buddy puts his lunchbox down,
his hand breaks off on the handle.
What the *?
Oh, no, I don't know what happened.
I don't know what I'm doing.
* leprosy.
Ebola.
Two women in Sacramento.
I just read this online.
Two women have Ebola.
They're keeping this high shot.
Ebola.
Ebola.
I was actually hoping to get Ebola,
not a full-blown case.
I've been trying to lose the same 10 pounds
for the last 20 years.
Maybe if I * blood for 18 months straight,
it might put a dent in my fat gut.
But my metabolism is so slow.
I could get Zika, AIDS, and Ebola for 10 years.
They'd put me on the scale and go,
you put on 22 pounds.
Have you been cheating on your Ebola diet, Nick?
We just x-rayed your stomach.
It's filled with blood and fun-sized Snickers.
Ebola.
Africa's giving some good *.
Ebola, AIDS, L-Sharpton,
all the things in life that I love.
I put all those three in the same category.
Anyhow.
Hey, a round of applause from the predominantly white crowd.
All right, let's see if they edit that out.
Let's see if that stays in the show, folks, huh?
That's why nobody's heard of me after 30 years.
All the funniest * gets cut on the floor.
Yeah, Ebola.
People were panicking.
Last week, I'm in my car listening to a radio show,
and this lady calls into a talk show.
She goes, so how do we avoid getting the Ebola virus?
Oh, I don't know.
Don't lick a toilet brush at a gas station in Sierra Leone.
Don't blow anybody in the Hyatt hot tub in Gambia.
Don't toss the salad of a warlord from Burkino Faso.
Just stay in Long Island and get bladder cancer like the rest of us.
How do we avoid it?
Obama even got that wrong, too.
Remember, he goes, it'll be very difficult to catch in the United States.
Two days later, that nurse in Texas got a nice...
She was dressed like Heisenberg in Breaking Bad, and she caught it.
I guess I'm safe in a T-shirt and jeans on a bike.



I'm on a plane sitting next to a lady from Bangkok with a live rooster on her lap.
* bras just sneezed on my omelet twice.
I can see why people panic, because there's a 70% mortality rate with Ebola.
I'm talking to some guy on a plane.
He's a complete stranger.
His face is a foot from mine.
He's about to sentence me to death if that piece of pork between his front teeth
becomes dislodged during the conversation.
Hi, Nick, I'm headed to Pittsburgh.
Cut to me in a diaper, bleeding from my ass and eye holes.
What happened?
A guy spit an enchilada in my face.
I don't know.
Oh, the disease.
*...
Zika.
Let me get this straight now.
I'm trying to put a positive spin.
People are panicking about Zika.
Let me bring some, you know, logic to the conversation.
Now, do I have this right?
If a pregnant woman gets bit by a fly with Zika,
she's going to give birth to a...
a baby with a little M&M head.
Am I right so far?
I guess that's kind of bad.
I'm not sure.
Now, ladies, I don't know.
All I've been hearing my whole life is how childbirth
is the most painful thing anybody can go through.
You see where I'm going with this?
I'm guessing it's because of the baby's head.
That hurts when it comes out, right?
Anybody connecting the dots on this one?
I'm just...
I'm just saying, if I was a girl
and I'm about to have my first baby
and I was nervous about how much it was going to hurt,
I think I'd be in the Bahamas tonight
in a swamp naked rubbing peanut butter on my tits.
Nine months after the vacation,
she's in the kitchen washing dishes.
She goes to fart and Todd falls on the kitchen floor.
She doesn't even feel it.
Her husband has to point it out.
Hey, the kid's here. Wake up.
Okay, he's got a tiny head.
He's in for a life of bullying,
but you still have the pussy of a 14-year-old.
I think we're all...
I think we all win here, no?
I'm Donald Trump, and I approve that message.
Here we go.
Trump likes pussy. Big deal.
So does Hillary. What's the big deal?
I mean, I'm not going to get into this right now.
At the end of the show, I might dabble in it. Relax.
She's been a little sloppy with that personal server.
*, I got two emails from her in my inbox this morning.
Yeah, Zeke, you know what disease is going to get me, folks?
I'll tell you what's going to kill me, and I know this.
You guys know I grew up in Boston.
I'm a diehard Red Sox fan.
* my dad taught me to hate the Yankees and *,
but...
This is...
The Sox! The * Sox!
This is what...
This is why I know I'm going to die of Lou Gehrig's disease.
I just know it.
Lou Gehrig's ghost is going to kill me.
I * know this. It's in my bones.
This is...
I didn't realize how much I hated the Yankees
until a couple of years ago.
I refused to take the Ice Bucket Challenge
to cure Lou Gehrig's disease.
It's a fatal disease
named after a Yankee.
Yankee?
Let that * spread like wildfire.
I don't give a *.
That's a PR nightmare for those motherfuckers.
People start dying of big pappy disease,
I'll dump a bucket of cat piss over my head.
Why am I going to help Lou Gehrig, for Christ's sake?
He's the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
You heard him.
You remember that speech.
That's what he called himself.
He had, what, a month left to live?
Did lucky mean something different back in the 40s?
Even his friends were on the stands that night going,
did he just say lucky?
What the *?
Guy's going to be dead in about 10 minutes.
Oh, yeah, you're a regular rabbit's foot, Lou.
Let's go to the track tonight.
Maybe we'll get you a lottery ticket.
You're on fire.
What, is he shitting me?
But he handled it beautifully
because that was that generation, right?
They had some elegance, some class to them,
not like us selfish assholes.
But he handled that speech beautifully.
He knew he had six months to live.
He's in front of 60,000 people at Yankee Stadium.
He's like,
today, today, today.
I consider myself the luckiest man, man,
on the face of the earth.
I don't think I would have handled it quite that classy.
I found out I had a month left to live
and met Fenway Park, 40,000 people.
I would have been like,
today, today, today.
I was * in the ass, ass, ass by God, God, God, God.
I was leading the league in RBIs, eyes, eyes, eyes.
Now I'm shitting blood.
Blood, blood, blood.
There is no God, God, God.
* you, people, people, people, people, people.
You're throwing hot dogs at me in Heineken.
Shut up, I'm dying, dying, dying.
You're going to hell.
I got mustard in my three strands of hair.
Ah, * dying.