How would you all like to sing on a song?
Sure.
Oh, all right.
Okay, this is a song. I was trying to write a very, very romantic love song,
and then I got really sick and ended up in the hospital.
And I was in a semi-private room, and in the next bed was a woman
who was hooked up to what looked like a whole bunch of Pac-Man machines
that were keeping her alive.
And I was really doped up because I was in a whole lot of pain,
so I started thinking about this poor woman,
started thinking about all the pain I was in,
started thinking about a store on West 4th Street in Greenwich Village
where you can buy marital aids and stuff like that.
And it's all swirled around in my head, and I was trying to write a romantic song,
but this is what came out instead.
Oh, Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple,
but not in bed.
Oh, they tried taking drugs, how-to books, even Dr. Ruth,
but for all intents and purposes their love life was dead
till one day Janie went over to the pink pussycat boutique.
She bought a long cylindrical thing.
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not.
Every night you can hear him sing.
He says, our love is being kept alive by artificial means.
You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine.
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
because our love is being kept alive by artificial means.
Okay, now, this is a sing-along, but only for people who have problems in the boudoir, okay?
So the rest of you be quiet, and you troubled souls just follow the bouncing ball.
Let everyone know how uninhibited and how unashamed you are of your problems.
Oh, Johnny went down to the barroom.
He bought one drink, he bought two, he bought three.
Oh, he moaned to the bartender, the state of his married life.
Bartender said, hey bud, just listen to me.
So Johnny went over to the pink pussycat boutique.
He bought a plastic blow-up doll.
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not.
She is angry, she is jealous, she is appalled.
There you go. She says, our love is being kept alive by artificial means.
Artificial means you've grown emotionally attached to that polypropylene.
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
because our love is being kept alive by artificial means.
That is the best thing I have ever heard.
This is the most uninhibited crowd.
What a state, California, I'm so glad to be here.
Wires, switches, batteries, plastic, tufts of polyester hair.
Who'd ever think they could replace the love humans used to share?
Then one fateful day, those batteries died
at the same moment that that big doll sprung a leak.
Johnny looked at Janie, looked at Johnny, looked at Janie.
Ah, they both found it difficult to speak.
I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away
and fell in love all over again.
But Johnny taped up that hissing woman
when Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walkman.
Because their love is being kept alive by artificial means,
they've grown emotionally attached to these modern *** machines.
Their relationship is not as healthy, big finish,
because their love is being kept alive, love is being kept alive,
love is being kept alive by artificial means.
That's it, a nice warm hand here in KHIP from Hollister.
This is the General Feed and Seed Live Music Hour
and our guest of course this week, Christine Lavin.