I'm gonna talk about me a little bit.
Tell you about my life.
I'm single.
Single, don't have any kids.
You know.
Yeah, look at her, wow.
Seriously, I don't have kids, man.
Kids scare me.
Not like one-on-one, because I'm big.
I could take a kid.
You know, but the idea of having them,
because I have friends with kids,
and I hear rumors, man.
From what I understand,
they want to eat every day.
See that right there is a problem for me.
Because I can't have no little hungry,
unemployed person hanging around my house.
And I thought I was all right being single,
you know,
until I did something that no single man should ever do.
I went to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Yeah,
just walked in there like I knew I was doing.
Now I know how women feel when they talk to car mechanics.
When you have that vague sense you're being ripped off,
but you don't really know what's going on.
You know, because I went in there,
I bought sheets for the bed,
right?
I went in with $50,
going to buy sheets for the bed.
Then they just start selling me *, man.
They sold me a duvet cover.
And I don't have a duvet.
I don't think.
And then they start treating me like I'm the idiot.
They're like, do you have a comforter?
I said, yeah.
Well, you got to protect it.
I had no idea it was under attack.
Apparently there's some * attacking the bed
when I'm not around.
And then they sold me pillow shams.
And I figured out what the sham is.
You have to buy extra pillows just to put in them.
You have to buy pillows you're never going to sleep on
to protect from the unknown * attacking the bed.
And then they sold me the bed ruffle, you know,
to protect under the bed, because apparently I'm
being attacked high and low.
And that's when I knew it was bullshit,
because if you can stop it with a ruffle,
how tough could it really be?
I spent $1,100 in that store, man.
And that's when I knew I need a woman.
Really,
because they say a good woman will make you a better man.
That's why I say a good woman will make you a better man.
Problem is, good women ain't my type.
I don't like good women.
I like psycho chicks, man.
I do, man.
I love a psycho.
You know why?
Because the *** is great with a psycho, man.
It has to be,
otherwise you wouldn't put up with that psycho *.
And I know it's me.
It's not the women.
It's me,
because I'm attracted to that type of thing,
man.
I heard about this girl who beat her man to death with a shoe.
Yeah, yeah.
And they're like, oh, she's crazy.
I'm looking at her like,
ooh,
she must have been good.
Because you know that wasn't the first time she hit him with a shoe.
He was laying in bed like,
oh,
yeah,
we going to play the shoe game again.