I've been a nanny for about 10 years.
I love it a lot.
I'm working with a toddler right now.
Anybody here know a toddler?
Have we met one?
Make some noise, anybody?
Okay, so you know that every toddler
goes through a six to eight month period
where they're in love with poop and pee.
That's all they think about.
It's the funniest thing in the world to them, right?
So I come into work.
I haven't even set my bag down yet.
I haven't even had a sip of my coffee
when this little girl, her name's Brianna,
she'll lock eyes with me, right?
She's like, Miss Jamie,
sing me a song about something that's yucky.
And I'm like, Brianna, I'm an artist, okay?
I'm gonna need to put some time and thought
into the work I generate.
Like, I'm not just gonna make something up
for you on the spot like an animal, okay?
But then I remember that I'm also a Leo,
so I have to impress everyone,
including a four-year-old.
So five, six, seven, eight.
When my nose starts to run,
I don't ask for help at all.
I just pick my nose and I rub it on the wall.
I pick my nose and I rub it on the wall.
I pick my nose and I rub it on the wall.
Rub it on the wall.
Rub it on the wall.
And I personally think
that's the best song I've ever written.
Brianna was not impressed.
Brianna did not like it.
She looked back at me and she's like,
Miss Jamie, that's not yucky enough.
So I just got down to her level.
I looked her in the eyes.
I said, well, Brianna,
I once faked my grandmother's death
to get out of getting a man a blowjob
because it was easier than saying no.
We live in a society
where it's more acceptable for me
to manifest my sweet Donna's demise
than reject an adult man.
Is that yucky enough for you?
Brianna?
Just a little bit yuckier.
Just a little bit.
The father.
The father of the family that I nanny for
has recently started doing this thing, right,
where he does yoga stretches
in the front room
in tiny underwear
that every morning when I come in for work,
okay, and that's harassment.
Thank you.
It's harassment, right?
But I was talking to my friend about it.
I was like, I don't know who HR is in this situation.
You know?
Do I go to his wife?
Do I go to my agency?
Like, oh, what am I supposed to do?
And my friend just looked at me very honestly,
very sincerely, right?
And she said,
honey, no offense,
but I don't really think you're hot enough a nanny
to break up this marriage.
So now I have to break up this marriage.
Again, I'm glad you guys like that one.
That one can go really bad.
I was in, like, rural Ohio once.
Silence, okay?
Women just actively clutching their husbands,
glaring at me,
which I found so weird
because I was like,
please look at me, okay?
I'm not here to steal your husbands.
I'm here to steal your wives.
No, but I do think it's really important
when you're at a comedy show
to try to remember that, like,
the people on stage, we love doing this.
Like, this is our favorite thing to do, right?
Like, we are just telling you
these dumb little thoughts
from our silly little brain
because we want you to laugh
and have a great Thursday night.
Like, but I'm not standing on this rug
with this microphone in my hand.
I'm actually a very kind,
very decent lady, okay?
Like, I would never sleep,
I would never sleep with a married man
who's ugly, you know?
It's just not...
Something I would do.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
DJ, hit it.