Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, as the case may be.
One in five New Zealanders is mad, so says psychiatrist Fraser MacDonald.
But what is madness? And more to the point, what is a New Zealander?
The New Zealander values independence, but hates individualism.
He slacks on the job, but works like hell on his day off.
He likes to keep up with the play, but down with the Joneses.
And above all, the New Zealander doesn't believe in rocking the boat.
Quote, Aotearoa, the land of the long, white, silent majority.
Culture is rugby news, best bets and the beginner's guide to home brewing,
all nestling on top of the telly under a matching set of Brian Williams' boots cast in chrome.
For the New Zealander, wit is a two-finger gesture, a four-letter word, and a five-knuckle response.
It's the Kiwi's sense of humour that makes him unique.
Yeah, g'day. Is Trev there, please?
Oh, g'day, Mrs Burke. Yeah, it's Bruce here.
Bruce. Trev's friend, Bruce.
B-r-u-s-e.
Yeah. Is he there? Yeah, righto.
Yeah, g'day, Trev. Yeah, it's Bruce here, boy.
Bruce.
Yeah. How you going there, all right?
Story.
Yeah. Hey, what'd you get up to last night, boy?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I saw you weren't in the boozer.
Yeah, me? Well, talk about laugh, Trev.
Yeah, well, me and the boys went down to the boozer.
Yeah, you know the boys, don't you, Trev?
Yeah, and you know the boozer, Trev.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this cousin of Derek's down here for this big court case.
But, yeah, rape, I think he said, Trev.
Anyway, so we all got pissed, you see.
Then someone reckons there's this big party out Wainui there.
You know out Wainui there, don't you, Trev?
Yeah.
So, so we all get in the car, you see, Trev.
Well, talk about a crush, boy.
Yeah.
So, well, we get over the hill there, out to Wainui, get out to the show.
Look, in five minutes, boy, we tore the place apart.
Not a stick standing.
This cousin of Derek's boy, Christ, can he break things.
Oh, you know, doors, windows, bottles, glasses,
jugger's arms, bird's backs, no trouble.
Yeah.
So after we'd done a bit of damage, you see,
these, these juggers decided to throw us out.
What?
Yeah, probably queer, Trev.
Yeah, so anyway, they all come towards us, you see.
Well, this cousin of Derek's,
boy, he knocks out about eight of these queers,
whips outside for a quick chunder, because he's so pissed.
He comes back inside and bowls this queer's mother.
We'll talk about laughter, Trev.
Well, so they decide to call the cops, you see.
Well, this cousin of Derek's boy's already in a parachute with a cop, so,
so we decide to * off.
We all get in the car.
This cousin of Derek's boy, talk about drink piss.
You know that dozen I keep in the back of the car for getting
birds pissed.
What?
Well, that's got * all to do with it, Trev.
Yeah.
Anyway, this cousin of Derek's boy, he knocks the whole lot off in about ten minutes.
Yeah.
So then he wants to drive me car, Trev.
Yeah, we'll talk about big, Trev, and talk about strong.
Yeah, so I let him drive my car.
Yeah.
Well, we're coming down to Wainui Hill, Trev.
You know about halfway down there's this big corner?
Yeah, the one with the cliff, Trev.
Yeah, the one with the cliff, Trev.
So over we go, Trev.
We'll talk about blood, boy.
Yeah.
No, * never know how we got home.
Wouldn't have a clue.
Trev, what I actually wanted to know is, can I borrow your car tonight?
What do you mean, it's *?
Oh, Trev, I forgot to tell you.
I've sent this cousin of Derek's around to see you.
Yeah, righto.
We'll pick it up at half past seven.
See you soon.
See ya, Trev.