My dad is why I'm like this.
He, for a long time, he only had three daughters
and he had to pick one to raise as a son
and I'm the one he picked.
Thank you.
I remember when he was teaching me
how to deal with emotions.
He pulled me aside one day.
He was like, hey kiddo,
so whenever you're having a bad feeling,
what you're going to do is you're going to take that feeling,
you're going to get a six foot steel chain,
you're going to wrap it in that chain,
you're going to padlock it, okay?
You're going to get another six foot steel chain,
you wrap it in that chain,
you're going to padlock that.
You're going to take that double padlock emotion,
you're going to drop it into a boat, okay?
You're going to push that boat out into the ocean
Viking funeral style.
You're going to let it float so far away
that you can't even see it anymore, okay?
And that boat's not going to come back.
That feeling's not going to bust out
until six to eight months from now
when you're standing in line at the Home Depot, okay?
That's when you're going to completely
lose your * about whatever's bothering you.
My dad's also coincidentally a huge fan
of the Twilight franchise, do we know?
Yeah, Edward, Bella, Jacob, yeah, my boomer dad
thinks Kristen Stewart is the greatest actress of our time.
And I'm a good son, right?
So I was like, let's take him to see Breaking Dawn Part 2
for his birthday, right?
And we're in the car, we're on the way to go
when my mom is running a little behind, right?
She makes us like 20, 30, 45 minutes late to the movie
and I just see this boat coming back, right?
I see these chains, they're rumbling,
they're going to bust it.
I'm like, oh, it's not going to be Ted
at the Home Depot today, it's going to be my mom, right?
And she gets in the car, she buckles her seatbelt
and she decides she's going to address this tension
head on.
She looks my dad right in his eyes.
She says, Tom, honey, is everything okay?
And it's like, she puts a key in the padlock
and it all just busts off.
He's like, okay, Pam, is everything okay?
No, everything's not oh * K.
I've been waiting all * year
to see this * Twilight movie.
Okay.
We're going to be late.
And like, that's just why I think
we should hug our kids more.
You know, I think, I think we should hug them so tight
because if we don't, we run the risk of raising abusers
or school shooters or adult men screaming
about a teenage vampire movie.
You know, yikes.