Yeah, women will * ugly men, right?
Yeah, medium ugly.
You just said, yep, very loudly.
I hope your boyfriend's not here.
She's like, did last night.
I love that.
Good for you, okay?
Here's what, though.
We have to acknowledge as a society,
women are way hornier than men, okay?
Because we're willing to risk our lives for it.
But it's 100% true, right?
And I thought that this was just my theory at first,
but then I saw this article and I was like,
yes, this is confirming my theory.
So there was this man, he was in jail for murder, okay?
And then he got out when he was 77 years old.
And the article went on to say
that he murdered someone else
who was described in the article as his sexual partner.
And I was like, oh my God, that is so devastating
that he couldn't admit she was his girlfriend.
Do you know what I mean?
That is so sad.
This man is 77 years old
and he could only commit to murder, okay?
Like, I don't know.
This is crazy.
Like, what is he doing?
Yeah, I feel like true crime is definitely women's porn,
wouldn't we say so?
I watch a lot of true crime.
I look like the type of person who would,
and it's true.
I am a cliche, okay?
I watch a lot of true crime,
and I feel like it's the same
as men's porn in the sense that, like,
we get super desensitized to it
the same way that men do to real porn.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, all my guy friends will be like,
I don't need anything crazy in my porn, okay?
It just has to be like, I don't know,
Filipino woman rides in on a horse.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's being chased by Rottweilers.
It's like a childhood thing.
Don't worry about it.
She's riding into a medieval town to scissor a midget.
Midget is still the PC term there.
I'm like, what the * is going on?
What is happening?
What is happening here?
But then I do the same thing with my true crime searches.
If it's just, like, husband murders wife,
I'm like, that's not going to get me off.
That's not going to get the juices flowing,
you know what I mean?
I need something like,
creepy adopted stepson murders his entire family.
I'm like, okay.
The police were involved.
Season two, talk dirty to me.
I watch a show called I Survived.
Does anybody watch the show?
I feel like nobody's heard of the show.
Only you?
Okay, some people have heard the show.
Great.
I love the show.
It's exactly what it sounds like.
People get into crazy situations, survive them,
come back, tell the tale on the show.
And it goes one of two ways, okay?
If a man is telling the show, it'll be like,
my wife told me not to go sailing.
The Weather Channel told me not to go sailing.
Coast Guard told me not to go sailing.
It was Hurricane Katrina.
I still went sailing.
And you're like, what the *?
Like, every man's story is like,
I've never seen snow before, but I went heli-skiing.
You're like, what is happening right now?
But the woman's stories, they are complete opposite.
They're just like, it was a normal day.
I was driving home from work,
pulled into my driveway to my husband.
Like, I was going on a date with my husband.
Like, that's how they all start.
And then I saw one,
there was like this pattern for 10 episodes in a row.
And then I saw one that was going a different direction
where this woman was like,
like, I was on a girl's trip in the Bahamas
and we were going off-resort.
I was like, okay, this is interesting.
And it was like, we heard some rustling in the bushes
and out popped my husband.
I was like,
can't get away from these * guys.
When you learn good things in those shows,
like in I Survived, they tell you,
if you ever get kidnapped, you should * your pants.
I'm serious.
This is just good tips.
I'm serious.
You should just * your pants.
And then they,
and then maybe they'll drop you off.
But I'm just watching this.
I was like, okay,
but what if I'm kidnapped by Vince McMahon?
You know what I mean?
Like, he would love that.
He'd be like, I'm going to kidnap you even harder.
You're doing well.