Because little boys are savages.
I have three little boys.
Each of them has head-butted me for no reason at all.
Oh, well, we are in church, okay.
It's different.
When you have a daughter, you have thoughts like,
maybe I should save for med school.
When you have a son, you're like,
there's going to be a couple rounds of rehab.
That's okay.
I have three boys, two girls.
I have enough kids where even Mormons are like,
you should settle down.
I travel with my kids.
My two youngest are three- and five-year-old boys.
And traveling with boys that age
is like transferring serial killers between prisons.
We've seen the movie.
You know it doesn't work out.
My three-year-old, I love him,
but he's eternally in a bad mood.
He always has a look on his face
like he's going to,
shiv you with a crayon,
or he's pooping.
And sometimes it's both.
And our five-year-old, he's an escape artist.
He's the El Chapo of children.
You just put him down and he runs.
And then I have to pay my 12-year-old to go get him.
Sometimes she can't find him,
and I'm forced to stand up
and look for my own child.
Sometimes I can't find him.
I mean, you always find the kid
the joke doesn't end with,
no, I got four kids, you know.
You find the kid.
They're with a security guard.
They're always with a security guard.
That's an awkward approach
because I'm with my four other kids.
I look like a moving diorama for birth control.
It doesn't help that I'm usually eating something.
It's hard to seem concerned
about your child's whereabouts.
Holding a corn dog.
Oh, there he is.
Now, where's mustard?
But that's parenting.
It's stressful.
Parenting is a sacrifice.
It's exhausting.
It's expensive.
At times, it feels thankless.
But eventually, you die.
My wife hates that joke.
My wife hates that joke.
And in full disclosure,
she does 90% of the work.
And the 10% I do
feels like too much.
I'm getting ripped off.
10% of five kids,
that means I'm in charge of one kid
for like half a day.
I'm like a single mom.
That's a joke where the audience thinks,
maybe Jim is a dick.
But my wife is amazing.
Even in the most stressful moments,
I will catch her looking,
looking at me with an expression
that could only be described as regret.
But she's Catholic,
so there's no quitting the team.
Thank you, Jesus.