7 o'clock in the evening, watching something stupid on TV I'm zoned out on the sofa, when my wife comes in the room and sees me And she says, is this behind the music with Leonard Skynard? And I say, I don't know, say it's getting late, what you wanna do for dinner? She says, I kinda had a big lunch, so I'm not super hungry I said, well you know baby, I'm not starving either, but I could eat She says, so what do you have in mind? I said, I don't know, what about you? She says, I don't care if you're hungry, let's eat I said, that's what we're gonna do, but first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for And she says, let me think, what's left in our refrigerator? I said, well there's tuna I know, she said that went bad a week ago I said, is the chili okay? She said, you finished that yesterday I hopped up and said, I don't know, do you wanna get something delivered? She's like, why would I wanna eat liver? I don't even like liver I'm like, no, I said delivered She's like, I heard you say liver I'm like, I should know what I said She's like, whatever, I just don't want any liver Well I was gonna say something, but my cell phone started to ring Now who could be calling me? Well I checked my caller ID It was just Cousin Larry calling for the third time today My wife said, let it go to voicemail I said, okay, where were we? Oh, dinner, right, so what do you wanna do? She says, why don't you whip up something in the kitchen? Yeah, I said, why don't you? And then she says, baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please? I says, no, she says, yes I says, no, she says, yes I says, no, she says, yes Oh, here's your keys I step a little bit closer Say, okay, where you wanna go? She says, how about the Ivy? I said, yeah, well, I don't know I don't feel like getting all dressed up and eating expensive food She says, Olive Garden? I say, nah, I'm not in the mood And Burrito King would make me gassy, there's no doubt She says, just forget about it I said, no, I swear I'm gonna take you out Then I get an idea I say, I know what we'll do She says, what? I say, yes She says, what? I say, we're going to the drive-thru So we head out the front door Open the garage door Then I open the car doors And we get in those car doors Put my key in the ignition And then I turn it sideways Then we fasten our seatbelts As we pull out the driveway Then we drive to the drive-thru Heading off to the drive-thru We're approaching the drive-thru Getting close to the drive-thru Almost there at the drive-thru Now we're here at the drive-thru Here in line at the drive-thru Did I mention the drive-thru? Well, here we are in the drive-thru line Me and her Cars in front of us, cars in back of us All just waiting to order There's some idiot in a Volvo With his brights on behind me I lean out the window and scream Hey, what you trying to do, blind me? My wife says, maybe we should park We could just go eat inside I said, I'm wearing bunny slippers So I ain't leaving this ride Now a woman on a speaker box Is saying, can I take your order, please? I said, yes indeed, you certainly can We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese Then my wife says, baby Hold on, I've changed my mind I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time I said, you always get a cheeseburger She says, that's not what I'm hungry for I put my head in my hands and scream I don't know who you are anymore The voice on the speaker says, I don't have all day I said, then take our order And we'll be on our way I wanna get a chicken sandwich And I want a cheeseburger too She's like, you want onions on that? I'm like, yeah, I already said that I do Plus we need curly fries And don't you dare forget it And two medium root beers No, just one, we'll split it Then I said, I'm guessing that you're probably not too bright So read me back my order Let's make sure you got it right She says, one, you want a chicken sandwich Two, you want a cheeseburger Three, curly fries and a large root beer Stop, don't go no further I never ordered a large root beer I said, medium, not large Then she says, we're having a special I supersized you at no charge Oh, oh, and that's all I could say was oh And she says, now there's something else That I really think you should know You can have unlimited refills For just a quarter more I said, great, except we're in the drive-thru So what would I want that for? Then she says, wait a minute Your voice sounds so familiar Hey, is this Paul? And my wife is all like, no, that ain't Paul Now tell me, who's this Paul? She says, oh, he's just some guy Who goes to school with me I sat behind him last year And I copied off of him in geometry I said, I know a guy named Paul He used to be my plumber He was prematurely bald Then he moved to Pittsburgh last summer He also had bladder problems And a really bad infection on his toe And she says, Mr. Please, you can stop right then That's way more than I needed to know And then we both were quiet And things got real intense And then she says, next window Please, that'll be five dollars and eighty-two cents So we inched ahead in line Oh, but painfully slow I got a little bored so I turned on the radio Click, turned it off Because my wife was getting a headache So we both just sat there quietly for her sake Then I looked at her And she looked back at me And I said, um, I think you have something in your teeth She turned away from me And then turned back and said, did I get it? I said, yeah, well, I mean, most of it But hey, you know, don't sweat it Then she said, how about now? I said, yeah, almost There's still a little bit there, but don't worry It's probably just a piece of toast Now we're at the pay window Or whatever you call it Put my hand in my pocket I can't believe there's no wallet And the lady at the window's like Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty-two I turn around to my wife And say, how much have you got on you? She just rolls her eyes And says, I'll pay for this, I guess So she reaches into her purse And busts out the American Express I hand it to the lady And she says, oh, dear It's gotta be cash only We don't take credit cards here I took back the card And said, she really, well, that sucks And that's when I found out My wife was only carrying three bucks I said, I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today She says, I never got around to it So where's your wallet anyway? And I said, never mind Just help me to find some change Now the lady at the window's looking at me kind of strange And she says, mister, please We gotta move this line along I said, now hold your stinking horses, lady We won't be long So I looked around inside the glove box And checked the mat beneath my feet I found a nickel and an ashtray And a couple pennies and a dime In the space between the seats Before long I had a little pile Of coins of every sort The lady counts it up and says You're still about a dollar short And now my woman's got this weird look Frozen on her face She screams, you know, I wasn't even really hungry in the first place And so I turned around To the cashier again I shrugged and said, okay Forget the chicken sandwich then So I pick up my change Pick up my receipt And I drive to the pickup window Man, I just can't wait to eat And now we see this acne-ridden kid about sixteen Wearing a dorky name tag that says Hello, my name is Eugene And he hands me a paper bag I look him in the eyes And I say to him, hey, Eugene Could I get some ketchup for my fries? Well, he looks at me And I look at him And he looks at me And I look at him And he looks at me And I look at him And he says, I'm sorry What did you want again? I say ketchup And he says, oh yeah, that's right I just spaced out there for a second I'm really kind of burnt tonight And then he hands me the ketchup And now we're finally driving away And the food is driving me mad With its intoxicating bouquet I'm starving to death by the time We pull up at the traffic light I say, baby, give me that burger I just gotta have a bite So she reaches in the bag And pulls out the burger And she hands me the burger And I pick up the burger And then I unwrap the paper I bite into those buns And I just can't believe it They forgot the onions