Dr. Demento! Dr. Demento! Dr. Demento!
Well, here's Ivor Biggin and the D-Cups on the Dr. Demento Show.
I always have been handy, I did a bit of do-it-myself
Until it knackered my eyesight and compromised my health
Then a geezer popped his napper over the garden wall
Good day, he said, my name is Ted, can I be of any help at all?
Well, I should have said, no tar, no thanks, no props
But instead I told him all my little jobs
And now he's round my house as soon as I walk out my door
Ripping my missus's drawers out and banging on the bedroom floor
He's too ag-ted from Birkenhead, the randy handyman
He walks in when I walk out and does a bloody sight better than ever I can
But a lady says, I'm desperate and only your spanner will do
Oh, Ted, he seems to understand
He bops round at their command
With his nuts held tightly in his hand
Ruff, ruff, hammer, hammer, bang, through
Oh, Ted, Ted, stop it!
Erm, you don't suppose he's messing my old woman around, do you?
Oh, Ted, you're Ted!
Where does he get the energy?
How can he manage it all?
He flashes all around the chimney
He hammers up and down the hall
If a lady's got a problem that's been troubling her all day
An expert prod with his dino rod and the problem goes away
Oh, Ted, you're Ted!
Mrs. Brown, she called him on the phone
Oh, please come round
My husband's not at home
He rearranged her portico and banged her beam all day
Stripping her chimney breast out and sticking in his RSJ
He's too ag-ted from Birkenhead, the randy handyman
No job too big, no job too small
He'll be there whenever he can
And if a damsel in distress says
What am I to do?
He services her every need
With charm, discretion, tact and speed
And satisfaction guaranteed
Ruff, ruff, hammer, hammer, bang, screw
Look at that easy action
Look at that grace and style
As a general rule, his expert tool makes all the ladies smile
He's pulling out his plunger and pumping fit to burst
In the capable hands of Toolbag Ted, the customer comes first
Oh, Ted!
Erm, you know, I have got a nasty feeling
He might be messing my old woman around
This merry Merseysider is always making house calls
The ladies ring his number and this randy handy scouse calls
Some husbands do not like it when he does what he does best
But most let him get on with it, they're grateful for the rest
And aren't you glad when an expert comes to call
And sorts out your old boiler and doesn't charge at all
And in her darkest corners he will make a final stand
Halfway up her skirt he will be stocked up in his hand
Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handyman
A knight in shining overalls, he'll be there whenever he can
He never leaves the job half done and he always sees it through
A set of drawers might need an order
What's it needs a thing to be bought
In fact, he's always on the job
Ruff, ruff, hammer, hammer, bang, screw
Ted!
You know, he is, he's messing my old woman around
Ted!
This dirty ***-man's *
Ted!
I'll have him, I'll tear him limb from limb
I'll bend his pipe, I'll wipe it
I'll give him a pocket, take away his name
Yes, Ted, you *
I'll ruin your life
I'll ruin your life