Poop.
I had a terribly embarrassing thing.
Can I tell you a quick story?
I'm going to deviate for a second here.
Does anybody work in an office?
Does anybody work in a...
You do?
You have to share a bathroom with people?
Is that not the worst * thing?
So by day, I write for a TV show.
And I had to pee.
And I went to the bathroom.
And while I was standing at the urinal,
I * my ass.
Do you know what that means?
Huh?
A thought thought?
I feel like that's something you made up with your kid.
That's not a real thing, right?
Thought thought.
Oh, you did a little thought thought, Timmy.
It's okay.
We all do thought thoughts.
I don't know what the * that is.
The difference between shitting your ass and shitting your pants
is it never hits your pants.
It's just that you think you're going to fart and you * a little.
But you still have to do something about it.
You can't...
Oh, okay.
False alarm.
And then go on.
So I was by myself, luckily, in the bathroom.
And I'm at the urinal.
So I kind of had to, like, waddle walk.
Like...
To the stall.
And I went in there.
And 15 minutes, I think, I was in there.
16 minutes.
No phone.
Yeah, have you tried that lately?
No.
We're such robots.
That's like an asthmatic kid without his inhaler.
We're like, where is it?
Oh, my God.
Panic mode.
I can't...
I read the inside of my sneakers a bunch.
You know what?
It's not even the type of floor
where you can, like, make images out of the dots on the ground.
It's just a plain floor.
I know we've all done that.
I'm like, that looks like a star.
And that looks like my dad.
I was just stuck there with my thoughts.
It was brutal.
Until a kid came and sat next to me.
And I'm like, dude, read me some tweets.
Hurry up.
You better get on that.
And I finished up.
And this is the worst part.
This is the worst part.
I don't like pooping in a public...
Nobody does, right?
I mean, that's not something...
I can't wait to go out and * in public today.
But I had to...
I'm always worried about my pee hole
hitting the front of the seat.
Call me gross.
I call it germaphobic.
Whatever.
You guys think about that a little bit, right?
I mean, you don't want that.
So I tried to...
I was all discombobulated
and I tried to move everything out of the way.
And for some reason, I went to wipe from the front.
Like a woman.
And I don't know why.
But I, like, two-finger, like, holy water dish
dipped my fingers.
I know.
In my own poopy water.
And that's what they call a think-think, everybody.
That's what they call a think-think.
Thank you.