I bought it on
a Tuesday in October
Small jeweler downtown,
rain tapping the window like you knew
The guy wrapped it in midnight blue velvet
Said she's gonna cry happy tears
I smile like a man who still believe in guarantees
Practice the words in the car mirror every red light
Marry me not just for Christmas but for all the days after
I had the rooftop pic,
fairy lights,
snow,
our song on a speaker
December 24th, 8pm,
I even asked your dad
Funny how forever can fit in one tiny
box and still be too heavy to carry along
This is the Christmas proposal that never happened
Because you packed your life in November and drove away
I still walk around with a ring in my coat
Like a bullet I'm too scared to take out
Every carol sounds like it's laughing at me
Every happy couple looks like a crime scene
I was gonna give you forever all I need
But you gave me silence and I gave the ring nothing
Not even a finger,
not even a chance
Reunion every engaged girl's left in Diamond
flashes like accusations on the subway
I cooked for one on Christmas Eve Set
two plates out of habit and stared at
the empty chair Until the food went cold and the tears went
hot Your mom texted, are you okay?
I tie it back,
yeah,
just tired The light glow brighter than the tree
I still have the reservation Table for two at the rooftop bar
They called yesterday to confirm
my lettering
Velvet box sits in the top drawer
Next to the future, they got a return to sender
This is the Christmas proposal that never happened
The one that died somewhere between I love you and goodbye
I practiced your yes in a hundred different
eras But never got to say the question out loud
Now the ring just learns new ways to bruise me
Every time my hand brushes the pocket I can't empty
I was ready to give you my whole life in one breath
You took it anyway,
just not the way I planned
Midnight mass bells ring like they're mocking
I kneel in the back row, fist closed around
metal and regret Ask God if he can rewind two months or at
least teach me how to unclench He stays quiet,
so do I
Except for the part of me screaming inside the velvet
Choose me, choose me, choose me
This is the Christmas I carry in my coat lining
A ring you'll never see,
a question you'll never hear
I still walk past that rooftop sometimes
Look up at the fairy lights,
I never got to watch it say yes
Maybe next year I'll sell it,
maybe next year I'll stop reaching
for the pocket But tonight the box stays closed
And my heart stays open
Bleeding tinsel in almost
On the Christmas that never happened Snow
falls soft on streets full of new beginnings
I stand under the same streetlight where I planned to kiss my fiancé
Hands in pockets,
ring against heartbeat Counting down to a moment that arrives
And lives without me