Upon one Friday evening,
when me weekly work was done,
I thought I'd spend the evening in and have some quiet fun.
I'd spend the evening quietly,
living the homely life,
With a packet of fags,
a pint of beer,
the telly and me wife.
We switched on the Avengers and got cosy on the floor,
When all of a sudden a...
sound did at the door.
I went to answer it,
the bloke stood on the mat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what he had at.
Behind me stood an army that overflowed the hall,
In uniforms,
in civvies,
in suits and overall,
With briefcases,
with torches,
with truncheons and notebooks.
They stood there wearing the doormat out and giving me dirty looks.
There were policemen,
there were bailiffs,
the gas and electric too,
The Department of Health and the Post Office and the Inland Revenue.
The Customs and the Council and a thousand more beside,
They chanted all in unison,
do you mind if we step inside?
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you had.
So I stepped aside and let them pass with a sense of gathering gloom,
But they swarmed across me doorstep and pilled me sitting room.
Me wife was fricking speechless,
both with horror and with rage,
When a vice ward off the ball did her,
I must say,
you underage,
have you been up to anything wrong?
Is this a disorderly house?
Are you a juvenile delinquent or a lawful wedded spouse?
I showed her birth certificate and her marriage aligned also,
And he grudgingly said,
all right,
mate,
this time we'll let you go.
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you had.
Now the drug squad bloke was snuffling round for heroin and ash,
Scraping out the ash trays and collecting all the ash,
And when he found me herbal fags he waved them all around,
A packet of certain substances,
just cannabis I'll be found.
His off-pussy,
the radio timed,
his eyes began to swell,
He cried with glee,
pornography with bitches in as well.
You've got any dirty postcards,
movie films or Danish books?
If you've got some really good one,
we might let you off the hook.
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you're at.
Yes,
then the tax inspector came a-sidling up to me,
About your scheduled due return for
1953. A social security bloke said,
hands off this one's mine,
Where's the stamp you didn't pay in 1949?
The water board chimed in as well,
me wife,
you died of shock,
You haven't paid your water rate,
mate,
we've come to stop your cock.
The gas and electricity were duty all at first,
Said,
wait your bloody day,
mate,
we've come to cut him off first.
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you're at.
The customs bloke was raving and a-raising up the roof,
He swore me all midwallop was daily 90 overproof.
The bailiffs grabbed me three piece wheat and tried to lug it out,
Till the CID prevented them by raising up a shout.
From information we've received we hear that he's a fence,
But how in the hell do we nick him if you nick the evidence?
Me head was going round and round,
me knees were weak as jelly,
When a post office bloke yelled,
hey mate,
is your licence for that,
ellie?
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you're at.
The chaos mounted rapidly,
I heard a voice that cried,
Excuse me,
sir,
is that your vehicle standing there outside?
Meanwhile me faithful watchdog,
ignoring all the roar,
Was lying,
catching bobby wings,
skipped up on the floor,
When a council bloke had spied him,
his beady eye lit up,
Excuse me,
sir,
I have to ask you of your licence for that cop.
The room spun round about me,
it was the final straw,
With a scream of terror and despair I painted on the floor.
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you're at.
When I woke a few minutes later,
I still could hear a scream,
Me wife was saying,
wake up,
you've had a nasty dream,
So I told her of me nightmare,
I was shaking still with fear,
But she only said,
cheer up,
love,
it could never happen here.
So we switched the telly off and made our way to bed,
When all of a sudden a knock
filled me up with dread,
And when I went to answer the door,
a bloke stood on the mat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you're at.
With a knock on the door and the night squad,
bratat,
bratat,
bratat,
With a knock on the door and the night
squad come to see just what you're at.