It is always a mystery to me how the women got on before the looking-glass was invented,
and indeed some of the men, if it went to that, they're often enough in front of it.
Well, the looking-glass was invented, and there was one man that was dull of the fact he was
living in an out-of-the-way place. There was an excursion, and he availed himself of the
lawfare to travel out, and when he got to the city, he went down the main street and into a big shop
where he saw a heap of these little shiny things up on the counter, little oblongs, you know, bigger
than a small cigarette box. So he took up one of the shiny things, and he put it that way in front
of his face, and he said, huh, picture of my father wherever they got it, and turning to the girl
inside the counter, he said, how much are these going for? Yeah, it was only a trifle. So he bought
what he thought was a picture of his father, and he put it into his pocket.
And every opportunity he got, he'd take that out and admire his father's picture, a man he had
great respect for, and that was dead for some time. And he says to the girl, where did you buy
these? And she said, they came from London. Oh, London, he said, my father was never in London.
Maybe he passed through London on his way to heaven. Well, he brought home the picture of his
father, but he was very careful not to let his wife see it, for indeed she didn't have the same
respect for him. And he said, well, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't
respect for the father-in-law. Which of them have? Well, curiosity was killing her, for she saw him
going to the pocket and taking out this, whatever it was, and admiring it. One day, her chance came,
what happened, but a neighbour's chimney to go on fire, and her husband, when he heard all the
hilly-bow-herk, he ran out and forgot to take his coat. He was no sooner gone than her ladyship
dived into the inside pocket and took out the looking-glass and put it up in front of her face
and said, who's this old hairpin? And indeed, wherever he met her, she is no great shakes.
I can tell you, if that's what's drying him off into the cities, I'll soon put a haul to his gallop.
And she put the looking-glass back into his pocket and geared herself for battle,
and we all know what women can be in such a situation. Her husband came back after he had
done the good turn for the neighbour, and of course, she approached him.
Such a thing, she said. What are you doing with the picture of this other Dolly Varden inside in
your pocket? The man said, that's not a picture of any woman. He said, that's a picture of my father.
And she said, with a dress on him? Oh, she said, you'll hear more about this, putting on her hat
and coat and going over to the presbytery. Well, when she landed at the priest's house, Father John,
you could knock him down with a feather, for he said that he knew her husband very,
very well, that he was a nice, pious, quiet, devout man. God help your head, Father, she said.
He has me fooled up to the ball of my eye, and what's more, he has a picture of the strange
woman inside in his pocket. Oh, says Father John, that won't do. That'd be a nice headline to be
giving my congregation. I'll have to go to the house and reprimand him. So Father John and herself
came to the house, and Father John, when he lifted the latch, he said,
my good man, this is enough about this. Hand me out the picture of that strange woman you have
there inside in your pocket. Well, her husband, when he heard that, he was hoping that a hole
would come on the floor and swallow him. So he went over to the court, and he took out the looking
glass out of the pocket, and he handed it to Father John. And Father John, he put the looking
glass like that in front of his face, and when he saw who was looking out at him, he got a fit of
laughing. Who else does he?
The two of you would want to have your heads examined. Isn't that the parish priest that was
here before me?