Song: The Day My Pad Went Mad (Radio 1 Live Version) - John Cooper Clarke

I'm ankle deep in human waste
The toilet has been clogged
Marrowbone jelly all over the place
I don't even have a dog
The man upstairs he grabs my arm
Saying don't I know your dad
All I could hear were the fire alarms
The day my pad went mad

All I could hear were the fire alarms
The day my pad went mad
The kitchen has been ransacked
Ski trails in the hall
A chicken has been dhansaked
And thrown against the wall
In walks this dumb waiter
With a fountain pen and pad
Saying how do you want this alligator
The day my pad went mad

Saying how do you want this alligator
The day my pad went mad

The hamster had been slaugtered
The parrot bound and gagged
The guard dog had been sorted out
And absolutely shagged
The goldfish drowned, the cat was found
Kicked around and stabbed
The radio did not make a sound
The day my pad went mad

The radio did not make a sound
The day my pad went mad

The pop-up toaster refused to pop
The chandelier was smashed
The starter motor would not stop
The tyres had been slashed
There was no way out of there
I was stuck with what I had
Out of order, beyond repair
The day my pad went mad

Out of order, beyond repair
The day my pad went mad

Yesterday I had the place rewired
And slung out all of my junk
A tumble dryer and a two bar fire
And a telephone now defunct
I peeped through the venetian blinds
And the rain fell down so sad
On the broken home I left behind
The day my pad went mad

On the broken home I left behind
The day my pad went mad