This is the point in the show
where I usually think about
what I'm going to eat afterwards.
I typically get a steak
because I'm a man.
And I tell you,
if eating steak is manly,
it is the only manly attribute I have.
I know nothing about cars.
I'm not handy.
I can't fix things.
Something breaks in our apartment,
I just look at my wife like,
we should call someone.
I don't even call my wife calls.
Some stranger comes over,
I just kind of watch him work.
I'm like,
you want some brownies or something?
My wife could make us some brownies.
I don't know how to work the stove.
Sometimes I try and act like
I have something more important to do.
I'm like, yeah, I'm going to be over here
working on my diarrhea jokes.
In case you want to talk sports
or steak or something.
But I don't know why steak
is considered manly.
I guess it harkens back to when
a man would hunt the animal
and he would eat it.
Oh, they'd kill the animal
and then they'd eat the animal.
But now we just eat the animal.
And it's not as if hunting a cow
was ever that hard.
Today, fellas,
we are going to hunt ourselves
the elusive cow.
Oh, there's one right here.
All right.
How do you get the milkshakes
out of that tank?
But I do love steak.
I order steaks from Omaha Steaks.
Do you buy your meat online?
That's not a sign of a problem.
Just type it in.
A styrofoam cooler shows up.
The same kind of cooler
they're going to deliver
my replacement heart in.
There's always a neighbor
walking by when I get a delivery.
Like, Jim got another box of meat.
I imagine that apartment
will be free in a little bit.
Whenever I eat steak at home,
I always use A1 steak sauce.
Everyone has that same thin bottle of A1
that feels empty right before it floats.
You can't even flood your steak.
Everyone's had the same bottle of A1 since 1989.
I was looking at the ingredients.
Magic.
Magic and prunes.
But I love steak.
I love going to a steakhouse,
one of those old fashioned steakhouse.
You go in there, it's dimly lit.
The waiters are no nonsense.
You getting a steak, son?
You want a steak, right?
Yes, ma'am. I want a steak.
.
.
I've been to one of the steakhouse
where they show you the raw cuts of meat.
They just kind of thrust them at the table.
They're like, you can get this one.
Or this one.
And men were so visual.
That one, that one in my mouth area.
.
They likey meaty.
Sometimes they show you a vegetable
like you've never seen one.
This is a potato.
That's a potato.
But the vegetables in a steakhouse,
they don't come with the steak.
They're a la carte.
Like leg room on steak.
They're a la carte in the Southwest.
.
And they're not even called vegetables.
They're called side dishes.
Cause what they do to vegetables in steakhouses,
they're no longer vegetables.
.
You can get our spinach that we cooked in ice cream.
.
There's also our house specialty,
which is a baked potato stuffed with 20 sticks of butter.
.
If you're on a diet, we can do it 19 sticks.
.
But I love a steak.
When I die, I want to be buried in a steakhouse.
Well, not buried, just my casket on display.
And you know, people in steakhouse,
they wouldn't even care.
They'd be like, what's the deal with the casket?
Uh, that was a comedian.
His one wish, yeah, I'll have a ribeye.
.
Uh, coming right up, Mrs. Gaffigan.
.