Let's be clear about this, guys.
We're not going to agree on everything, okay?
But we should agree on this.
If you bring a baby into a movie theater,
you're a piece of *.
Yep.
If your reason for doing it
is that you couldn't get a babysitter,
well, then you don't get to go to the movies.
That's how that works.
It happened to me in back-to-back movies,
which statistically I did not think was possible.
First movie, I'm in there five minutes.
I'm watching the movie, and I hear,
what?
And I turn, and in the row behind me,
there's a mother, a father, and a baby.
Not a child, which I think is an important distinction.
It's a baby.
I'm like, all right, these people are insane.
I'll just ignore this.
Turn back.
30 seconds later.
And I'm like, well, now I have to say something.
Now, I'm polite.
So I turn, and I go, excuse me,
are you stabbing your baby right now?
Because it sounds like it.
And the dad goes, no, I love the baby.
You picture him, okay?
I love him, but no, he's my baby.
And I said,
well, could you?
Because I'm trying to watch this movie.
And your baby's ruining it.
And he was like, no, no puedo.
So I get up.
I go to the lobby.
I see the manager of the theater.
I go, hey, there's a * baby in there
being a baby right now.
And the manager goes, some people suck.
And he walked away.
That is the best customer service line
I've ever heard in my life.
Hands down.
You can't even get mad.
If you're in a restaurant,
you've been waiting on your food,
and you're like, hey, where the * is my food?
I've been here half an hour.
And the manager's like, some people suck.
You'd be like, oh, yeah, some people suck.
I didn't think about it.
My bad.
Sorry about that.
I left.
I left.
The next day,
I go back to the movies.
I should point out,
I saw a different movie.
It was also a different baby.
It's not the same family standing out front.
And then they see me,
and they're like, oh, there he is.
All right, let's go inside.
And ruin this for him again.
This time, I am way further into the movie.
I'm emotionally invested in this movie.
I like the movie.
And then, out of nowhere, I hear,
grrrr.
Grrrr.
This time,
I swear to you,
I audibly go,
nuh-uh.
And now,
other people get involved.
You know,
when you can hear somebody's age in their voice?
Like,
I can't see *.
It's a dark theater.
I just hear a guy go,
either make it quiet,
or get it out.
Oh.
That guy's 140 years old.
I'm like, I could hear that he'd never hugged his children.
I could hear it in his voice.
This time, the mother of the baby goes,
shut up.
And I was like, oh, *.
Like, we have a situation.
And then a third person goes, shh.

What are you doing?
Shush is passive-aggressive.
She said, shut up.
Just go straight to * you.
Like, what are you doing?
But now,
I wanted to be the hero and, like, save the movie.
You know, I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.
Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies.
But I didn't realize
I was too angry in that moment
to, um, what is it?
Speak English words in a sentence.
You know when you just get, like, real rage?
Like, like, you just...
Dude.
Like...
Like, you feel it.
Your throat dries out.
So, I stood up in the theater
with the best intentions, and I went,
why?
Because everybody's not in the adult movie.
Like, none of it made sense.
Everybody was like, who's that * guy?
What's his problem?
I was, I was trying to say,
let's be civilized adults.
But instead, I went, adult movie.
Porn's on now.
Cover your baby's eyes.
The next thing,
I see a white T-shirt pop up,
and I'm like, well, there's the dad.
Some of you got it.
And,
and,

he looked around, he was like, who's talking *?
And I was like, I'm talking *, bitch.
I didn't say it, but he knew it was up.
But then,
I went out the exit immediately,
because I'm not getting my ass kicked over the Lego movie.
So, I left.
And I was like, I'm not getting my ass kicked over.