I love the beer here.
I love all this amazing...
Yeah, it's good.
You guys sucking down
some super double triple hoppy
mega douches douches IPAs
with some super triple hops
and an extra ganja *.
What a weird hangover, huh?
Man, I feel like I got * attacked
by a bag of leaves in the morning.
That *'ll kill you.
I gotta take a Claritin
before I drink beers now.
I wake up in the morning
after drinking like six *
heady toppers and I feel like
somebody blew a handful of pet dander
right into my mouth.
I'm like, did I make love
to a lawnmower last night?
Ah, but it's citra hopped brown
with * ale and sunshine
and whatever.
Whatever.
Nine dollars for * beer.
Just give it to me.
It's crazy, right?
I'm trying to ease up on the alcohol.
I like it a lot.
I'm a big boozer.
But every now and then
you just gotta reel it in, you know,
just to make sure you got it under wraps.
I love booze a lot.
To me, booze is like a nice cozy warm tub
and life is just a cold icy shitty day.
You know, like, when you're in the tub
you don't feel it.
Right?
You just watch the wind blow out the window.
But the problem is
that sometimes when I'm in the tub
I say mean * to women
and hit things with my car
so I gotta stay out of the tub
for society, you know?
I'm just sick of waking up
and like not knowing where I am
and who I have to apologize to
and I don't know if you guys have done this
but I get very dedicated to my evenings, you know?
I woke up next to a girl one time
no idea who she was or how I met her
and I looked up at her ceiling
and she just had wires hanging out of her ceiling
and I look over to her and I'm like
what happened to your ceiling fan?
And she gives me this look and she's like
you don't remember what happened last night?
But that sentence never ends well.
Like, that's not a nice...
It's never like, oh, you came over hammer
you'd folded all my laundry and wrote a poem.
It was amazing.
You're so romantic.
Normally it's like, oh, I'm so sorry.
It's like, dude, you pissed in my fish tank.
That was a new beta.
We didn't even name her.
She goes, you woke up in the middle of the night
and you said it was hot
so you stood on the bed
and tried to start the ceiling fan
and when it wouldn't start
you got mad and ripped it off the ceiling
and threw it.
And I look over and there's like a pile
of Hampton Bay parts and chains
and I was like, oh my God,
I'm so sorry.
You want to know the cutest part?
She goes, it's all right.
Maybe after breakfast you can fix the fan.
I was like, oh, you're new at this.
Aww.
How adorable.
This normally doesn't come with breakfast.
I haven't even fixed my girlfriend's fan.
You might want to call an uncle
or Angie's List.
That's why I got to stay.
I don't know how to fix a fan.
Drunk driving's terrible.
I don't recommend it.
But we've all kind of,
we've all done it.
And if the right song comes on,
it's pretty * awesome, right?
Can we all agree?
You get the right jam,
you're getting home safe.
You got a favorite
drunk driving song?
A lot of good ones, right?
You'll love this then.
I was, I'm at a bar
getting smashed watching football
and I'm parked in the parking garage
right next door.
And after the game ends,
I wobble up to my car.
I'm hammered.
Shouldn't have been driving,
but I get in,
turn it on,
and I'm like,
man, Van Halen's
Hot for Teacher comes on.
Probably one of the greatest
songs of all time.
If you don't know it,
it's got this dynamite drum solo
in the beginning.
And not to brag,
I'm pretty * great
at air drums.
I crush.
And in my drunken haze,
the dashboard of my Saturn
just turned into
this beautiful kit.
Just glistening cymbals
and I just start
with the double bass pedal.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And I'm hitting,
and rolls,
and fills.
And I lit a cigarette
and I'm pointing to the crowd.
I'm looking at my guitar player
like, * rock.
I'm just killing this *.
I put my car into first
and directly into a brick wall.
Just smashed.
Nailed a wall.
I'm like, *.
And I shake it off,
finish the solo.
I had to finish the solo.
I'm like,
hi-hat.
Back right into the spot
that I was in
and I look around
and I'm like,
*, nobody saw this.
I'm gonna get away with it.
I'm gonna get away with it.
And I put a piece of gum
in my mouth.
I looked in the mirror,
straightened myself up.
I got out of the car,
bumper hanging off,
antifreeze just pouring everywhere.
I walked down the runway
to the guy working
in the little box
and I'm like,
do you guys have cameras in here?
And he goes, no.
And I'm like,
well, you're in trouble
because some motherfucker
destroyed my car, dude.
You get your boss
on the phone now.
I'm gonna own this *.
You're working for me.

You're working for me now.
Dude looks at me
and he goes,
I just watched you run directly
into that brick wall, dude.
He's like,
all right, you got me.
Did you happen to catch that solo?
I kind of nailed it.
That was,
that was how for teacher.
Yeah.