When society ladies ask me to tea
Oh, what a letdown I must be
They think I'm a star, how wrong they are
Cos I'm no one, no one but me
When society ladies ask me to dine
They're thrilled by eight and bored by nine
They know something's wrong, I'm not like the song
Cos I'm no one, no one but me
They ask me to play the piano
Which, for my information,'s an heirloom
The polish is stunning, the gold plate, it is running
And invariably I'm a star, how wrong they are
When society ladies show me to their friends
They kiss my cheek, but that's where it ends
For although I'm a name, it's not quite the same
Cos I'm no one, no one but me
I once fell in love with a girl from Rodin
She was terribly cool, I was frightfully keen
I tried all me numbers to get up her jumpers
But nothing, nothing
I tried all me numbers to get up her jumpers
But nothing, nothing for me
I was once asked to play at a debutante's ball
She said I was sweet, which means nothing at all
I asked her to dance, but I knew at a glance
I was no one, no one but me
They try very hard to be down to earth
And talk about things I should never do
No, but after a time
They succumb to their wine
And their breeding begins to show
When society ladies ask me to lunch
I'm very honoured, but here comes the crunch
They've heard I was seen with their daughter last night
And they'd like to pop me gently right
And they'd like to pop me gently right
Although I am kind and unusually bright
I'll never be Mark Phillips
Try as I might
Cause I'm no one, no one but me