Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura!
What up?
Thank you!
Thank you, guys.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be in Seattle.
Yes.
One of my favorite places, and I am * falling apart.
All right?
I hate who I'm becoming socially.
Like, all my social interactions, I'm disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.
Like, I start weather-trapping.
I'm in chats with people all the time now.
Like, ugh.
I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport, I was like,
ah, it rains a lot here, huh?
And I swear, there's another voice in my head at the same time going,
you're a piece of * for this conversation.
Because, like, what's the guy supposed to say?
You know, he's in the car.
He's like, yeah.
It does.
It does.
And you're real.
You're a piece of * for this, just so you know.
And I wanted to abort.
Like, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.
I was like, I'm from Southern California.
We should could use it.
And he was like, I'll run us off the * road.
Like, I'll kill us both.
I swear to God, I will.
God forbid I meet a tall person now.
Like, if you're over 6'4", there's no way I'm not addressing it.
Like, I'm going to be like, wow, you're tall.
Do you like basketball?
Yeah.
I have a friend that's tall.
Dude, you just told a grown man you have a * friend that's tall.
Like, what's next?
Like, my dad's super strong.
I bet he's stronger than your dad.
It's better than my dad's actual small talk, which is awkwardly racial small talk.
It's not racist, but it involves race.
And, like, we're at a restaurant, and, you know, the server walks up, and she's Asian.
My dad will be like, you Chinese?
And she's like, no, I'm Korean.
He goes, oh, I was in Vietnam.
And I'm like, what are you doing?
What?
I was.
I was.
I know.
What does that have to do with anything?
And then he goes, a lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean, buddy.
I'm like, oh, man.
Well, yeah, no, we're just two Diet Cokes.
We're going to wrap it up pretty quick.
So, dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the * down, okay?
Because it's going to get weird.
Like, dude, I see it.
A black guy starts talking to us, and my dad will be like, oh.
I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.
And I'm like, how weird are you about to be with him?
He looks like a dog when you show a dog a treat, and you're like, sit still.
And the dog's like.
I work with a black guy.
Oh, man.
Yeah, Carl, you know him?
I don't know.
Thought you guys knew each other.
I don't know.
Well, I don't know him.
He works in the building.
You know what I mean.
I'm like, *.
Jesus.
*.