Thank you for being here tonight, by the way.
Thank you.
This is my fifth hour special.
I have one for each of my five children.
So hopefully this is the last one.
It's beautiful here.
I hope you had a nice summer,
because there's pressure to enjoy summer, right?
I'm from the Midwest.
It's almost a panic.
Go out there, have fun.
Winter's coming to kill us.
Go get skin cancer now!
Because there's an expectation of fun during summer.
In winter, we discuss summer with such reverence.
In January, you'd think we were talking
about a family pet that passed away.
Remember summer?
I miss summer.
I have photos of summer.
That's when we were a happy family.
Summer's presented as a vacation.
It's like a three-month vacation
for nobody but children.
And who doesn't deserve a few months off
after the rigors of kindergarten?
I have five young children.
During summer, they lounge around
like they've just returned from fighting ISIS.
Third grade was a beast.
Summer vacation does kind of set up
an adulthood of disappointment.
That first job, you're like,
I have to go to work in July?
What is this, Russia?
There's a strange pressure to travel during summer.
Are you going somewhere this summer?
Why do I have to go somewhere?
Well, we lived here during the horrible weather.
Now that it's nice, we should go somewhere else.
That makes no sense.
And winter is some horrible weather, right?
We're never ready for it.
We're never ready for the seasons to change.
Even in October, we're caught off guard.
We're like, hmm, it's getting cold.
What is this, every year now?
We're not angry.
In February, people are angry about the weather.
We want to blame someone.
We're like, it's freezing, Obama.
It's that darn Obamacare.
You know, Obamacare be 72 degrees out there.
There's always a couple guys
that don't care about the cold, right?
They're like, what is it, two degrees out there?
That's nothing.
I went golfing.
I'm wearing shorts because I'm a dick.
Those are the people that go swimming outside
on New Year's Day.
Don't you secretly want them to die?
Not all of them, but you watch the news like,
not one fatality, huh?
But I should be used to it.
I'm from the Midwest.
All the memories of my childhood,
it was always winter.
It was winter when I was walking through slush
past mounds of snow.
When I was in high school,
I saw a photograph of Siberia
where Stalin would send Russian prisoners.
It looked exactly like my hometown.
Is that my bike?
That's my bike!
I asked my dad, I was like,
why do we have to go to Siberia?
Why do we live here?
Why would you stay?
And he's like, well, you know,
these severe winters,
they really make you appreciate summer.
It was at that point that I realized
he was an alcoholic.
Oh, you're just drunk all the time.
It's pretty warm for me always.
As a kid, I used to imagine
people were tricked to move to the Midwest.
They were on the East Coast
in a covered wagon 200 years ago.
Someone was like, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
Oh, we're going out West.
We're going to go out West.
West, huh?
Have you thought of the Midwest?
Midwest?
Yeah, it's like the West, but it's closer.
Tell you what, do you like amber waves of grain?
No, I have celiac disease.
Well, how about lakes?
Everyone likes lakes.
Lakes in the Midwest are good.
In fact, they're great lakes.
One of them's superior.
I'm not going there.
But I do love the Midwest.
Every Christmas, I go to Milwaukee.
I love telling my friends in California
that I go to Wisconsin in December.
They're like, oh, no, no.
Don't go there.
Like, that's where my wife's family's from.
Oh, you should get a new wife.
All I do in Wisconsin is eat cheese.
I know it's a cliche, but in Wisconsin,
it's like they're trying to get rid of it.
Oh, hey, you want some cheese?
Uh, I just woke up.
That's a yeah, right?
Have you ever eaten so much cheese,
you think, I may never use the bathroom again?
People on the East Coast think that's weird.
In the Midwest, that's Monday.
But it's the weather.
That's why we eat the way we do.
We're just like, ah, it's still winter.
Ah, it's summer.
But I'm on a roll.
It's not always winter.
There's spring.
People love spring.
That's a fun day.
What a lie spring is, right?
How do you spend the entire spring
waiting for it to be spring, right?
You're like, is it spring?
No, it's snowing.
Next day, you're like, is it spring?
No, it's 90 degrees.
I guess we miss those tiny white flowers.
Fall, people love fall.
It's my favorite season.
It's not a competition.
My favorite season that I'm voting for
in America's next top season is fall.
People that love fall, they go crazy for the foliage.
They're like, ah, the foliage!
Let's try it!
Let's do it, let's do it.
Let's try it!









It's so beautiful the way the leaves die.
They're so pretty right before they fall to their death.
We think it's beautiful.
It's the leaves hospice.
It also helps that the leaves can't talk.
If they could talk, they'd be like, ah!
Give me chlorophyll!
Why are these people driving by and smiling at me?
You monsters!
We're rather insensitive to the leaves' tragedy.
They die, they fall to the ground, we just rake them up.
Kids, you want to jump on this pile of dead leaves?
No? All right, I'll just light them on fire.
The poor leaves, you know, all they know is spring and summer.
And then in October, they're like, where's everyone going?
Early in November, you always see a couple leaves hanging on.
They're like, I'm going to make it.
I'm going to make it through winter.
Me and my buddy Carl, right, Carl? Carl.
The pine trees, they must resent the attention the leaves get.
Stupid leaves.
Everyone's driving by looking at the pretty leaves.
I didn't bother to get to know them.
After a couple months, they're dead.
Come December, you'd be climbing a ladder and stick a star on my head.
Why would a pine tree sound like it's from Brooklyn?
How many jokes about seasons does this guy have?