For some of the older crowd.
All right, how about some Sean Connery?
You guys like Sean Connery?
Give a round of applause for Sean Connery.
Come on.
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
All right, a little bit of Sean Connery for you.
Sean Connery,
doing Elvis.
Ooh.
Show Elvis.
You like it sloppy, don't you?
How'd you like the goldfinger?
That,
Sean Connery,
they don't make men like that anymore.
That was a cool, cool dude.
Who in movies is like that anymore?
People who try to be cool like that?
Like, Steven Seagal is a * retard, right?
I
had a casting director once tell me that the definition
of cool and shitty and cool in television and film today
is Owen Wilson
from the Shanghai Nights movies.
I know women think that Owen Wilson is hot,
because he's got that...
He played the perfect boyfriend in Meet the Parents.
He's got that broken nose and total pretty boy,
but I don't know any guy that wants to be like Owen Wilson,
because...
Look at this.
I don't know any guy that looks at Owen Wilson
and goes,
man,
I want to be just like that pussy right there.
In any kind of real situation,
you can't see Owen Wilson being a man,
you know?
Picture Owen Wilson in a nightclub.
A girl walks up to Owen Wilson and says,
you like to dance?
I want to dance.
You can't see Owen Wilson taking over,
because he's got that personality.
It's like,
wow, you want to dance with me?
Hey, you know what?
I'd love to dance with you, too, but
I actually don't have any genitalia.
I got kind of a mound right here.
It's pretty crazy.
That's why you got to go old school with
someone like Sean Connery or like Al Pacino.
You feel the room just get wet?
That's Al Pacino.
Women love Al Pacino.
You put Al Pacino in a nightclub and
a girl walks up to Al Pacino and says,
you like to dance?
I want to dance.
You can see Al Pacino taking over.
Yeah, you want to dance.
Is that what you want to do?
You want to dance?
No. I like to *.
You want to *?
Can you imagine having that voice, man?
Wouldn't that be just that voice alone?
Yeah, you want to.
Why don't you come home and sell off to my little friend?
You need some kind of game to get laid, man.
Because you can't,
as a guy,
who do you got to be to get laid as a guy?
Who do you got to be?
Not you, right?
You got to be cool.
You're not cool.
You got to smell good.
You smell like *.
And you got to be able to dance and look cool,
which is impossible.
And your friends are always trying to
undercut anything that you're trying to do.
Not like as like really trying to take anything away from you,
but your friends are just funny.
You ever bring a girl home and introduce her
to your friends as soon as she turns her back?
There's always one friend who's got
to make some faces behind her back.
Not a lot of girls know that we do this.
You bring a girl home for the first time,
you're like,
hey,
come on in.
I want you to meet everybody.
No, come here.
Come here.
I want you to be my friend.
This is Jay.
And that's Mike.
That's Rigg.
Hey, man, what's going on?
This is Shelly,
who's the girl I was telling you about.
As soon as she turns her back,
there's always one guy
that's got to be like.
All right.
No, we're going to go upstairs.
All right, I'll see you later.
Thanks a lot, guys.