It's good to be here in Boston.
I love Boston.
Boston's a tough city, right?
It's like Boston!
Boston!
Boston!
Boston!
I love the Boston energy.
And you guys, all of New England,
you guys love your seafood,
and it's just disgusting.
Boston!
Boston!
Boston!
Boston!
I was on vacationing on Cape Cod,
because I'm white.
And...
I was at this seafood restaurant, right?
And this guy came over to our table.
It wasn't even our waiter.
He came over to our table and was like,
I don't know how to do the Boston accent.
You're not eating lobster.
Is there a reason why you're not eating lobster?
And I was like,
uh,
I thought I'd order what I want.
I wasn't really in the mood for bug meat.
Well, fish are.
They're just creepy,
crawly,
giant insects on the bottom of the ocean.
You know fish are swimming around like,
we gotta get an exterminator up in this piece.
They're bugs! They have a shell like a bug.
They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug.
They have antennae like a monster.
They're probably monsters.
Like,
if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house,
you'd be like,
what the hell is a chicken doing in my house?
But if you saw a lobster,
you'd be like,
we're moving.
Because there's not a nickel's worth of
difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion.
Now, I understand everyone loves lobster.
I love lobster.
Hey, I like butter too.
Okay.
How can I eat three sticks of butter?
Well, I found this giant swimming sea scorpion.
It's just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down.
In the most delightful way.
Lobster tail.
Is that the area near the butt?
Mmm.
That's what I want, a little turf and bug butt.
How about those restaurants where you
have to pick out your own lobster?
You're like,
I guess I'll take that one that's
really struggling with the rubber bands.
He seems appealing.
Why don't we boil him to death?
Why am I involved in this decision?
But the Northeast, it's all shellfish.
Maryland with the crab.
Isn't it kind of a red flag?
You need a hammer to eat a crab.
Oh, you're having the crab?
Let me get you some tools.
So you can crack open that bug shell
and get that half a bite of bug meat.
Crab, it's too much work.
They're like the pistachio of seafood.
And there's that nasty part of the crab.
You're not supposed to eat.
I think it's called all of it.
Cause they're crabs as in the sexually transmitted disease.
That has the same name.
Cause it's the exact same thing.
You're just the baby version of the dinner crab.
You know, God's up in heaven going,
what do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs?
I gave it a rock hard shell.
I named a disease after it.
Jesus,
you're going to have to go back down there.
I don't even know how people order crabs with a straight face.
Yeah, my wife and I, you know what?
I'll get crabs and I'll give her some.
Don't tell her I want it to be a surprise.
Even the crab as a creature is creepy.
It always looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation.
Is that, oh, I owe that guy money, *.
Clams and oysters.
How do we even start eating those?
Hey, I'll fight a rock with a snot in it.
I'm sticking to eating it.
Go ahead.
All right.
What's it taste like?
Pneumonia.
Oysters on the half shell as opposed to what?
In a Kleenex?
Even the way you're supposed to eat an oyster,
squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce,
throw it down the back of your throat,
take a shot of vodka and try and forget you ate a snot moron.
That's not how you eat something.
That's how you overdose on sleeping pills.