I'm going to drop a resort now, it's a resort called Gstaad in Switzerland, marvellous place in Switzerland, great chalets there full of very rich living and we were there doing a film called The Return of the Pink Panther and when the film was finished the studio said we want more of Sellers and Spinelli so they rebuilt the sets in Pinewood and I had an extra two weeks filming extra scenes with Peter and I. I remember one scene where I opened the door and about 10,000 gallons of water come out and knocked me back about 30 yards. Peter's saying that's funny and then there's another scene where I pick up this fire extinguisher to explain to Clouseau how to make it work and it exploded and went all over me and I was covered in this foam and a yard of foam went along my nose like this till there was this great sort of scaramouche of a nose turning the camera like that with a great long thing of foam and Peter's saying that's got to be the funniest scene in the movie. Well now we're in Gstaad and we're invited to the premiere and the 500 of the world's press, there was a big banner across the street saying tonight premiere The Return of the Pink Panther, the stars of the film welcome you, Peter Sellers, Catherine Schell, Christopher Plummer, Victor Spinelli, there it was on this big banner and I get into the hotel and to be told that I was cut out of the film almost entirely. Now I'll tell you what was left, I was in behind the desk as the desk clerk and Clouseau comes in and says they had a Ren and I say a Ren and that was it, that was the part. Now it doesn't matter that one's cut out of a film, it really doesn't, I'm not being sort of, but it doesn't really matter because it happens to everybody but the trouble is you see I wouldn't have gone if I'd known because the next day we had 500 of the world's press, television cameras from America, from Japan, from Sweden, from from England, everywhere to interview us, the stars of the film and I thought what are they going to say, you know, how did you build up to your part of at home, that was it, and I was quite depressed and I suddenly remembered that Richard and Elizabeth had got remarried and lived in Kastat, so I rang them up and Richard said what do you bloody do in your boy, well I said there's this big premiere today said and there's a big party tonight, he said I know that, he said they unbloody asked us and on the extension Elizabeth said you sound depressed, well I said I am in a way, said here I am, Bill is one of the stars of the film, I've got all these publicity things to do and I've been cut out of the film, he said ah well they didn't ask us to the party but I tell you what, we'll come to the party just to see you, I think my God, and there's the publicity guy Theo Cowan standing there, Theo Cowan's one of these publicity, he's got a pipe in his mouth, he always stands as though he's in the prow of a ship, sailing towards his retirement, and I said Theo, Richard and Elizabeth are coming, he said have you told Peter, I said no, well I'm not going to tell him, you tell him, I said oh Peter, Richard and Elizabeth are coming, and he said, oh then I said to see you, and he went, how kind of your friends to grace us with their presence, well that night there was this big party, there were all these tables, 500 the world's press all there, there was Henry Mancini with full orchestra, and there was this great big table, I was sitting at this table, on the table of Return of the Pink Panther wristwatches, Return of the Pink Panther champagne, Return of the Pink Panther fondue sets, all there, Peter was with, he was with two blondes and a priest, because he was thinking of becoming a Catholic at the time, so he was there, and Blake Edwards was there, Blake Edwards the director of the film, Blake Edwards, Blake Edwards, my wife Julie Andrews, I mean that's her full name, my wife Julie Andrews, right, in the passport that's what it says, my wife Julie Andrews, we're all sitting there, and there was a conversation, it was quite desultory, it was all about the merits of Judaism, as opposed to Catholicism, and we're going into all this, and sitting there eating away with the food, and suddenly this lady that I'd spoken to a few hours before on the phone, that was in, then in her jeans, and her sweater, and her hair down, had spent these intervening hours, turning herself into, getting the jewels out, getting the hair done, getting the dress on, turning herself into this superstar, and suddenly a voice at the top of the steps, into this ballroom went, Victor, and there was Elizabeth Taylor looking wonderful, and behind her, leaning a little, Vic, now the press of the world go mad, they've not been seen since they got remarried, right, they've left the table as they're fighting with the camera, going like mad, now I'm sitting at the table, I have to leave the table, I'm going about 20 yards only across, but it seemed like 200 miles, and in slow motion, like one of those hair commercials, I'm going across like this, and there they are in the middle, this great bear hug, and they're kissing me, and hugging me, and Richard's saying, you may have been cut out of the picture, boy, but we'll make sure you'll get the bloody publicity we've seen of that, right, Elizabeth is saying, we'll have some fun tonight, and I'm saying, don't do this to me, I'll never work again, right, anyway, now the cameras are clacking, and we go to the main table, well, we don't walk there, we're harried there by the press, we get there, well, the priest has to move up one, right, sit down, I'm sitting there, and there's Richard, Elizabeth, I'm sitting down, and Elizabeth's kicking me under the table, and she said, oh, my God, you're eating here, hmm, I said, the food is awful, I mean, don't you hate hotel food, and well, and they said, oh, that band is awfully loud, what are they playing? Peter said, it's the theme from Pink Panther, and she said, how gross, did you ask the band to be a little quiet, please, and Peter landed across and said, would you tell your friends that the band is playing for me, and not for them, and I said, the band is playing for him, and not for you, and Elizabeth said, oh, well, we'll leave, and Blake said, no, no, no, don't leave, because if they'd left, that would have been the headline, Stars Leave Party, but at the end of the dinner, we're invited to the cabaret room, now, there's this great big cabaret room, with 500 of the world's press, Henry Mancini again, with the orchestra, and Julie Andrews on stage, and right at the back of the room, right up against the back wall, there's this banquette, and there's the three of us, stuck on this little sofa, champagne, no champagne bucket, just a bottle of champagne and three glasses, and the press, they've got this telephoto lens, and this clicking sound, doing this, over their shoulders, back at these two up there, and we're sitting there, and suddenly Richard said, listen, he said, we'll see you get the bloody publicity, you know, Vic, but anything you can do here tonight, because the press of the world, you might get bloody discovered again, you know what I mean? And I thought, well, has Alec Guinness been *** by the Turks, or something? And I thought, well, yeah, I can do something, he said, right, he said, when Julie finishes, he said, I'll put you on, all right? I said, right, he said, right, so she went, bravo, he went, wonderful, wonderful, Julie, marvellous, marvellous, now, ladies and gentlemen, my great friend, Victor Spinelli, and Peter down in the front jumped up and went, no! And Richard said, you're quite right, Peter, I do apologise, it is, after all, your evening, I'm sorry, come, Elizabeth, come, Victor, I'll be swept out of the ballroom right now. Next morning, at nine o'clock, the phone rings, it's Richard, I said, well, you were up early, well, he said, there's a bug, or else, reformed drunks at Uber get up early, he said, I'm downstairs, he said, with the car, now, come down, he said, we'll go to the newsagent and get the papers, right, and look at the publicity, I said, right, well, I come out of my room, the hotel, and there are presents outside all the hotel doors, Return of the Pink Panther sweatshirts, Return of the Pink Panther T-shirts, Return of the Pink Panther tracksuits, running shoes, but nothing outside my door at all, so I nick one from each pile and went downstairs with my house presents, and we drove to the shop, and Richard bought all the European papers, the Zeitung, Figaro, Osservatore, La Stampa, all these papers, back to the villa, there's Elizabeth in the kitchen, fixing lunch, she comes up, wiping her hands on her penny, she said, let's see the papers, so we open the papers, and there was this photograph, Richard and Elizabeth, and myself, in this great bear hug in the centre of the room, and it said, last night, at the premiere of Return of the Pink Panther, was Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, and Mel Ferrer. Richard said, your bloody mother won't even believe you were here.