Pull up a seat, all laugh at me and my bluesJust 50p, a real family treat, watch me loseGather around for less than a pound, watch me weepTurn back the clocks, bring out the stocks onto streetMake me weep for my children, cry for my wifeWatch the crowd crease up at the story of my lifeFrom the loons in the stalls, to the goons in front rowCome and give this show a goRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up for the saddest divorceRoll up for a fully fledged clownA fool in the kitchen, a jester in bedRip up your tickets, watch this farce insteadRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downJoin in the queue, then pull up a pew by my sideNow I'm all the rage, and life is on stage, watch me dieThey're sailing dead fastI don't think they'll last very longThese tickets to seeUgly old me go so wrongI'm a national jokeBut a resolute chapTortured and teasedBut I'm used to that *From the howling in the galleryTo the giggles down frontCome and give this book a puntRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up for the saddest divorceRoll up for a fully fledged clownA fool in the kitchen, a jester in bedRip up your tickets, watch this farce insteadRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up to see me break downOne final bed for an adult and kid in the pensA bovril and pie and a cry to the sky once againTake up your seats, popcorn and sweets and a drinkThe theatre is packed for the opening act, watch him singRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up for the saddest divorcee, roll up for a fully fledged clownA fool in the kitchen, a jester in bedRip off your tickets, watch this boss insteadRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up, roll up, roll up to see me break downRoll up to see me break down