Mission Control at Mablethorpe
Good * herpes on the launching pad
I've got some syrup of figs from me grandma
And trouser clips from me dad
Seconds away from blast-off
Waiting for the final command
Sitting here in a tin can
With me helmet in me hand
Three, final check-up from me modules
Two, and the best of British luck
One, hang on a minute
I think I've changed me mind
Yes, you've changed me mind
Oh, *
I'm floating in a most peculiar way
I'm heading for Uranus
So it's really not your day
To boldly go where no bold *
Ever boldly flew
But I've got a little bit of luck
I've got to get back by Tuesday
Cos me library book's overdue
Oh, give over, Ivor
Ziggy's done that already
This is your captain speaking
What's your height and attitude?
Erm, I'm five foot seven in me wife-runs
And pig-ignorant and rude
What's the status of your airlocks?
Erm, they're dangling in the bridgehead
Freezers
Are you Yankee on your joystick?
No, I'm dodging Zanussi freezers
What course are you taking for the asteroids?
Erm, suppositories, twice daily
Have you seen the comets?
No, I haven't even seen Bill Haley
But I'm floating
In a most peculiar way
I'm feeling Major Tom and Dick
As the capsule starts to sway
Then you can't spew down the lavatory in zero gravity
You've got to heave in the hoover
I've been round Venus with me hands on me penis
Looking for a docking manoeuvre
A chance would be a fine thing
We have a small problem, herpes
Er, hey-up, the light's gone out
We're losing radio contact
Well, I'll open up the window and shout
The chip pans alight
Me biro won't write
The android won't write







The android's blown a circuit
Me inflatable lady has just sprung the leak
And I haven't got a puncturey perkit
Oh, *!
This is I, the big'un
Hello, mission control
I must be you, Kalele
And I can't find the toilet roll
Now, where's my little portable job?
I might feel better if I twiddle the knob
Ah, Jupiter, Mr President
Just look at the radar glass
It ain't one of ours
So it must be one of theirs
Let's press a button and bust some ass
He could be one son of a *
There on the radar loop
A million yet to miss us
Press a button and blow them all to
Oh, dear
Planet Earth just blew
And there's nothing I can do
And just to think I only came up here
To get an aerial view
Over the Sutton-on-Sea nudist beach
Isn't life full of surprises?
I'm floating
In a most peculiar way
I'm feeling rather Tom and Dick
As the capsule starts to sway
I'm floating
In a most peculiar way