I haven't been sleeping recently. Last night, for the first time in god knows how long, I fell down to the floor, clasped my hands together and looked up, and before I knew it, I was whispering the words, help me, because I didn't know what else to do, I don't know what I want, sometimes I think I want to rip it all off and start over, sometimes I feel like I've been cussed, like my life has been pre-programmed, I'm just software running itself, I'm just watching the code, numbers like a 1 and 0s, startling in front of me, and I try to type, and I try to type, where are you going, and nothing, and when I go outside, I don't even see that, I see no direction, that road has widened to the point of distant fuzz, I stay in bed, I only leave to get the bare essentials, and even at that I hesitate sometimes, I know there's work to be done, but it feels futile, I've did jobs, I've filled up coffee and spreadsheets, I've filled up pools of vomit on work nights out, I've filled out job seekers applications, I've filled so many of my hours staring at the clock waiting for it to kill itself, I don't feel like, I don't feel like my actions have weight, and ironically this makes everything feel really heavy, I can't see, I can't, can I? If only you knew my life, I have no idea where I'm going, if only you knew I was thrown into this world without an instruction manual, if only you knew that when I was young I thought the world was only out there to hurt me, if only you knew how much I changed since the last time we spoke, if only you knew we had one, just one life, sometimes I think you're the most real thing there is, the oddly thing there is, if only you knew that, if only you knew my life, if only you knew me. you