I was watching the History Channel, and sure, it's nothing but repeats.
But I learned something fascinating about California.
It's the most diverse state in the country because 160 years ago, there weren't a lot of people living there.
And then one guy found one little piece of gold, and then men from every corner of the planet came to strike it rich.
And then they were followed by women who follow men who follow money.
And that's pretty much how the West was won.
First the gold diggers, and then the gold diggers.
And it makes California very diverse, which is fine, but also very politically correct
because they don't want anyone to be offended by anything.
So they didn't call it a Christmas.
They didn't call it a Christmas party.
I said, it's a Christmas party.
And they said, well, no, don't say that.
And I said, well, then I'll say Happy Hanukkah, too.
And they're like, no, because then you'll have to say, have a beautiful Boxing Day,
and a Kwesi Kwanzaa, and a terrific Tim Couch.
Just forget it.
It's a holiday party.
Just call it a holiday party.
And they changed the songs.
They didn't play I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas for two reasons on that one.
And, um...
Yeah.
Frosty the Snowman is now Katelyn, a person of snow.
We three kings of Orient are very offended that you would say Orient.
You can't say Orient anymore because they don't want to offend Asians.
And you can't say Spick and Span anymore because they don't want to offend Latinos.
Yep.
You have to say Spick and Spaniard.
It's very, very touchy.
You can't even order a black Russian in a bar in California.
Excuse me, I'd like a former Soviet Republic of African descent on the rocks, please.
I travel a lot because I'm better than you.
And...
I was in Oklahoma recently.
Have you been?
Have you been to Oklahoma, ma'am?
No.
Save your bus fare.
Okay, because...
It's nothing like the musical in Oklahoma.
I did not have fun there.
There was a lot of booing going on during my presentation.
And I'm sorry, but a crowd has to be really, really stupid for me to boo them.
Okay.
Anyway, I'm driving through the flat part.
Of the state.
And...
To get to a better state.
Anyway, I'm driving.
And I'll admit, I'm not the best driver.
I'm probably the only person who ever lost control driving through Mirage.
Yeah.
I didn't even see it.
Anyway, I'm driving and I hit a rabbit and I felt horrible about it.
And I had to look.
It turns out it wasn't a rabbit.
It was a cabriolet.
It's a Volkswagen rabbit with a different top.
Maybe I didn't mean for that to be funny.
Maybe that's not a joke at all.
Maybe that's a setup for another joke later on.
And when we get there, it'll be hilarious.
And make up for this awkwardness that you've created here.
All right.