That's why I've never understood people that are, like, nationalistic, either.
Like, you know, people are, like, really proud to be from where they're from.
Always confuses me.
You get, like, Welsh people, like, love being from Wales,
or English people, or Londoners, or, yeah, I'm really proud,
and you're like, I don't understand, like, why you're proud of that, you know,
because, like, it was, like, nothing to do with you.
It was just where your mum was when you fell out of her.
Like, stop bragging about it, you know.
Like, if your mum had given birth to you in Tesco,
do you refer to going to Asda?
But often, these people, like, they're really into flags as well, you know.
Like, flag people.
I don't like flag people.
Because, like, in my experience, people are really into flags.
They're usually either racists or pirates.
Two groups I don't get on with.
There was a guy, actually, in England, like, a few years ago.
You probably saw it.
It was a big story.
He was in the news because he had three England flags on the front of his house,
and an MP took a photo of it, and she ended up resigning because of the furore.
And I was on his side.
I was like, well, like, three England flags, like, on the front of your house,
that's too many flags, isn't it?
Like, you only need one England flag, or any flag, you know.
Like, I'm a massive fan of Sir David Attenborough.
You know, I think I'd only need one giant photo of his face.
On the front of my flat, before people go,
I think he likes natural history documentaries, that guy.
The thing that made me laugh the most about this man
is one of the England flags he had on the front of his house.
It was over his bedroom window.
So every time he woke up in the morning and he opened his curtains,
he saw the England flag.
This is a man, right, that loves England so much,
it's actually preventing him from seeing England.
He would much rather look at the England flag than * England.
And I don't like the England flag.
I lay my cards on the table.
But not because it's the England flag.
I don't like flags.
I don't like flags full stop.
Actually, my least favourite flag is probably the Welsh flag.
You might be familiar with the Welsh flag.
I don't like the Welsh flag,
chiefly because it has a dragon on it.
And as far as I'm aware, they do not exist.
It seems really strange to me to be proud of something
we've clearly never had.
Welsh people are like, oh yeah, the Welsh dragon.
I'm like, I looked into it.
And I think it was a bloke stood too close to a lizard.
And the story sort of snowballed, you know.
Welsh people, they love the dragon.
They put the dragon everywhere.
So much so, I think they would get angry
if another nation put a mythical creature on their flag.
You know, if tomorrow, like, the French got rid of the tricolour
and replaced it with, like, a werewolf on a skateboard.
Welsh people are like, oh, what the *?
I haven't got any werewolves.
It's disgraceful.
Oh, no, I love the dragon.
And they're not always me.
Especially, the dragon annoys me especially
because we so easily could have had a dinosaur.
How cool would that have been?
We had dinosaurs in Wales.
You know, unless you're a Christian,
but it's too late to go into that now.
But, like, I think it was just, like, two Welsh guys in a pub.
You know, they had a deadline.
And one of them wanted a dinosaur.
And the other one wanted a dragon, you know.
So the first one's like, all right, I think we should have a dinosaur.
And he's like, all right, fair play.
Do dinosaurs fly?
Yeah, like, a few of them.
You know, like, pterodactyls and that.
But not many of them.
Okay, fair enough.
Do dinosaurs breathe fire?
No.
None of the dinosaurs breathe fire.
Well, that's it settled, then.
We're having a * dragon.
We can't have a dragon because we haven't got any dragons.
We need something that exists that we can put on the flag
that we can properly intimidate the English with.
All right.
How about the fact that we get our NHS prescriptions for free
and they have to pay £8.40 for theirs?
They'll get knocked out of the group stages of their own Rugby World Cup
and they'll be kicked out of the Euro 2016 by Iceland.
I like your thinking, but it's very difficult to encapsulate that on a flag.
Also, did this routine go better when you did it in Edinburgh during the festival?
Yes, very much so.
There were not as many English people in the room.
Thanks for coming along.
You've been really good.
Well done.
Comedians are reviewed all the time,
but audience members never are.
But it was the first time working together
and you really smashed that.
Yeah, so thanks for listening to me.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening.
I've been Lloyd Langford. Thank you. Cheers.
APPLAUSE