The time is the early 1970s.
The place, New York City.
The players,
the as yet undiscovered John Belushi,
Gilda Radner, Chevy Chase, Christopher Guest,
and a host of other writers, producers,
and comedic geniuses bent on creating
the funniest radio show of all time.
Listen and remember.
And now,
the National Lampoon Radio Hour.
You don't have to look at pictures on the radio.
Oh, oh, you got me on the jaw.
It doesn't ruin your vision like a TV show.
Who assassinated President Coolidge?
Practice yoga on the ground.
Or get up and walk around.
You can do it when you're listening to the radio.
Oh, go ahead, Ann. Tell a joke.
You can shave or wash your hair while a show is on the air.
You can cook up a fondue and we'd still be coming through.
You can stay in bed and you'll find we don't care at all.
Just as long as you keep listening to the radio.
Come in, please.
East Pole Expedition.
Oh,
we
could say we're spoken briefer on the radio.
While we're really eating cookies and you'd never know.
We could tell you we look great when we're really overweight.
You can get away with so much on the radio.
Never tell a joke to an old person,
for one thing.
So don't tell them what you look like on the radio.
Cause if they never see you,
then they'll never know.
Doesn't matter if you acne,
cause they'll never know exactly
what you look like when they listen to the radio.
Hi there.
R-A-D-I-O.
Not television.
R-A-D-I-O.
Wearing plunders.
R-A-D-I-O.
Or vacuum cleaners.
R-A-D-I-O.
You get the picture?
R-A-D-I-O.
Thank you, Marconi.
From New York City,
where a diamond heart surface of glitter and froth
hides a pulsing miasma of heartbreak and shame.
From New York City,
where armed debutants hold the middle classes at bay.
From New York City,
where trust is just a name on a bank,
comes the man who can't keep a secret,
Mr. Chatterbox,
and his gossip report to the nation.
I'm sure you've heard that,
but Mr. Chatterbox can't keep a secret.
Horace Havel,
producer of Broadway hit,
A Little Night Tundra,
says the big white way is dying because
there isn't enough violence on TV.
Popular purist,
the Marchioness of Hemp,
is decorating her Sutton Place
apartment in yards and yards of tundra.
Fabulous tundra is the material that stays semi-frozen all year long,
sends up tiny little flowers in the spring.
It costs a small fortune,
can be tough on the parquet,
but it's a welcome change from those stupid Tibetan rugs,
says the Marchioness of Hemp.
And your parents,
yes,
your mother and father is the latest Gotham giggle.
Mr. Chatterbox couldn't like it more.
Jackie Suzanne takes her popular mom,
Tootsie,
to lunch at the Taft,
orders up a storm,
then sticks mom with a bill.
Couldn't like it more.
Wayne Newton dresses his cooperative dad all in red,
takes him to breakfast interviews to add the human dimension.
It's nice to see warm human feelings back in fashion,
don't you think?
Or don't you?
It's no use taking your questions to
popular philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein.
He's as dead as a doornail.
This is Mr. Chatterbox signing off till next time.
Remember to urge your congressman to put some teeth in fashion law.
And you, Ethel Kennedy, you watch your step.
Mr. Chatterbox knows what you're up to,
don't you think?
Or don't you?
Yes,
young man, can I help you?
Hey, man, are you the man who rents the bread?
I am authorized to arrange loans, yes, sir.
Oh, you're an actual lone ranger, man, huh?
You ain't got a mask or anything.
Sir,
perhaps you could tell me what we can do for you.
Well,
Mr. Lone Ranger,
I want to hire your silver.
Sir, could I have your name, please?
My name is Roland Viccarelli.
That's a V. My friends call me Space Captain,
though.
V-I...
V-I-C.
Well, just call me Space Captain if you want.
Oh, Mr. Space.
All right.
I'll give you the card.
Mr. Space.
Now,
what amount exactly did you want to borrow?
Oh, wow, man, your shoes.
Hey,
did you old lady put those little holes in your toes?
Sir, my mother passed away some years ago.
Now, how much did you want to borrow?
Well, how much you got?
I don't know, like a million, a billion.
I don't know.
Look,
why don't you just give me a bunch of fifties?
I'll put them in my backpack.
Sir... Hey, man, far out!
What?
Hey, the picture on your desk, man.
Are you into dogs?
My old lady raises beagles, man.
I figured you were a Scorpio.
My old lady's one, too.
You should come over and see the couple sometimes.
Sir, this is not a beagle.
This is my wife.
Oh, wow.
Now,
could I have your occupation, please?
Yeah, well, I'm self-employed, you might say.
Self-employed as what, sir?
Oh,
well,
like me and my old lady,
we were into this leather shop...
with some other freaks from L.A.
for a while.
But everybody got into this thing where
some of us would make the sandals...
and some of us would sell the sandals,
some of us would wear them.
And then we'd share the profits,
and then our sales manager gave the rent to the guru.
Gave all our rent to his guru.
And then the pigs from the health department busted our house...
and we split the Mexico and rented it to the federales.
Sir, perhaps you don't understand.
I'm asking, what do you do now for a living?
Oh, I'm an importer.
An importer of what?
I don't know.
Whatever's around.
You import whatever's around?
Yeah,
you know,
somebody knows somebody who's got something,
you know.
You got a light, brother?
Certainly, yes.
Here, have a hit.
No, thank you.
I don't smoke.
Oh, come on, man.
Come on,
this is really outrageous,
Mongolian,
man.
Just one hit, come on.
You want to get arrested?
Besides,
don't you understand that you can suffer severe brain damage?
I know, man.
Listen,
man,
I've been smoking since I was 19,
you know.
How old are you now, son?
18.
Hey,
let me use that rose clip on your tie,
okay?
Are you insane?
This is a bank.
I don't want to die of a flashback.
I want puppies, I mean children.
Hey, it's an outrageous rose clip, man.
It's got a little slide rule on it,
numbers and everything.
Stop offering me that thing.
Do you want me to commit a cult murder or something?
Come on, man, what's the matter, man?
Chicken,
huh?
Me?
Chicken?
Yeah, you know.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
I am not chicken.
Here, give me that thing.
Give it to me.
All right, now inhale it, man.
Just let it go.
Like that.
Right down your throat.
Right down, good.
Okay, now hold it in.
Hey,
you're a Scorpio, right?
No, as a matter of fact, I'm from Indiana.
Hey, look, look, like I was saying, you know,
if you front me the price of a used microbus
and say 100,000 pesos,
in two or three runs I can get a whole fleet of Land Rovers.
And then I can get the dudes from the Sandals Shop
on a bail and get them on the route, you know?
Hey,
man,
pretty soon we'll be able to get a used submarine,
maybe a fighter escort, and yeah,
maybe battleships and everything.
Hey, what's so funny?
Well,
I'm not sure exactly,
but it suddenly occurred to me
that this whole situation was somehow irrelevant to another,
perhaps higher level of reality.
I mean,
if you look at it properly,
it's all a game of Monopoly anyway.
Hey, knock it off, man.
This is serious.
This is no game, man.
All this concern,
you know,
over power trips,
I mean,
role-playing,
this characteristically Western obsession with money.
I, if you're really...
Listen, man, I'm not talking about money, man.
I'm talking about Colombian, man.
Tons of Colombian weed, man.
Don't you think that you should stop
your obsession with material possessions?
I'm not going to stop my obsession with anything,
man.
May I call you brother?
Get off the floor, man.
Just get off the floor.
I want to kiss the hand of your wife.
Just stay away from me, man.
I'm going to call a guard.
Guards, come over here.
Get your gun out.
Shoot this guy, man.
The following is a message from the American Safety Institute.
Not any dogs you see who have foam around their
mouths or appear to be behaving strangely.
They may be mad dogs.
Their erratic gait makes them a serious hazard to old people who can
easily trip over these bothersome
animals and suffer serious injuries.
Remember, don't
be a careless person.
Be a care-more person.
It's your puzzle page of the air,
a special
feature of the National Lampoon Radio Hour.
Get your pads and pencils ready, because our
first puzzle this evening is Count the Mistakes.
In the short sketch you will hear next, we've
deliberately made 76 different radio mistakes.
Some are easy to spot, but we warn you, some
are very hard.
They'll be a big prize for the listener who can spot the most.
So get
ready, listen carefully,
and write down every mistake as soon as you hear it.
Honey, I'm home.
Be right out.
I'm cooking dinner.
Smells good.
What are we having?
Broiled egg crates.
Mmm, that's my favorite.
Have a good day at the office, dear.
Very good.
I lost three major contracts and I was fired.
Listen.
To what?
There's an airplane going by.
Oh, yes, and it sounded just like a 647.
Oh, honey, there goes the baby again.
Will you sing him a lullaby?
Sure.
Lullaby and good day.
It's a good day of a lull.
Oh, there's the doorbell.
I'll get it.
Who are you?
I'm the A-bond lady.
Well, we want to buy a lot, so get out of here.
Anything important come in the mail?
See for yourself.
Why, here's the electric bill.
Let me see.
We used 616 kilowatt hours,
and at $0.67 per kilowatt hour,
that comes to $412.19.
We shouldn't really try to cut down.
Soup's off.
Hey, candlelight tonight, huh?
There's something special I want to talk to you about.
Mmm, this crabgrass sure does taste good.
It reminds me of that old adage I learned way back in grade school,
that one plus one
equals three.
Oh, it's so nice to hear the sun shining for
a change.
It sure is.
Now, honey, what was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
Why are you laughing?
I just realized I forgot to put on my clothes this morning.
I've been going around stark
naked all day.
Well,
when it comes to mistakes,
I sure can make some beauts.
Harry,
I thought
this would be easier to say over candlelight and roses,
but I'm leaving you.
I'm running
away with a milkwoman.
Well,
don't just sit there with your feet on the ceiling.
Say something.
Is that all you have to say?
I'm 6'2",
I have blue eyes,
and my right arm
is slightly longer than my left.
I want you to know that I'm doing this because
I'm madly in love with a mailman,
and I want to be her husband more than anything else
in the whole wide pencil.
This comes as quite a shock to me, Agnes.
I knew it would be, Charles.
That reminds me, Louise,
what's the normal
household voltage in America?
Why,
Sammy,
it's 62 volts,
of course,
in a steady state
sine wave of 42 cycles per second.
Connie,
how could you do this to me after all these
years of marriage?
Don't make things difficult for us, Leroy.
You can have custody of the
horses.
No, Margaret, no.
I love you too much, and I won't let it happen.
You can't go through
with this.
That knife,
what are you going to do?
Instead of letting the mailwoman get
you, I'd rather have you alive.
No, don't.
I beg you, no.
Hey, oh, that feels good.
Oh,
gosh, I enjoy being stabbed.
Oh,
listen,
the baby's crying again.
Isn't it your turn to
take it for a walk?
Okay,
but remember,
Alaska is east of Pakistan.
Good night, darling.
I love you.
Good night, darling.
I hate you too.
How many mistakes did you catch?
Write down as many as you could and send your list to
us postmarked no later than midnight tonight.
To start you off, we'll give you this hint.
The first mistake was when we said there would be a prize.
Dragola Records.
Hello?
Hello, is that the record company?
Yes, it is.
Let me speak to the president, baby.
Hello?
Hello?
The president is not in at the moment.
May I take a message?
Listen,
I got to speak to the president of the company.
He should be back from lunch shortly.
Just what was it in reference to?
Oh, yeah, in reference to.
Yeah, man, right.
I can dig it.
Listen,
tell him I have a new group for him.
They come from Panama, and they're all redheads.
They have red hair, you know, babies.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah, and they sing very, very high.
Very, very high up.
They hit all the high notes, really.
Dynamite sound.
Hey,
they can sing in many ways that he wants to.
All the keys and everything.
Tell him that if he wants to have a hit,
a hit,
you know,
then this is the,
you know,
the group for him to...
Hello?
Would you care to leave your name and number
so that the president can call you back,
Mr...
A friend.
Mr. Friend.
Just tell him a friend call.
Yeah, bye.
Well,
here we are in Recipe Corner once again with a
correction to last week's recipe for tuna loaf.
We should have said three tablespoons of minced parsley,
not 13. We're truly sorry.
He stabbed 7,000 men, you couldn't stab a cake.
He's that shooting,
stabbing,
smiling,
most notorious Colonel Blake.
We're honored to have here today in our studio for an interview,
consumer advocate Ralph Nader.
Welcome, Ralph.
And you can put your laundry right over there and your lunchbox.
That's fine.
That'll be fine.
Right there.
And that armful of papers, would you let me...
Yay, wherever you want.
Well,
Ralph,
it's certainly good to see you,
fella.
Hey, wait.
Don't throw that old army overcoat away.
It's the only one I've got.
Thank you.
It's good to be here.
It will help inform suspicious Americans about the
way they're being robbed and swindled at every turn.
And I should say that Ralph is
donating his fee for this program to...
How much did this microphone cost you?
I beg your pardon?
This microphone,
how much did you have to pay for it?
Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know.
I just...
Well,
you see right there,
that's one of the problems right there.
People don't pay enough attention to how they spend their money.
Well,
that's a point I never even considered,
Ralph.
Oh, it's a good one, too.
As a matter of fact,
right here in my pocket,
I have...
No, wait.
That's the report on underweight lollipops.
And this is the study we're doing on the Scotch tape monopoly.
Here it is.
Oh, well, something that...
Can't read my own handwriting.
See,
even I'm a victim of our two-bit educational system.
Oh, I'm sorry.
They didn't even teach me how to write properly.
Three out of four teachers in this country are medically blind.
I don't think many people in your audience realize this.
Wow. No, I didn't.
How do you...
Now, let me ask.
How do you find out things like that?
We have our ways,
and we have a constitutional right not to divulge them.
If everybody in this country would refuse to divulge their sources,
we'd be making real progress.
Oh, Ralph,
I notice you're not wearing any shoes.
Now,
I think that is remarkable,
that Ralph Nader isn't wearing shoes.
Could you tell us something about what cause this would symbolize,
Ralph?
I mean, to go shoeless.
I'll be glad to.
My shoes wore out,
oh,
golly,
it must have been six months ago,
and I just haven't had time to go out and get another pair.
They wore out, and you just...
I'm very busy,
you know,
and I only make $36 a week.
Only $36?
Oh, that is incredible.
I had no idea that you only make...
And I get paid in cash.
No banks.
Did you know the banks in this country
own half the coffee crop in Brazil?
Why,
no,
as a matter of fact,
I didn't know that.
Half the coffee crop in Brazil.
That's why the price of coffee is so high.
Oh, you don't use banks, you say?
Of course not.
And I don't drink coffee because of the poison.
The poison?
See?
Advertising is hoodwink you, too.
Advertising is responsible for one out of every
three traffic fatalities in the state of Oregon.
Now, I find that difficult to believe.
Just a lot of dedicated people working very hard to dig up the facts,
that's all.
It's very encouraging to have them on my staff.
Those dedicated young people found that fact
out about advertising causing traffic deaths?
Right.
Well, no, in that case, I read it in the paper.
But, for example, let me give you an example.
Can I give you an example?
Please, please, give us an example.
Well, there are literally hundreds of examples.
And do you...
Do you have something to...
a bun, a sandwich, maybe an orange?
I haven't had anything to eat in five days.
Nothing to eat in five days?
I only make $35 a week.
Can you live on $35 a week these days?
Well, I... let's see what we can find.
Eddie, would you please...
oh, thanks, Eddie.
And now,
Ralph Nader,
I'd like to get back to the...
The good old days.
You can't go back.
You know,
the movies have been criminal about this,
about fostering the idea that the good
old days were better than right now.
Our study group found that from 1930 to 1940,
the number of smiles in Hollywood movies averaged,
I say,
15.3 per movie.
But from 1940 to 1950,
the number of smiles went up to 45.9 per movie.
Now, you tell me.
Tell you what?
Right.
So we're starting a movement to give the movies back,
to nationalize the movies.
Why should people become movie stars behind closed doors?
It's one of the most undemocratic things about this country.
You plan to make movie stars out of everybody?
Right.
The favoritism's got to end.
Beauty,
charm,
that stuff,
it has nothing to do with morality.
Ralph,
I noticed...
well, if I can get personal for just a minute...
Why not?
I've got nothing to hide.
Your tie.
Your tie looks...
Looks painted on my shirt.
That's right.
I painted this on my shirt,
or some of my staff did.
They're really terrific young people,
and some of them have a lot of real talent,
as you can see right here.
That is one of the most incredible sights I think I've ever seen.
And if you look,
can you get a good look at this?
My shirt is painted right here,
right on my body.
My God, he's right.
His shirt is just painted on.
But those things aren't important.
Is the food coming soon?
Those things aren't nearly as important
as what's really wrong with this country.
Oh,
I'm terribly sorry,
Ralph Nader,
ladies and gentlemen,
but our time is up.
We have to end our fascinating conversation
with the consumer advocate Ralph Nader.
Maybe Ralph will come back soon for another visit.
A cigarette butt.
Is this your cigarette butt?
Yes, I just put it out a minute ago.
Is there something wrong with it?
Hmm,
this is a very expensive brand,
sold at a tremendous markup.
Smokers each year spend something on the order of 52% of
their money to pay for sheer profit by the manufacturers.
That's just got to stop.
Oh,
well,
I am certainly glad to know that,
Ralph.
I think I'll keep this cigarette butt.
Go right ahead.
Got a light?
Sure, sure, here.
There you go, dear.
Thanks.
Now give me back, that's my pencil you took.
Give it back.
Nobody's going to rip off Ralph Nader.
I want that pencil.
Come on,
it cost me or somebody on my staff 10 cents to buy.
I only make 34 bucks a week to hand it over.
Hand over that pencil.
I want that pencil.
Ralph.
Yeah, give me the president.
He's out of town at the moment.
Perhaps I can help you.
You see, I'm handling a new group right now.
It's called The Shipment.
They just came over from England.
Right now they've got about 200 pounds.
That's all they've got to live on, 200 pounds.
So they need to find someone who's into,
well,
you know,
that kind of music,
you know,
very heavy,
you know.
You could tell your president that
he only has to listen to one number,
you know.
It'll give him a very,
very high opinion of the group,
you know.
As soon as he gets back from the preliminary congressional hearings,
I'll let him know that you called,
sir.
Hello, sir.
May I come in?
I'm from the Daily News and I'm interviewing
people to get some public opinion.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to ask you,
sir,
don't you feel that it is indeed
time for us to stop wallowing in Watergate for
the press and the media to leave President Nixon
free to pursue the pressing domestic and
international issues that so sorely need his
attention?
And do you feel that the whole subject of
Watergate has become grossly exaggerated?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much, sir.
Your name, please?
Joe Rooch.
Thank you, Mr. Rooch.
May I use your phone?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hello, City Desk.
I have another interview for you, Bob.
Mr. Joseph Rooch says,
quote,
he feels that it is indeed time for us to stop wallowing in Watergate
for the press and the media to leave President Nixon free to pursue
the domestic and international goals that he set out for himself...
The maestro tells me that he and the Moon Riders will
play for the first time on the airwaves the new hit tune,
Pollywogs on Parade,
just as soon as we hear from the old announcer,
Harmon Hudson.
Now,
this committee is interested to know as to why the National Tampoon,
National Lampoon,
was waited so long before releasing this new album,
the Missing White House Tapes.
Well,
Mr. Chairman,
we felt that a full disclosure would be
inoperative until all the facts were in.
Do you accept the irresponsibility for making the public these
carefully doctored tapes of political greed and stupidity,
arrogance and stupidity?
Yes,
sir,
we do,
except,
of course,
for those portions deleted in the interest of national hilarity.
Oh,
now,
Mr. Maestro,
Maestro,
Maestro,
Maestro,
Man of the Moon,
it would appear that these tapes established that the President,
to test the bailment,
is not guilty.
That is correct.
The Missing White House Tapes show beyond a shadow of a doubt that
if Mr. Nixon was aware of anything that was going on around him,
he was not aware of it.
Well,
the record speak,
the record speak,
the record speaks for itself.
This
is a public disservice message from the National Lampoon Radio Hour.
Never send care packages to the so
-called starving families in Europe,
because they're not starving at all.
Can you afford to live in Europe?
No. You can't even afford to visit Europe.
And do you know what they do with the care packages you send?
They whack them with their polar mallets and kick them into
their swimming pools and have a good laugh at your expense.
Good evening,
and welcome to Art for Art's Sake.
Tonight,
we will be looking into the
French Impressionists.
The French Impressionist movement began
in 1896 and was quite short-lived,
nearly 20 years.
Short-lived when one considers all that it produced.
But now we are witnessing
a tremendous rebirth,
and we have with us this evening
several of the new French Impressionists
who are currently leading this revival.
Gentlemen,
good evening.
Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
Well,
why don't we begin with you, sir?
Tell us your name and a little about yourself.
My name is Robert Lamieux,
and I am from Lyon.
My wife and I own a tiny farm,
and I work in the Renault factory,
because the farm is so tiny.
Good, Robert.
What impressions are you going to do for us tonight?
Well, thank you.
I am going to do Jimmy Cagney and Ed Sullivan.
Right ahead.
All right, you guys.
You are the guys who gave it to my brother right in the back.
Dirty bombs like you should not go on living.
Ed Sullivan.
Tonight,
we have for you a really big show.
Very good indeed.
Next,
we have the name by which I am called,
Claude Vuttre.
I work also for the Renault company,
but I do not own a farm.
I would like to do my impression of Marlon Brando and Ed Sullivan.
Stella, I could have been something, Stella.
I could have been a contender.
You brought me up too fast.
I could have been somebody and not a bomb,
which is what I am.
And Ed Sullivan.
That was really wonderful.
Let's give the ballet dancers a really big hand.
And finally,
our last French impressionist, who is...
Pierre Mamont.
I make my home in Calais,
and I work for the Goldwass Company factory.
My hobbies are riding my bicycle and French cooking.
I want to do Peter Lorre and Groucho Marx.
No Ed Sullivan.
Did you get the information?
Did you get the information?
You didn't get the information?
You were supposed to get the information.
Groucho Marx.
Just say the secret word and divide the 100 francs between you.
Well, that is the silliest thing I ever heard.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
That's all we have time for, I'm afraid.
Make sure to tune in again when we
have with us the post-impressionists.
Goodbye for now.
Is this the National Lampoon Radio Show?
Yes, it is.
Oh, terrific.
I love your show.
Thank you.
It was really great last week.
You get really good talent.
I really liked the finale.
When you all came out and sang,
Oh, so sprec d'articature.
We didn't do that.
I didn't know it had all those words.
We never heard the words before.
I never heard the words before.
It really surprised me.
I never expected that ending either.
When anyone starts singing about railroad tracks,
I expect someone to get hit by a railroad train.
She got hit by a school bus at the railroad crossing.
Oh boy, I never expected that.
That's a good song, you know.
You should do more songs like that.
You should do the love scene from the Poseidon Adventure.
You should do that one.
I have to go.
Order?
Order, can I have your order, please?
Yes, I'd like a salad and a cup of coffee.
I'm in a hurry.
I would appreciate it if you didn't order the salad.
You mean you're out of salad?
No, I mean we have salad.
It's just that...
Well,
look,
if you're not out of salad,
would you bring me a salad and a cup of coffee and make it snappy?
Well,
you see,
there's a group of people outside demonstrating...
I don't care about the people demonstrating outside.
I want a cup of coffee and a salad.
And I'm in a hurry.
All right, all right, all right.
I don't believe it.
I can't even get salad.
Here you are, sir.
Coffee and salad.
Well, at least it was quick.
Thanks a lot.
Waiter,
waiter,
there's a man at the window here.
Waiter,
can we put up a screen or pull the curtain or something?
Waiter, waiter, I don't believe this.
Waiter, waiter,
this is unreal.
What is this?
Waiter?
I see it.
I don't believe this.
Waiter?
Waiter?
Check, please.
Check, please, waiter.
Waiter?
Hello?
Everybody sing.
Come on.
Waiter?
Waiter, waiter.
Maybe if I stand up.
Check, please.
Check.
Station number one, right here.
You've never heard of the Chinese fortune hat?
Well, of course, you are familiar with
the Chinese fortune cookie.
Your basic run-of-the-mill Chinese
fortune cookie always contains some
jive prophecy,
like you are about to take a long voyage over water,
et cetera,
et cetera,
which you don't take seriously because,
needless to say,
it seldom,
if ever,
if ever happens.
Now your Chinese fortune hat is a different matter,
a whole different ballgame, so to
speak.
Few people realize that if you break open a Chinaman's hat,
any Chinaman's hat,
actually split it apart,
that inside is a tiny piece of paper,
and on that tiny piece
of paper is written your true fortune,
the real thing, such as on August 23rd, shortly
after 3 p.m.
while crossing the street to purchase
a bag of green onion potato chips,
you'll be struck and killed by a
speeding Renault with heavy oil emission,
an afraid
fan belt,
or another sample might be within the week,
your wife will run off with an x-ray
technician named Neil,
or your nephew will send you a postcard from...
And in other news,
a team of knee specialists have
finally put Joe Namath out to pasture.
National Football League president Pete Rozelle
announced today that the injury-plagued superstar's
absence will be a tremendous loss to the game.
A lost Jets owner, Phil Eisland, hopes to
partially recoup through the estimated $2
million he expects Broadway Joe to earn in
stud fees this year alone.
You know,
Ed Sullivan,
we kid him a lot,
but Ed Sullivan is one of the greats of this business,
and in the cab on the way over to the studio tonight,
I had a funny thought.
What if Ed
Sullivan were tortured?
And when I say tortured,
what I mean is,
what if steel needles,
say
six inches long, were plunged into Ed's eyes?
I think it would go something like this.
You are listening to the National Lampoon Radio Hour.
Why did the masked violinist suddenly
leave the room when Dick said the word,
Hacienda,
who is the dragonfly?
Did Jessica have the keys in her purse?
And where was Professor Eisenglass during the explosion?
Stay tuned.
You won't want to miss a single clue.
What kind of book burns best?
We took our microphones to a typical ritual book burning in Drake,
North Dakota,
to find
out.
Excuse me, Mr.
Spencer, Ed Spencer.
Well, Mr.
Spencer,
I notice that you're just putting the
torch to a copy of the National Lampoon's
new book, This Side of Parodies.
What makes this particular book worth burning?
Well, I'll tell you.
Price, first of all.
You go burning some $75 Andrew Wyatt art book,
a fortune up in smoke, right?
Right.
But This Side of Parodies only sent me back a buck and a half.
Cheaper than fuel all these
days.
Of course, but Mr. Spencer, surely the content
of the book is what you're burning.
Content?
Definitely.
This book burns clean.
Not like Ivanhoe.
Your average Ivanhoe smokes and smolders something awful.
Yeah,
but Mr. Spencer,
I mean the subject matter of the book.
Isn't that why you burn
it?
Right, sure.
I like to burn your spicy authors,
basically.
You're Jek and Suzanne,
Oscar Wilde,
Kate Millett,
James Joyce,
Jimmy Spillane,
and there are parodies of all these guys in here.
So you would recommend the National Lampoon's
This Side of Parodies to other book burners?
Absolutely.
Thank you, Mr. Spencer.
Well, you heard it here first.
National Lampoon's This Side of Parody,
on sale now.
Wherever paperbacks are burned, are sold.
And now this word from the American Safety Institute.
Just a
reminder for our radio listeners that The End of
the World is going to come next Tuesday at 4.30pm,
and the Department of Health has requested
homeowners to unplug all electrical appliances,
turn off radios and TV sets,
and disconnect gas stoves and furnaces.
The Post Office recommends
that you mail early in the day,
and for those with automobiles,
alternate side of the street
parking will be suspended.
That's The End of the World,
next Tuesday at 4.30pm.
Mark it down.
Oh,
hello there.
I'm Newton Mames,
talking to you on behalf of the Monolithic Oil Corporation
about today's energy situation.
You know,
if we all just sacrifice a little,
we can
pull together to beat the current problems of not enough energy.
And Monolithic is doing
its part by killing most of the birds that
nest around our beautiful oil refineries.
Birds eat up a lot of food,
and as everyone knows,
food takes energy to grow and prepare.
So the fewer birds there are,
the less energy will be wasted.
Now, how can you help?
Well,
if there are any old folks around the house,
just set them outside at night.
This looks
like a long,
hard winter,
and the fewer people there are,
the less energy demand there'll
be.
Leaving the old folks outside is nothing new.
The Eskimos do it all the time, and they
know a thing or two about surviving
in cold weather without much heat.
You betcha.
When
you drive,
don't take your foot off the gas for stop signs,
red lights,
little children,
or anything.
A smooth,
steady driving technique is the most economical.
The cost in human
lives,
suffering,
and property damage will be more than
offset by the savings in gasoline.
Well,
I hope these tips have helped you become
more aware that the blame for today's energy
situation is on your shoulders,
and your conscience,
and not ours.
Big Oil Corporation,
we want you to pay.
There's the alarm.
Excuse me, madam.
You're not supposed to squeeze the...
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
I... The long hair fooled me.
What,
do you get your kicks out of talking to ladies about toilet paper?
Excuse me, madam, the...
Hey,
Ted,
Ted,
you want to step over here a second?
I got some fruit bar here that gets his kicks
out of talking to ladies about toilet paper.
You want to hold his arms behind his back there?
I didn't mean anything.
I just...
Okay,
listen,
after we're done with you,
fella,
we're gonna squeeze your mop and glow.
We're gonna squeeze your frankenberry,
your yard guard.
We're gonna squeeze your roasting bar,
that's right,
your special cake.
And then we're gonna squeeze your...
The Johnson's pride,
they just squeeze everything,
crush it,
mangle it.
Can you imagine in your mind the absences
in which they came up with that campaign?
I mean,
how desperate they would have had to have been to come up with a
campaign about people wanting to squeeze their bread or whatever it is.
Is there something vaguely scatological about the word squeeze?
I mean, couldn't we write them and...
Well,
there's something vaguely scatological about the word charm,
as far as I'm concerned.
That's how you can name your mother,
it makes up.
My favorite thing about that...
Did you sharmen?
It isn't sharmen at all, it's charmen.
It obviously was invented,
the name of the product was charmen,
like charming with an apostrophe at the end.
And they just got the apostrophe.
But they just pronounce it wrong, right?
It's not charmen at all.
They just have it wrong.
That's a funny idea for the radio thing,
because you can see that it can't...
it wouldn't work in print, that is a funny idea.
It'll barely work in radio.
Would you please tell the Lord that
the boxing match is about to begin?
Yes, sir.
I have these golden binoculars in case he
cannot see well enough from heaven here.
Don't be absurd,
the Lord's presence is everywhere.
Oh, here he comes.
Lord! Lord!
Hello, hello.
Well, let's get on with it.
Where's the boxing match?
It's down there, Lord.
Oh.
Oh.
Hmm.
It's very difficult to see the two fighters.
John has golden binoculars if you wish them.
Hmm.
No, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'm going to relax right here.
You,
John,
look through the binoculars and tell me which
fighter crosses himself and which one doesn't.
Oh, yes, Lord.
Let me just focus here.
Oh, they're in their corners.
Let's see.
Oh,
yes,
Manny Lopez,
the one in the purple trunks,
just crossed himself.
And the other fighter didn't?
No, Lord, not yet.
Oh, then it's easy.
I'll just let Lopez win by a knockout.
Oops, Kid Fletcher just crossed himself, too.
Oh. Well, let them spar a little.
Yes, Lord.
Oh, there's the bell.
Oh, they're really going at it.
You better make a decision, Lord.
Well,
both of them crossed themselves,
so it's not that important.
Oops,
Lopez just crossed himself a second time against the ropes.
He did?
Mm-hmm.
Well, that's it.
He's the real religious one.
Give it to Lopez.
Boy, is he getting it from Kid Fletcher.
Fletcher's some fighter.
Wow, Lopez is down.
He's on one knee.
He's crossing himself over and over again on one knee.
He's counted out.
Fletcher's the winner, Lord.
I guess God works in mysterious ways.
Did you want Fletcher to win?
Of course.
You see,
Fletcher prayed to me last night for over an hour.
Oh, I see.
Wait a minute.
You are listening to the National Lampoon Radio Hour.
This is Gracie Whitebread speaking.
This is Chuck Stamon along with Gene Pistil,
your roving reporters.
And of course,
we're at the site of an accident on the New Jersey Turnpike.
It seems to be a rather large one this time.
And my golly, there goes another one.
Gene,
I must say,
it's quite a sight from where I'm standing.
How about you up there on the bridge?
All right.
Well,
Chuck,
it seems I count,
my last count was about 87 vehicles.
87 or so vehicles, yeah, and quite a few trucks.
And oh, look at that.
Look at that, another truck.
And 88.
And that's a big one, too.
He's going over, Jackknife, and he's going over.
That's a beautiful jackknife.
And it sure is slippery around here, Gene.
It's slippery,
it's foggy,
it's one of the worst conditions I've ever seen.
Let's try to get down to some of these
people here before another truck comes along.
Why don't you go down to the scene?
Okay,
Gene,
I'm working my way now through a tangled mass of steel
and girders and getting to the cab of this truck.
Hello, driver.
Hi, how are you?
Chuck Stamon here.
Get me out of here.
All right, just relax.
How does it feel?
It hurts.
Your leg seems to be caught in there,
in the glove compartment.
Can I give you...
Is that your partner in the glove compartment?
I'm dead.
Oh, my God, you look pretty sick.
We were going to try to get you out,
but we'd like to interview some of the other people here.
So you just relax, and we'll move right along.
Gene, back to you.
Where are you now?
I'm here next to a Corvair.
I'm talking to the gentleman who was in the accident,
who managed to survive.
How do you do, sir?
You seem to have lost an arm, I see.
And your car is pretty well banged up, isn't it?
Well, sir, would you like a priest or something?
A cigarette?
Oh, okay.
Oh, he's gone.
He's gone.
That makes about 107 people dead at this accident,
Chuck.
Gene?
Gene?
Yeah, Chuck.
I'm down here by a small Volkswagen that
seems to have escaped the wreckage here,
but the lady who was driving the
Volkswagen got out to look at the wreckage
and was hit by four trucks broadside.
She looks okay.
She's lost her purse and part of her clothing.
Oh, there she goes.
There she goes, Chuck.
Yeah,
she's moving around a lot,
sort of like a chicken with its head cut off.
Oh, boy.
I guess it's kind of painful, huh?
Yeah, it looks painful.
Well,
of course,
it's funny to me when people suffer and I'm not suffering.
You know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
It's kind of a humorous thing.
You know what you mean.
See, I feel fine.
You feel okay?
I feel terrific.
I'm not hurt.
I'm not dying or anything.
People all around us dying, tortured.
Look at that kid over there.
It looks like his leg was just about blown off.
I've never seen anything like that.
I'm going to come over here to this little girl
who seems to have been burned over 80% of her body.
Little girl, how are you feeling?
Uh-huh.
She looks funny, I'll tell you that, Gene.
You know,
you ever seen a kid with all her hair burned off her head?
You can't tell whether it's a bowling ball,
a negro or what.
Hey, listen, Gene.
Yeah.
I got a problem with my car and I'm trying to get it started now.
So,
Chuck Stamon and Gene Pistol for the Stamon and Pistol Report.
And we'll see you a little later.
I guess I'm returning you now to your local stations.
And
in other news,
Jets owner Phillip Island announced today at a
National Sportswriters Association luncheon that word
has come from the Jets' stud farm in Pensacola,
Florida,
that Broadway Joe Namath has been discovered to be impotent.
The surprise announcement came as rumors circulated that
the crippled 30-year-old 210-pound quarterback had been
destroyed by his trainer Wayne McDonald early this morning.
Now,
this committee is interested to know as to why the National Tampoon,
National Lampoon,
has waited so long before releasing this new album,
The Missing White House Tapes.
Well,
Mr. Chairman,
we felt that a full disclosure would be
inoperative until all the facts were in.
But do you accept the irresponsibility for making the public
these carefully doctored tapes of political greed and stupidity,
arrogance and stupidity?
Hi,
I'm Michael O'Donoghue,
here to thank the contributors to tonight's National Lampoon
Radio Hour,
who are,
in alphabetical order,
Bob Tischler,
Henry Beard,
Ann Beets,
John
Belushi,
Polly Beer,
David Bloom,
Chevy Chase,
George Coe,
Windy Craig,
Sidney Davis,
Bob
Dryden,
Andrew Duncan,
Paul Ginsberg,
Gary Goodreau,
Ellen Gross,
Christopher Guest,
Nate Herman,
Janice Hearst,
Judy Jacklin,
Sean Kelly,
Doug Kenney,
Timothy Mayer,
Bruce
McCall, Brian McConnachie, Bob Michelson, P.J.
O'Rourke, Norman Rose, Guy Sorrell, Stan
Sawyer,
Ed Sabitsky,
Vernon Taft,
Jerry Taylor,
George W.S.
Trow,
Carl Weber,
Gracie Whitebread,
and Robert Wong as the Chinese fortune head.
Of course,
the situations portrayed in this show are fictitious,
as are the characterizations.
Well, that wraps up another show.
I hope you've enjoyed yourselves as much as we've enjoyed
having you with us.
Good night,
God bless,
and make that one for the road,
coffee.
Oh,
God.
Excuse, please, Mr. Mike.
You got time to talk?
I always have time for you, Luigi.
How's Marie and the kids?
She's fine, Mr. Mike.
But the little one not so good.
We never forget what you do for us.
But now the doctor say-
He needs another operation?
Yes, yes.
And if I could borrow a few hundred, it would-
Hey, say no more, now.
Just hold on there.
There you go.
But Mr. Mike, this is for a thousand-
If it can make a little boy walk again,
it's worth every penny.
Don't you worry about paying me back, either.
Well, I have a benefit to do so.
Good night, Luigi.
Good night, Pops.
Good night, Mr. O'Donoghue.
There goes the greatest guy in show business.
Ah, he's a saint.
Luigi,
did you know that during the Korean War,
when he was entertaining troops up at
the front,
five minutes before he was to go on,
they handed him a telegram that his wife was dead,
killed in a car wreck.
But he went on anyway.
He said, I owe it to the boys.
I heard about that.
Well, here's something nobody knows.
Mike has terminal cancer.
Oh, mama mia.
That's right.
I was sweeping up his dressing room the other day,
and I found his medical report behind a trunk.
I'd just like him not to tell anybody.
Yeah, they only give him a few months to live.
He's living on borrowed time right now.
Bless a man to be in the hospital, but not him.
It's a no wonder they call him a Mr. Show Business.
Honk, honk, why it's wobbles, the goose.
You've been listening to the National
Lampoon Radio Hour's listener request show.