Anybody in here ever get married and then get a dog
and then realize you could have just got a dog?
Is that anything anybody's?
Okay, yeah.
All right.
Divorced?
Oh, wonderful.
You traded in a husband for a dog.
I'm proud of you.
Did you leave him at the shelter and bring home a...
Good for you.
I'm glad I'm married, actually.
I really don't have time for a relationship right now,
so it works out perfect.
We're both very busy.
I have a beautiful wife I'm madly in love with.
She's great.
Wife and a dog.
Gorgeous dog.
Love my pit bull so much.
Found my dog on petfinder.com
and I found my wife on match.com
and the selection process was very similar.
I'll be honest.
I got them both during that free 30...
30-day trial period.
They're both looking for their forever homes.
As a married guy,
I get unwanted advice from miserable divorced men.
A lot.
Divorced guys love telling me how to be married
and I'm like,
thanks, I guess,
but you failed, remember?
I don't know.
I'm not going to bring a homeless man
to a real estate closing.
Like, what the * do I want with your stupid advice?
He's like, just say yes, dear,
and everything will be fine.
I'm like, all right, Ralph.
Nice flask.
Enjoy therapy.
You seem to be crushing it.
Are you guys a couple?
Yeah?
Married or dating?
Ah, cool.
How long?
Two years?
Two dogs.
Dog a year, brother.
That's great.
Fantastic.
How'd you meet?
High school.
High school.
Go your separate ways and then came back?
Good for you, dude.
That's awesome.
It's romantic.
So you're not friends on Facebook or anything, right?
Good.
Yeah, * that *.
My wife friend requested me
and I like blocked her and reported her
and I was like, I think she's ISIS.
I don't need another way to communicate.
It's fine.
You ever see those people
who like check themselves in with themselves
when they're at a thing
and then they share a little inside joke about something
and they like it
and I hope a tree falls on them.
Oh, I hate those people.
It's crazy.
Living together?
Yeah?
First time living with a woman?
Crazy, right?
A lot to get used to.
No, shut up, dude.
Please.
Hair everywhere, right?
Am I right?
Women's hair is evil.
I think at least twice a week
I find one of my wife's hairs wrapped around my dick.
It's insane.
She's got a healthy mane, too.
I can imagine.
It's * everywhere.
Not like bacon wrapped around a scallop.
Nothing fancy.
This is like tight and hurdy and painful.
It's like a brand new yo-yo every morning.
I'm like, what the * is this?
Playing it like an upright bass.
You ever get in the shower
and find like a hair tarantula
jammed against the shower wall?
You ever get that?
I'm like, what?
What is this?
She's sick?
Did I marry an old brush?
What the * is going on?
You get that?
That happens?
Oh, look at that thick curly hair, too.
Jesus.
Can I guess why?
Can I just guess why you do it?
Can I take a crack?
Is it because you don't want to clog the drain?
No, that means I'm right.
That means I'm right.
That's so stupid.
My wife says that all the time.
They make tissues in trash cans.
Like, throw it out.
I flush when I poop.
I thought this was a partnership.
Maybe I'll just leave a giant heater
sitting in the bowl next time.
Like, I didn't want to clog the drain, babe.
Just pee on it.
It'll break up.
It'll break up.
She's gorgeous.
Redhead.
Pretty redhead.
Do we have any other redheads in the room?
We're going to need no gays, no redheads
in Burlington.
Weird.
Isn't that a...
Huh?
It's 9.30 show.
Oh, that's when the redheads
and the homosexual people come out?
Thank you, TripAdvisor.
I appreciate that.
You're great.
Redheads, man.
They're weird.
I'm glad I got a pretty one
because there's no in-between with them, huh?
Redheads are either smoking hot
or a rotten pumpkin.
There's just no...
No in-between.
Little Mermaid and Chucky doll.
That's all we're getting from that group.
That's it.
I got an Ariel.
I lucked out.
Thank you.